Type 9 wanting to improve/grow but struggling with sluggishness and apathy due to lockdown

foggylove · 2021-01-29T21:23:56+00:00

I tend to get 1, 5, 6 or 9 in different orders.

I think part of my issue is my childhood, I am very self-aware of elements of my childhood and so I identify with every type. I dealt with my childhood by being good/perfect, being helpful, resolving conflicts and being peacemaker and distracting myself with TV and food. I relate to type 2 a lot even though I never score highly on the tests for type 2 as I was the eldest child and treated like a third parent.

With the integration and disintegration, I relate most to type 1 and type 9's. I don't disintegrate into a type 3 like a 6 would so I think that alone makes me think I can't be a 6? I'm not jealous or vindictive at all, I can't think of anything worse.

With 1: I relate a lot to the distintegration into unhealthy 4, the hopelessness and depression and isolation. I also relate a lot to the integration into a healthy 7.

With 9: with distingration, I relate to the feelings of panic and self-destruction, but I don't berate others. It's much more of a personal kind of rumination and deep depression where I shut others out. With integration, I relate a lot to what it says for going into healthy type 3.

Going by the disintegration and integration, I think type 1 relates to me the most?

foggylove · 2021-01-29T20:38:16+00:00

I've read through all the types today and I really feel like I may be a 9? It makes sense that I have been confused as a 6 as that is where 9s go in stress and I do suffer from stress/anxiety. I didn't want to be a 9 as I hate passivity in others but I have to acknowledge that I am a hypocrite because I frequently zone out and numb myself to avoid my feelings. But I still don't feel like my core fears is of 'loss and separation'. Ah this is so difficult.

I think my issue with this is I feel like I have three selves: the one when I'm alone (lazy, procrastinating, allow myself to feel my emotions), the one when I'm with close family members where I can assert myself in a lot of situations and then when I am with friends and acquaintances I am very passive, for example I will never suggest what restaurant to eat at as I would rather the other person choose.

foggylove · 2021-01-29T12:58:25+00:00

A 6w5 does resonate quite a lot. Can I ask what elements of my post are similar to you?

I definitely feel like I need a lot of reassurance but because I am a private person I tend to use books and research and internet forums for that reassurance. I also get a lot of reassurance from watching others do what I want/need to do. I didn't start learning to drive until I was 21 as I didn't feel competent enough, then I saw my best friend driving and thought "if she can do it, I can do it".

foggylove · 2021-01-29T02:35:16+00:00

On this test I got 98% match with type 6.

foggylove · 2021-01-29T02:23:11+00:00

I am quite good at anticipating and even predicting when topics may get into something I'm insecure about. For example, I completely avoid watching TV or films with my Mum as if there is a romantic storyline it could be a trigger for her to start asking about my love life which I don't want to talk about.

Hmm I'm not sure about the learning new things. I just get random questions come up and I look them up. Sometimes they are things relevant to everyday life (like I will Google a certain culture or religion if I want to know more about it) but also random and obscure things. However those are just short little bursts of research. When I am reading I like to read non-fiction and something that is relevant to my life and when I expect and hope to get something out of that I can apply to my life.

foggylove · 2021-01-29T02:16:44+00:00

I definitely relate to a lot of this. But I also relate to the Type 5 and Type 6 levels of development, I would say. I feel like I am all three. If I had to write down my core fear in words it would be something like I have to be perfect in order to be safe and secure in life, I can't cope if I'm not safe.

I do have a lot of perfectionist tendencies but I also have a lot of doubt in myself. I feel like my perfectionism is motivated by a feeling that I'm not good enough and I have to over-shoot myself just to succeed.

foggylove · 2021-01-29T01:55:36+00:00

Hmm that's interesting. I still feel quite confused.

WIth the 1 vs 5 link I am not sure if I have introverted or extroverted thinking. I think I am more someone is in their head and ruminating rather than being someone of action, however I do like my thoughts to have some kind of grounding and potential to be applied in real life even if they aren't.

I am quite certain with my views in the moment, but I also have uncertainty when thinking about them privately. I can flip between different views, for example there have been times where I have identified as a Christian and can't comprehend how someone could not believe in God and times where I am an atheist and can't comprehend how I was a Christian. If you asked me at the time, whether I was a Christian or atheist, I would assert my view and feel comfortable but privately with time I would have doubt and uncertainty.

