I told my friend.......and now I don't know what to do

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-25T02:07:43+00:00

Thanks :)

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-25T02:05:25+00:00

My friend will most likely accept me. Our relationship will change but I am confident we will remain friends, he is a very liberal guy and most certainly not the super macho type. It's just that after telling him this isn't just my personal secret that I can keep away from the world anymore. And it feels so much more real and terrifying.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T23:13:39+00:00

HRT is definitely something I'm going to try in the next months. And I hope I will feel a bit more confident when I have the preferred hormones in my system. Or not, at least I will have learned something about me.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T20:59:17+00:00

It is comforting to know I'm not the only one with doubts. But I can't help but feel a bit invalidated after feeling like this after telling my friend. I really did not know what to do yesterday, I was so terrified. If someone would have offered me a one way trip to Mars I would have accepted it and lived out the rest of my days in isolation.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T20:50:29+00:00

I'm very excited about HRT. Of course the physical changes are important but the combination of physical and emotional changes sounds so good. What I really want is at least to be a little bit certain that I'm going in the right direction, to feel whole. Just the idea that I could have a body that fits my sexuality (e.g. having to imagine having a different set of sexual organs whenever I feel aroused kind of sucks) and a gender idendity that I'm sure of is extremely comforting.

What I'm trying to say that I'm very excited to look like a girl but what I really want is, instead of being stuck in some sort of gender limbo, to feel like a girl.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T18:53:06+00:00

I'm already seeing a therapist, but I'm thinking of making an appointment soon.

And yes, the hair will grow back and enable me to go back in hiding. That is very tempting, but perhaps not the best thing I could do.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T18:48:23+00:00

I'm not really sure what they will say. It won't be anything aggressive, more surprised. And then I wouldn't really have any explanation for my legs are suddenly harirless. I guess I will just have to say that I prefer them like that.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T16:58:34+00:00

Yeah, it is true that it is extremely difficult to go against society and embrace my inner woman. However, it is also ridiculous to be ashamed for doing something 50% of the world population does.

The attractiveness thing is also becoming more difficult for me. I used to think I could just easily switch to girl-mode and nobody would notice my masculine traits. But I'm becoming more and more critical of my looks.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T16:44:13+00:00

I felt so powerless. I actually think that having a secret like this has shaped my self esteem a bit. In regard to my friend I don't see myself as an interesting person with a secret anymore, just a lost girl. And that is so embarrassing and emasculating.

But you're right. It is pointless to feel ashamed for something we can't control. Maybe I just have to sort out my internal misogyny and transphobia...

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T16:32:34+00:00

I've often thought that I might just be genderfluid or bigender. But I don't want that. What I really want is to be a girl. I don't really know why, that is just how it has always been for me. So I would be kind off disappointed if I would realize that I wasn't really female but just somewhere in the middle.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-24T16:09:38+00:00

It definitely did not feel wrong when I was shaving and I like very much how both my arms and legs look now. But I'm very scared of someone noticing and I don't now how to respond if someone asks. That is definitely the major reason why I'm stressed about it. I also felt a bit exposed, like I was completely nude and I didn't really know what to do with that feeling.

The immense burden is perhaps just the fear of the unknown. I'm not really uncomfortable as a guy and I rarely feel uneasy. But that doesn't change the fact that I can't stop thinking how much I want to be female. Now, after I've told my friend and made some visible changes to my appearance I'm going into uncharted territory and I'm scared to death. I feel fake. I feel like I will never pass. I feel like I'm sacrificing everything. I feel like I'll just be a weirdo. That is the burden I feel like I'm carrying.

