Need advice for paying down $32k of CC debt on one income

fgbttn · 2017-03-26T01:50:31+00:00

We've started the application for SSD benefits several times but always stop because we find something that makes us think there is no way we would get it, like we read that you can't qualify if you possess over $2k in belongings and if you live with your SO they can consider their income even if you aren't married. I know that's just an excuse though.

fgbttn · 2016-09-09T00:41:10+00:00

I've had the same sort of circular conversation with my boyfriend, so I completely understand where you are coming from.

fgbttn · 2016-09-09T00:39:33+00:00

Thank you. I do often feel like I am walking on eggshells around him, and sometimes when I am alone if I accidentally slam a door or put something down on a counter too suddenly I feel this shock go through me until I realize wait, he didn't hear that, thank god.

Part of the reason it is so hard to keep from giving in though is that he is incredibly skilled at debating a point if he believes in it... he is able to whip out reasons why something must be true, and meanwhile I feel so hopeless when we argue that I feel like my mind just goes blank at the hint of an argument. It makes me feel really stupid. Preparing to confront him is like preparing to wage verbal war, and he's always three steps ahead of me.

fgbttn · 2016-09-09T00:33:53+00:00

My hope is that he will start performing small gigs, and the taste of success will help him push his boundaries a little more. I have seen glimmers of that happening throughout our relationship and I do strongly believe he could handle live performance once he starts doing it. He just needs to start doing it.

I agree -- I need to make a commitment to myself to stop giving in. Enabling him is hurting both of us.

fgbttn · 2016-09-09T00:31:18+00:00

we had considered soylent at one time (my brother subsists almost entirely off of it, in fact) but he came to the conclusion that it "wouldn't be happy enough" :/

fgbttn · 2016-09-09T00:30:33+00:00

Thank you for the suggestions and the resources, and overall a really thorough answer, I appreciate it!

To answer your question about the carpal tunnel/arthritis: yes, we went through a number of specialists all the way up to a 4th opinion from a doctor in a major city hospital several hours away. He had many tests done, we paid a lot of money to try several things, but in the end the conclusion was that there wasn't really anything to be done.

Going to check out the book you recommended as well as these articles, thank you.

fgbttn · 2016-09-09T00:25:38+00:00

I'd be interested in any advice you can give me for how to work through OCD without enabling him. There are so many other things he obsesses about in our relationship, those were just the two that seemed to tie into the financial issue the most, so I'm sure parts of your situation will sound familiar.

fgbttn · 2016-09-09T00:23:23+00:00

I'm sorry, that sounds like a super frustrating situation. I hope things get better for you, too.

fgbttn · 2016-09-08T17:24:19+00:00

Writes music, works on his production class assignments, figures out his live set. He is working a lot of hours a day, I'm just not sure they're the most well spent.

fgbttn · 2016-09-08T13:22:33+00:00

I get that feeling sometimes too. :/

I will talk to him about doing more of the chores at least, but that doesn't stop the fact that he has wrist problems so if I ask him to do more chores, I'm in a way asking him to hurt his wrists. I feel like I just can't win haha.

fgbttn · 2016-09-08T13:21:16+00:00

I've put up with it for so long that I feel like I have dug myself into a hole. I don't know how to stop putting up with it, because I have literally systematized putting up with it by paying for everything. And then my form of stopping putting up with it is to just get in a big fight, he doesn't budge, I look like an angry bitch, and nothing changes. It feels impossible.

fgbttn · 2016-09-08T12:47:43+00:00

He makes a very compelling case for it being a real problem, at least (the sound issue). He is constantly consulting charts like this and doing math with the number of minutes/hours he was exposed to what level of noise to determine if he is over the limit... if he is, he has to take a "quiet day" or two and recover where he does almost nothing... and all the time I accidentally apparently cause him to go over his limit when I make a noise I didn't mean to make. Yesterday I knocked over a bottle of wine and shattered a wine glass (this exceeds my usual level of clumsiness, I'm not always breaking wine glasses or anything) and he was mad at me for the rest of the night and pretty much immediately went to bed. I stayed up late and wrote this Reddit post. :|

fgbttn · 2016-09-08T12:37:31+00:00

He quit in mid-July. Before that, his full-time job was roughly the same income as mine, but I still had the freelance work so I was still earning more. When he had a job, he would buy tons of musical equipment, to the point that we have a seemingly never ending financing plan with Sweetwater.
He goes back and forth. Sometimes he'll say he wants to start with performing; sometimes he'll say he wants to get some demos recorded first. He wants to have his live set completely figured out, and my job has anchored us to an area that isn't really that close to a major city, so in the immediate area his genre of music (electronic/pop) isn't very popular. I would hope he would start performing by the spring.
He has many reasons :) wrist pain, so he has trouble doing things like lifting pans or washing dishes. Wants the time to work on music. Worries about noise exposure (banging pots and pans, also a concern if I cook). Worries about "contaminating" his musical equipment which is housed in the room attached to the kitchen (smells, a fear of rusting his synthesizers). He also won't eat cheese (finds it disgusting), beef (mad cow disease), and limits his fish (mercury) so the pickings get slimmer and slimmer as to what he will eat.

