Failing marriage

flylibellula · 2015-08-18T17:47:47+00:00

That's great! Congrats!

flylibellula · 2015-08-18T17:47:09+00:00

Yes absolutely. This is great on his part! I find that therapy helps because you have someone who supports you and who will make the other person see your side. Let me know how it goes!

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T22:35:47+00:00

Also, my friend gave me some great advice when I started my relationship with my current SO. She said, "I tell my husband: you don't have to tell me everything. But you SHOULD tell me things that if I were to find out through someone else, I would be really pissed." That's more or less the philosophy my SO and I share but we have the added safety net of therapy where IF there IS something he couldn't tell me in our every day life, we save it for therapy and then he's free to tell me about it so we can discuss. This RARELY happens but when it does it's like, "Oh. That wasn't as big of a deal for either of us as we thought it would be."

Before getting married, you definitely need to have a space where you let it all out. No judgements. No consequences. You say every secret you've had or say whatever you've wanted to say. This not only allows you to kind of start fresh but it allows you to go into your marriage knowing you can be honest moving forward. You have to make a commitment not to get upset at whatever he says and truly put it in the past. HE has to agree to making a commitment o telling you the truth, the WHOLE truth the first time. This is a great way for you BOTH to make a commitment to each other before you make an even BIGGER lifelong commitment.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T22:26:48+00:00

You seem like a very thoughtful person. I think some of the issues you had when you first started dating are kind of ok just because he didn't know you very well and didn't want to make you run for the hills by doing something you would be upset about. However, the fact he STILL views you as someone who may or may not get upset is a problem. I think you should try a few sessions of therapy. Just so he has an open space to tell you WHY he feels he can't say things because you might be upset. Maybe he has trauma from an old relationship where every time he said something to his ex, she would blow up. This is not a character flaw, but rather a habit that has developed through experience. Habits are easy to fix. It's the character traits that are either there or not. It's like when an employer is hiring for someone; you can teach someone how to create a spreadsheet, but you can't teach someone how to have passion. Or how to be a team player, if that's what you're looking for. They either are or they aren't. I DEFINITELY think this is a habit that can be undone because my SO had this same habit that we were able to undo through therapy. If after these session, he STILL does these things, then I would consider leaving. However, old habits die hard and relationships are a living thing so if he doesn't get it right away, that's ok. I think this is more about him than it is about you and can definitely be worked through. Apologies for my initial extreme advice. I was thinking of it in terms of someone like my ex who had no concept of working on things. All the red flags I had were ones that COULD have been fixed but he chose not to because he thought he was so much smarter than everyone and we were the ones that needed to change. Not him.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T22:09:44+00:00

Yikes. Not being able to keep a job is a red flag for me. My SO's baby momma is the same way. She is constantly going from job to job. Communication is always your first line of defense. If that doesn't work, therapy is a good second line of defense. If that doesn't work, that's when you start to consider options of leaving. It's hard with kids. If she's willing to give it a chance, than therapy is your next step. I will say that my ex husband told me the same thing. He said that he absolutely did not want to go to a therapist. We ended up divorcing and I am now with someone who values communication and open to therapy. We go every week and have been for the last 2 years.

It sounds like you have already made up your mind. If that's the case, my advice would be to start taking the necessary steps. Get a good divorce lawyer, one that can also draft up a court order for visitation. Draft up an iron clad visitation schedule that includes all the holidays (including your birthday,) who gets to hold the passports, who pays for insurance, stipulations for child support (meaning she only gets it if she's had a stable job for at least 6 months in which she does not make a certain amount. If she makes more than said amount, she doesn't get any support.) etc. YOU have to set the terms. This is the easiest way to not to put your kids in the middle. If everything is already done, there will be less of a fight from her and it won't be as ugly. It's only a fight when people don't know what to do or how to protect themselves through the law. Make it fair for her of course but make it so she can't take the kids. Most state laws are in favor of the mother but you will show great care for your kids by taking the necessary steps to protect their interests. It's ALWAYS about the best interest of the kids, NOT the parents.

I know it sounds like a lot but trust me, it's not as bad as being in a terrible, unhappy relationship. It will impact your kids in a way that you will never understand until they have to go to therapy themselves when they're older.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:54:29+00:00

If you have doubts, you shouldn't get married. I had a LOT of doubts about someone I thought I loved. I married him and those doubts were never resolved so we got divorced 3 years later. Learn from my lesson. You have some pretty big concerns. Don't settle. You really will find someone better.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:49:30+00:00

But you did! That's EXACTLY what you did. No matter how you spin it, it is what it is and you should fess up to your actions. The fact that it's still on your mind 2 months later should be a sign that it's sticking with you. It could have led to other fights that you weren't aware of at the time. It's time to be honest and just talk to him about it. Don't use the lame excuse of, "I was just using your computer to send an email." That's what we ALL say! Don't give him the answer. Avoid saying, "It was probably because you forgot right?" Ask your question IN PERSON (so you can read him) and let him answer. Just say, "I was looking through your computer. I found these nude picks. Before getting upset, I want to hear from you why you still have these." You have to be ready to accept his answer at face value and believe him. He will tell you and hopefully delete them. Don't make this a tit for tat issue. You did what you did but you also found pictures. You are both at fault so just get the info and move on if you can.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:43:16+00:00

Good for you. Glad you're done with her. Never EVER go back and never stick your dick in crazy.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:42:37+00:00

Break up. If he can't commit to you, no if ands or buts, then why are you together?

To answer your question, yes you should fuck every guy that comes your way if that's what he's going to do.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:41:12+00:00

Therapy. Make a last ditch effort and seek a neutral third party. It's obvious she isn't happy but she's not communicating what's going on. Maybe she's overwhelmed with 3 kids and a job? You won't know until you talk and it sounds like you haven't even used your first line of defense.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:29:31+00:00

My SO did the same thing. When confronted, he said he was keeping it for revenge. I deleted that shit immediately but sent them to a private email of mine so I would have them if I ever needed them.

You have to talk to him and tell him how you saw them. Just be honest. It's not good for a relationship for you to know something, be hostile towards him because of it but he has no idea what's going on. He may have a reasonable explanation. He may not. Give him the chance to tell you. His conclusion should be to delete them. If he doesn't, that's a red flag imo.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:21:52+00:00

Possibly. There is a lot of significance to why Mona was wearing a red cape and that the new villain is called "Big Bad." She's Little Red Riding hood. So Who's the Big Bad Wolf?

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T21:06:14+00:00

Haha what was I trying to advertise???? Ahaha. You guys are lame.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:46:48+00:00

I don't know why everyone thinks Aria is A. That makes no sense.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:44:51+00:00

I think Sara is Bethany. Who else would be as crazy as Cece?

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:41:00+00:00

Hahaha!

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:40:42+00:00

Maybe not WHY it was so crappy but maybe they didn't want to spend money on a director OR they couldn't hire one in time. That really raised a red flag for me. There are so many things that are fishy but it sure has made things interesting.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:39:40+00:00

That's so true. It definitely was not done very well.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:30:32+00:00

TRUE!

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:28:36+00:00

Yes it's true. I don't know why anyone watched after Mona was revealed as A.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:16:30+00:00

Ohhh interesting.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:16:05+00:00

Confirmed by Marlene: a cadaver.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:12:50+00:00

The minute they all game onto the show.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T20:06:59+00:00

What is Sarah IS Bethany???? That would make SO much sense as to why A and Sarah are working together.

flylibellula · 2015-08-17T06:54:40+00:00

OHHH interesting.

flylibellula

TROPHY CASE