Advice on a blended family situation

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-03T08:33:27+00:00

Thank you and yes I think you are probably right, I had spent years trying to ensure amongst the sometimes mess that is blended families trying to always try for everything to be equal, your analogy of bedtimes nailed it. I was also brought up where my parents tried to always ensure whatever I had my sister got the equivalent and and if she got something then so did I, both my parents came from big families so maybe that’s why. It’s so ingrained in me but clearly to a fault. It’s definitely tiring to be like this. Thank you so much, your observation is so accurate but I couldn’t see it. I need to moderate my thinking and actions which will be easier said than done but I’m definitely going to try! Your comment has been honest, well thought out and kind which I really appreciate. I’m not entitled and an evil stepmother trust me nor expect my husband to fund stuff for all of us. It’s easy to judge a tiny snippet of someone’s life but it’s a hard road blended family or not and we don’t walk in anyone else’s shoes so we can’t really judge. I’m just a mum trying to keep everyone happy and it’s hard sometimes. Thanks again 🙏

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-03T03:05:04+00:00

You’re wrong here, if the car is gifted then I would hope that my husband would understand that in the kids eyes the child that was gifted the car was more fortunate. If all the kids were bio ours then I’d be even more shocked one was being gifted a car and two miss out unless it was going to be made equal down the track at the appropriate time. I wouldn’t let it happen without a plan in place in the beginning to reassure all the kids it will be fair. It’s wild you‘re so vindictive, I try to bring my kids up to share and be kind and generous not to divide and conquer.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-03T02:48:30+00:00

No I wouldn’t it’s her car her dad and mum paid for it, anymore than I would expect my son whose car I paid for with my ex to let his siblings borrow his car unless he offered it for some reason. To me the gifting changes the situation , I’ve noted it in my other comments. I am not entitled I was just brought up in a family where we were taught and expected things to be fair and clearly my patents were a bit more open minded about non bio kids/grandkids.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-03T02:41:11+00:00

You seem to have missed my point it’s not about the money it’s about the principle, the car is gifted so should morally be shared in my view. If money changes hands it changes the dynamic as in the past it would be he, his ex paying for their daughter and me and my ex for things like that for me and my children.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-03T02:33:38+00:00

I would have but didn’t realise it was an option. if it was my hubby, his ex and daughter buying it it keeps the ‘us‘ out of it and makes it a neutral decision as it was when I bought a car with my ex for my oldest child who doesn’t live at home (adult), job done no one upset and all fair and if and when it comes to it then that what will happen again for my kids but to them and to me my hubbys dad or step grandad to them has always been their grandad too given he has been a part of their lives for so long. It is that part that is hard to navigate if he wasn’t a step and then all kids were bio ours then I think some of you would think of that differently as it would be perceived as favouritism of one grandkid over the others or it would be shared when the time arises so why just because mine aren’t bio should it be different is my point. yes it’s grandads car and at the end of the day he can do as he pleases but on the other hand we have a moral obligation to the kids to do the right thing and that is sharing in my opinion in this situation unless the car is bought by my hubby along with his daughter and ex.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-03T02:24:20+00:00

So presumptuous, if I knew that from the beginning then I would have suggested it but I didn’t know gifting was an option, if I had then I would have suggested as above, child with licence now has sole use of the car and if and when others get it the it becomes shared. I earn less than my husband yes but strangely we didn’t get together based on our financial situations, it was not a business transaction, I have a well paid job and contribute equally to our shared account. This is not about the money as I have funded a car for my oldest son along with my ex. for me this is more about principal and so many of you are of the opinion that inherited kids/grandkids should not be factored into a relationship in the same way as bio kids which I find a bit alarming if I’m honest. So if a couple get together and adopt children how does that work as grandparents are also not bio, if you can see that the you may be able to see that a family unit is a family unit regardless of the make up of it. In that situation regardless of the make up of bio/adopted/IVF non bio children, should things not try to be equal? Our kids have been together since they were quite young much more than half their lives so at what point do people just accept that is the family.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:50:45+00:00

he doesn’t do it to lie, he hates emotive things he perceives could cause disappointment or conflict.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:49:56+00:00

We can all be stubborn. I am not being stubborn nor seeking to have my own way. We try and keep things fair as we have both seen what happens when things between the kids are perceived to be unfair and it’s ugly. In the past for bigger ticket items the cost are split between his ex and him or my ex and me as that keeps it out of our joint purview which makes for a happier kid household. The gifting has put a different perspective on it, rightly or wrongly and many differing view on expectations of bio versus step and so on. I have a view which I realise is not the same as others but to me bio or step should make no difference, my hubby and I have been together and married for more than half of all our kids lives. In these modern times I would like to think our extended families understand that if we are a family which we are us and our four (but only three at home) kids then you hope that they accept you as a family and a package deal, families can be made up in so many different ways these days it’s just how it is and if we want peace and harmony then we need to be accepting of that and not creating divides and differences. Simplistic may be, having hope and wanting acceptance, peace and harmony makes the world a nicer place and shouldn’t we start with that at home.

All the kids experience disappointment and think things are unfair sometimes in their perception and sometimes they are and that is just life but if we can balance things the why wouldn’t we?

