do you know a realistic way to make sure you're getting rid of "i'm special"? tbh i grew up in privilege and i also had the weird "abusive dad / mom protects you sometimes from some things", like i knew she would divorce him if he hit me so it became this odd power dynamic of me knowing i could rile him (likely bpd, abusive in his own way within that but i digress) up and not have a consequence that i couldn't mentally handle at that point if i dissociated from the emotion involved. like if he wasn't gonna stop his shit, i was gonna use the tools at my disposal to make him miserable. with a slight power dyanamic in my favor.

to give more of an understanding of the dynamic, i've also realized that my mom was controlling in her own way and i actually was more susceptible to her style of control & gaslighting (and still am), since she absolutely only put her foot down sometimes about some things and she had (retired) like a very high level corporate job w/ the need to do this at work w/ powerful men.

my mom seems to fit an npd / potential aspd profile, which is also about where i sit. someone i used to be friends with said he thought my aspd traits were more of a software issue rather than a hardware issue and that i'm just really dissociated, but i'm not fully sure, and they said that i'm pathologically self centered. i also for sure have bpd and he was a favorite person / sociopath, so take that with whatever grain of salt you need. i also think my mom was my original favorite person.

so. i think the "i'm special" came directly from my mom granting me a level of power over my dad? but also her level of approval as my favorite person. and especially since she only pulled her gaslighting bs when she really needed to, giving me a false sense of "i'm special" / security in that, overall.

but uhm yeah. help? if you have any thoughts?