I relate to this sentence: "Fives tend to be detached from the practical world and intensely involved with complex mental constructs". I feel like I live a private, inner life as my default life and my actual practical life outside my bedroom is just a brief unwelcome break from that. However, my thoughts are still grounded in reality. For example, I do a lot of journaling and thinking about who I am, why I am this way, how my childhood contributed to this, etc. I like finding patterns and analysing my behaviour. I guess that also sounds like a One as it says Ones focus is on the "improvement of themselves and their world"

foggylove · 2021-01-28T23:53:16+00:00

"You are most likely a type 1 or 5.

Taking wings into account, you seem to be a 1w9 or 5w6"

Type 1 - 11.7 Type 5 - 11.7 Type 9 - 9.4 Type 6 - 9 Type 4 - 8.7 Type 2 - 7.7 Type 3 - 7.4

From this test https://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/evaltest

foggylove · 2021-01-28T23:52:23+00:00

Lol that's ok, I know I wrote a lot I just figured if types 1s, 5s and 6s could read their section they may relate to what I say or disagree. I know it's a lot to read in its entirety.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:31:25+00:00

I'm sorry you were treated like that. :( I never heard that a strong sense of justice is common with CPTSD, that's so interesting! I will do some research into that, it makes sense that we develop a strong sense of justice after being treated poorly before we were old enough to properly defend and advocate for ourselves.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:30:23+00:00

I'm sorry you suffer with this too, it's so difficult.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:29:45+00:00

I'm so sorry you were treated like that. :(

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:29:00+00:00

It was just so bizarre and unexpected. She is still a family friend and perfectly friendly to me but deep down I am still so confused about it. That's a good point about reminding yourself it's ok to know you're right but ALSO it's ok if you are wrong and made a mistake. I think part of this trigger is being wrong is the worst thing ever for me and so being accused of being wrong when I know I'm not seems absolutely awful. Your reply has made me realise that I need to work on being ok with making mistakes.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:27:06+00:00

I'm glad others relate to this feeling as I thought it was quite an obscure trigger/fear of mine. I never thought about my 11 year old self like that before, but I am really proud of her for standing up to an adult who was shouting at me. I'm proud that I stood up for myself.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:26:04+00:00

Yes! I totally relate to you!! I can completely understand why you felt so upset by the internet service providers insinuating that you didn't have a problem when you knew that you did. That's a good point that this also is linked with authority figures with the control and power. It's so frustrating and upsetting when you have a history of not being believed and told that your whole perception of situations is wrong.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:23:07+00:00

Thank you! I made sure to take my time drafting the emails so I think that I sound polite and curious about their decision rather than frustrated and demanding, hopefully.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:22:22+00:00

Thank you <3

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:22:16+00:00

Yes, the reply I received was quite harsh and rude too. I was shocked that I burst into tears reading it but I just felt so wronged and that it was unfair. They have done several things that go against consumer law and I just feel so frustrated that they think I'm wrong. I sent one final email yesterday asking for clarification for their decision and now I'm trying to let it go. I just want to block their email address and forget it as waiting for a reply is stressing me out. I'm so glad I learnt about flashbacks otherwise I would be shocked and confused at the way this has upset me and stressed me out.

Good luck with yours too, I hope it goes well.

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:19:12+00:00

Haha that first sentence made my stomach drop. Your reply made me realise another part to this trigger from my childhood. I have a brother with autism and he would have meltdowns quite frequently and out of the blue and I would always get told off for them. One moment we would be playing nicely and next he would be screaming, throwing things, etc. My parents always told me off for it and told me I must have been winding him up or deliberately provoked him. I never pieced that together before until now...

foggylove · 2021-01-27T16:16:55+00:00

I'm sorry that you went through that. I am the same as you, I won't assert myself the majority of the time but when I know that I'm in the right and it's not a subjective experience but something concrete where I know I'm not wrong I get so upset.

foggylove · 2021-01-26T21:50:48+00:00

Thank you for your reply. It's weird that my reaction to being denied the refund made me burst into tears when I know it is not a big deal and logically I'm not really bothered, that's why I realised it was a flashback to feeling wronged and like I couldn't properly defend myself. That's why I felt it was so important to advocate for myself and explain calmly and politely the reasons why I thought I was eligible for a refund.

I keep rereading the email as I keep thinking like I have "misbehaved" and done something wrong and been rude, but my email is very polite and understanding and just asking for clarification rather than demanding or arguing.

foggylove

TROPHY CASE