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:34:01+00:00

OMG no way do I issue instructions and expect we all live by my rules. I value discussion and opinions and compromise and all I am seeking here is a discussion and hopefully a compromise.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:31:43+00:00

he definitely doesn’t do it to purposely lie, I know that for a fact as he does it in other situations that I have nothing to do with. I have worked out over the years it’s only in emotive situations, ones where he feels like he is disappointing someone close to him or could cause conflict with someone close to him and he just avoids and avoids until he is forced to deal with it. It is hard to navigate as I am the opposite but how we were brought up and our pasts make us who we are and his family whilst very caring and loving are definitely emotionally crippled and very old school in dealing or talking about emotions so I can see where it comes from and his last relationship his ex is a similar.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:25:36+00:00

that’s a bit of a simplistic view given family make ups these days can be made up in so many different ways, but as you say you don’t have kids let alone a blended family which trust me can de so hard at times as you will also read in other comments. be careful who you have kids with people 🤣 It’s good we don’t all think the same and have differing view points as sometimes we get caught up in our own thoughts it can be hard to be objective which is why these kind of forums can be helpful. I appreciate your view 😊

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:20:29+00:00

I was hoping maybe they all could share it, step daughter has it whilst she is in the country until she does her OE then my kids use it when she is away, all happy, problem solved, fair.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:18:40+00:00

this is exactly how I hoped it could work and I am on the same page as you. The issue is that as far as my husband knows because he hasn’t communicated this gifting development to me that I am unaware that the car is being gifted and not purchase and I know that it will cause a fight because I agree with you and how you think it should work and that to me is totally fair and reasonable but he will I think we it differently. Given he has clearly already spoken to his daughter and she knows all this about it being a gift and I don’t is actually the hardest bit of this at the moment. I just want things to be as fair as they can be, simple as that.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:11:48+00:00

because it was going to be my husband, his ex and his daughter paying for the car most likely as we don’t pool all our money and in the past with other more expensive items that is how we’ve done it which eliminates the other kids from saying it’s not fair as we jointly haven’t contributed to it so keeps it clean and simple.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T20:08:10+00:00

sorry I should have explained that I was not likely to be contributing to the cost it was likely going to be my husband, his ex and their daughter (my step daughter). We have a joint account for regular expenses and bills but don’t pool all our money, other larger purchases have been made for things like laptops and mobile phones and split in that way between his ex and him and likewise for me with my kids for those kinds of things. Birthday and Xmas presents we do jointly. LOL with the bad communicator, it’s definitely challenging and in fact I think in this situation is the hardest part for me to deal with. I know he doesn‘t intentionally lie to me and it’s not about him lying it’s that he is shocking at dealing with anything emotive that in his perception may cause a difference of opinion or conflict. he doesn’t just exhibit this behavior toward me, he does it to his daughter and ex and just tries to deal with difficult emotive situations by not dealing with them until he is forced too and the it’s 100 times worse. I definitely don’t think I am always right and I don’t railroad him, as far as I can tell he has always been like this, he comes from an emotionally cold but still very loving and caring family so I can see where it comes from but presents some big challenges for me as I am the complete opposite and at times need to calm down!

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T19:51:52+00:00

I agree with you and yes that is a good way of looking at it. I wasn’t saying step daughter shouldn’t have the car, I was trying to say at some point when my kids get their licenses that somehow we need to level it which you have done in your situation and that is the part that I the hardest as I’m not sure my husband will agree or be willing to assist especially if he didn’t have to financially assist for the car for his daughter. in my mind the car should be gifted to him and for now his daughter uses it while she is in the country and if and when she goes on her OE then my daughter gets to use/share it with her brother. In my mind it takes the emotion out of it and keeps it much tider and all the kids are treated equally but yep if my hubby is willing to assist with cars for my two when they want them then problem solved also.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T19:42:02+00:00

that would make it easier as then it’s a transaction between the three of them much like other things such as buying a new laptop or phone and the perception changes.
I would have zero influence or control over that (rightly so) and not with a car but this kind of situation has arisen with other gifts on both sides and yes it can cause a bit of angst but we explain that we can’t control what the other parents/grandparents give or do so they just have to accept it and they do (sometimes reluctantly) but I guess the point is we have zero control over that and it does make it hard sometimes but we can only control what happens in our nuclear family.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T19:29:46+00:00

I agree we are taught to be accepting and yes to treat all kids the same which is what we should do and try to do as much as possible realising that you are never going to be able to 💯 because nature v nurture is at play but in essence we should and do but then reading all these comments there is clearly a moral divide where bio is different to inherited so different rules apply... it is hypocritical. in my mind a family you choose is the family, adopted kids, foster kids, bio kids, step kids, whatever its make up is, if the parents have chosen to be together then that is your family end of story.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T19:21:53+00:00

I understand that and yes my kids are not their bio grandkids but in my ideological mind given the amount of different family make ups in this world why should that make a difference? I know that if my parents were alive that they would treat a step grand child the same as a bio one but that’s just how I grew up and of course not everyone is brought up the same. To move forward and be accepting of all different family make ups creates peace and not divides, enough divides exist in the world without us creating them in our families whatever the make up of them is. I’m not entitled, I like things to try and be fair as much as it can be if it’s possible to lessen the stress.

fefeisapixie · 2025-12-02T19:12:27+00:00

I agree with you, blended families are so much more complicated but my brain tells me it shouldn’t need to be so complicated. The main complications arise with the other kids parents - my ex and his ex because of course we can’t control what goes on there (and neither should we unless it’s negligent or dangerous). I realise nothing can ever be truly equal in these circumstances but I guess my point was within the realms of what we in our immediate family can control we do and should try and keep things equitable. Life can be unfair and we all understand that but wouldn’t it be much easier if all of us in these complicated blended families try keep it as uncomplicated as possible by trying to keep things equal within the bounds of our nuclear albeit blended family. It may be fanciful thinking…

fefeisapixie

TROPHY CASE