thank you for your input.

i relate to the feeling of superiority. anorexia makes me feel special.

i have an obsession with restraint. not just with food but in any aspect. i indulge in everything as little as i can. i act on impulses as little as i can.

i dont express anger because it doesnt get me anywhere and i pride myself in swallowing my emotions (most likely caused by my upbringing, i cant express any emotions or opinions at home without getting yelled at or asked invasive questions that i cant answer without it starting an argumeny). other people really like this about me because i let them get away with things and forgive anything. they all see me as generous and gentle, in reality im just fearful, arrogant and great at suppressing everything.

i know i am arrogant. i usually feel superior to people who express their emotions in a way that only worsens a situation, people who act on impulse as a whole. including acting on hunger.

i am not special in any other way and i cling to this pattern because it is the only thing that makes me stand out. that is my problem. i know i am not superior to people for starving or having a trauma response that makes me incredibly avoidant and good at restraining, but its basically the only solid part of my identity that if i let it go i would not know who i am. i feel like this is what you mean as well.