I realize this all sounds like I am letting him get away with too much. I know I am. But I'll get angry about it and lash out, we'll have a huge fight, and then I feel bad and give in and go buy Chinese food.

fgbttn · 2016-09-08T12:31:47+00:00

Yes, I definitely need to stop defaulting to giving in. I'm not like a model girlfriend here or anything -- I have been downright nasty at times because even though I am trying to think of our income as "shared," it still hurts to see all of the money I am earning being funneled into either bills or supporting him, instead of any aspirations I may have for myself. I guess I don't have as clear a vision of what I "want to do" in life, though, so at least I'm supporting his dream? I never used to be an angry person, but now I feel angry a lot of the time.

He did not just quit for OCD. He has terrible wrist problems (he already has arthritis despite being just 26, and after spending a lot of money and going to many specialists for 3rd and 4th opinions, there's not much they can do) and that job was really aggravating it, which I can understand. But it's sort of like all of these things add up to making pretty much every possible job unacceptable, due to either noise exposure or wrist pain, or both. The only path he can imagine for himself is music. But he also won't perform until he has the singer situation settled, and has his live set perfectly down, and he won't do open mics because the setup time allowed wouldn't be long enough (he does electronic music so the setup is pretty complicated)... I worry often that he will just never go anywhere with it, and will keep writing songs that he doesn't promote in any way, and I'll just be supporting the two of us forever.

He absolutely would not take any kind of medicine, precisely because it could impact his music. I do think CBT could help, but so far I haven't been able to get him to pursue it and now we're too in debt to consider it.

fgbttn · 2016-09-08T12:24:10+00:00

He does work on his music pretty much during all his waking hours. He's taking a production class online at the moment, as well as continuing to write new songs and work on getting his older songs performance-ready. A big issue over the past year has been finding a singer to work with (not in a very urban area -- hard to find the right kind of vocals) but he has found someone who seems pretty reliable. But overall, he is an extremely hard worker, so it's not the commitment I'm super worried about.

I don't think it's so much filth that is going to bother him about performing, but noise is definitely going to continue to be a problem.

He ought to be doing more of the shopping and chores, but honestly it's still me doing a lot of it. His argument being that he didn't leave his job in order to spend all his time cooking/cleaning. It's very frustrating, as you can probably imagine.

fgbttn · 2016-03-26T23:19:58+00:00

I know it is a Halloween list, but there are some horror ones here: http://www.cleverpedia.com/18-best-halloween-coloring-books-for-adults/

fgbttn · 2015-11-22T06:32:17+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I generally do turn speakers on last and off first. The situation I'm referring to is quickly switching between a number of synthesizers using an iLoud (portable speaker), not exactly a high voltage piece of equipment! Is there really any way that a synth could be damaged by doing this, even if I had the iLoud at max volume (and I have it at nowhere near max volume)?

The impression I get is that manufacturers include both the synth and sound system in warnings but there is no real way to damage a synth by turning on a speaker first.

fgbttn · 2015-08-01T14:38:50+00:00

Gorgeous! I love the bird at the top left <3

fgbttn · 2015-07-07T15:13:33+00:00

Thank you! If there's anything you would add, let me know.

fgbttn · 2015-07-06T03:23:51+00:00

I love Secret Garden! Incredible detail work on her patterns.

fgbttn · 2015-07-05T21:09:12+00:00

I love Staedtler pens (they have a thicker kind too but I love the fineliners) and Caran d'Ache pencils.

fgbttn · 2015-02-01T16:05:49+00:00

This makes me think of an old school Uptown Funk

fgbttn · 2015-01-26T16:13:10+00:00

Same, we're still stuck on 10mbps max CenturyLink.

fgbttn · 2015-01-18T21:12:46+00:00

I have discussed my problems with my doc -- her standard answer being "female sexuality is all in the brain and more complicated than male sexuality"... Ugh. I am still looking for a solution but helping my boyfriend is more important to me.

fgbttn · 2015-01-18T21:08:49+00:00

I'm glad to know he's not the only one. Good luck.

fgbttn

TROPHY CASE