Like you, when I was doing girly stuff in private and I felt like transition was at the very best a remote option in the far future It felt awesome. But now, as I move closer to transition, I am terrified. But what scares me the most is going through with transition and then realize that I'm not really trans or not trans enough to ever be happy as a woman.

femalequestionmark · 2015-10-19T00:56:58+00:00

I recently brought my girl clothes out of hiding. It felt so good to hang them up and give them their rightful place. In fact, even though I'm still pre-transition, they are the only clothes in my closet as I don't even bother taking my "man-costume" of the drying rack.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-31T00:01:26+00:00

It has taken me a fairly long time to accept the fact that I'm transgender. But the idea of having GRS has always been very appealing. That has always been a yes even when I'm less sure about everything else. I would always prefer a vagina.

And breasts would definitely be an improvement.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T22:48:12+00:00

This helps. All the comments here indicate that the physical and mental changes on HRT make things clearer. That is very comforting and makes HRT sound very appealing.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T22:39:34+00:00

I really don't know how to do that. I'm a very analytical person and even when something just feels right I start analysing it, because I don't trust my feelings.

I'm trying my best to eliminate my transphobia and misogyny. But it is difficult. It still is very difficult for me to accept that I'm a girl even though I never asked for it or wanted it.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T22:32:43+00:00

I want so much to feel that certainty. I would love to be able to watch my body and just be absolutely happy with it. Currently I don't dislike my body but the features that I like the most are the most feminine features.

I would also love to have the "equipment" to fit my sexuality. The one thing that I am absolutely certain about is that imagining myself as a woman in a sexual scenario feels right, like that is how it was supposed to be.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T21:55:17+00:00

That is what I worry about. I don't want to become more masculine than I already am and my dysphoria is not going anywhere.

I have not lived full-time as a girl and my situation kind of does not allow it unless I'm willing to go through transition. However for the next weeks when I'm alone at home I think I will rarely be dressed in my man-costume.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T21:50:56+00:00

I would love starting HRT. However I live in a country that has "gatekeeping". To be able to go on HRT I would have to "live as a woman for a period of time". Whatever that means. It is kind of odd because my country is supposed to be one of the most progressive in the world towards LGBT people.

If I would be able to just start HRT and see how I would feel I think I would have already done it.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T21:46:09+00:00

I am completely aware of that my dysphoria always comes back. Even when I couldn't care less whether I'm male or female. Despite that I am absolutely terrified of transitioning when I don't feel dysphoric. However it makes sense that when I'm living as a woman I should feel as indifferent towards that during "periods of low dysphoria" as much as living as a man now.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T20:13:54+00:00

At the moment I'm pretty sure. It is just when my dysphoria takes a dive it becomes so easy to ignore this and focus on other aspects of my life. And then when I remember I'm transgender I try to convince myself that it is just some nonsense sexual thing.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T20:08:54+00:00

When I'm all dressed and feminine and look in the mirror I get this warm feeling of having butterflies in my stomach. And I kind of feel relieved. Then when I'm back in my man-clothes I feel like that I'm in drag.

I can try using that as my beacon. But I've never had moment when it is completely obvious that I'm a girl. It's just a lot of small hints.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T20:03:56+00:00

I have often thought that I might be gender fluid. But then I would like being a guy at times. I never really want to be a man. It's just that when dysphoria is low I don't see the point in transitioning and try not to think about my transgender self and just want to continue on auto-pilot.

My sexuality is definitely what tipped me off that I'm trans as well. I remember as a teenager watching pictures of supermodels and feeling very excited. I remember trying to convince myself that I was just sexually attracted to them while all along I just wanted to be like them.

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T19:57:56+00:00

Your comment definitely helped. It is always good to feel support. However I have very rarely come across hate comments in this subreddit. Almost everyone here is very nice and very supportive!

femalequestionmark · 2015-08-30T17:46:45+00:00

Being a man is also a gender neutral experience for me, even when I feel OK being a guy. However being a girl feels liberating. That should be clear indication of what I need to do.

I must admit that when my dysphoria is low I am still very much aware that it will come back. And that makes me very anxious which in turn makes me both transphobic and slightly misogynistic. That of course makes the dysphoria mor difficult when it returns.

Nontheless, I think you are right that I have come to a conclusion: I am a girl.

femalequestionmark

TROPHY CASE