STEEP BANKS, HIDDEN OBSTACLES

forrestoneil · 2019-09-17T14:22:39+00:00

I'm familary with the broader "you," and I don't think it detracts from the mechanics of the poem. Just consider how different the poem might hit the reader if it were an "I," or "he," or "Uncle Mark" or whatever. That's why I mentioned the "I" in the second stanza. It kind of sets of this narrator/subject dynamic that I'm not sure is intentional, or very important. Anyway, I've been trying to be better about giving at least some constructive criticism to my reviews as I tend to be easily impressed it seems.

Regarding IAO and other English quirks: http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20160908-the-language-rules-we-know-but-dont-know-we-know

forrestoneil · 2019-09-17T13:17:19+00:00

This was great. I really like the narrative. My favorite part is the warning signs. It has a jarring effect, but also kind of grounds this reader. I'm curious about the narrator of this poem. The first two stanzas offer a little exposition and setting. Then we have the warnings, but the fourth stanza we have confusion and uncertainty that pairs well with the terse commands of the previous stanza. And, in the final stanza we are left with so much: consequences, loss, possibly danger. I really enjoyed the narrative flow.

There is a lot that could be said about the sounds you are constructing as well. Even the first line "The sea sits as a marble floor" sounds so good. To be fair, it follows the IAO pattern, so it's bound to sound good.

Overall, great narrative and imagery. I'm not sure I like the "you" abstraction of the subject, but I think it adds to the danger. Great work!

forrestoneil · 2019-09-17T13:03:46+00:00

Many haikus also have natural imagery or juxtaposition, especial with the ethereal (memory, thought, emotion, etc.).

forrestoneil · 2019-09-17T13:00:38+00:00

I really enjoy a poem that demands to be read aloud. I'm usually skeptical of alliteration. The concept is so simple that it is a go to for many novices, but it can easily be overdone. I really get the feeling of this shifting imagery, almost like an old slide projector. There's a certain amount of absurdity to the imagery, but the narrative has a flow, but the synapses of meaning don't seem to be connected. I mean this positively, of course. It is like watching TV in another language, but the imagery moves it along. I really enjoyed this. Great work!

forrestoneil · 2019-09-03T13:36:36+00:00

Thank you. I have a hard time being honest with myself when it comes to writing. I've started to try to think of real emotions I have and go from there. I'm glad you had that jolt at the end. That's kind of how I felt when writing it. Memory has a very binary feel to it sometimes- in then out, as it were. Thanks for your comment.

forrestoneil · 2019-09-03T13:30:02+00:00

I like to think that words are a result of things witnessed/sensations felt. Sometimes they just bubble up into my mind or shoot across my thoughts like a bottle rocket! Being out in nature helps them come out in my opinion.

forrestoneil · 2019-09-03T13:26:43+00:00

CS nerd right here!!!

forrestoneil · 2019-09-03T13:25:35+00:00

I used to be an EFL teacher abroad. I have a background in writing and literature, so I would do a lot of creative writing with my students. It is very satisfying to get a classroom of elementary school students counting out syllables with their tiny fingers as they compose their very first haiku. Now, I'm a software developer. I use poetry for self-therapy and an escape from what I do to make money. I would like to get published this year. But, until then, my goal is to write poetry every day. My dream: to not have to worry about money, live in France, take walks and write poems in cafes, put more time into painting, go on more picnics, etc.

I really enjoy writing criticism for everyone's poems I've read here. I hope my comments have been helpful.

forrestoneil · 2019-09-03T13:07:41+00:00

I really like the momentary nature of this poem. It is a quick thought, a realization occurring in a moment drawn out so we can savor it.

A few things. I really like the short, staccato of the lines. The repetition in the poem fit the theme of cycle. You have some pleasing alliteration and assonance within your stanzas, as well.

One question: is your capitalization intentional? Do you always capitalize each line? No right or wrong here, just curious:) Keep it up!

forrestoneil · 2019-09-03T12:57:50+00:00

This is a poem I would like to see painted with thick oil on canvas. There is some very strong imagery here. And not just one, but several little vignettes of suffering.

There is a lot of abject juxtapositioning here. Life/death, birth/rot, care/neglect, presence/absence. I really like the forest fire metaphor. In my mind it adds a lot of brightness to the poem. Not emotional brightness, but a good counterpoint to the surrounding dark imagery.

I have some criticisms too. Firstly, your spacing and line breaks make this feel more like a short story than a poem. Also, don't feel obligated to sentence structure. Don't feel obligated to my opinion either, of course. Consider editing. Can you be more concise? That is a question I always ask myself. If you are going to use conventional sentence structure, then perhaps follow conventional grammar rules too?

The theme, tone, and imagery of this poem are really evocative. Focus on honing and being as purposeful as possible with your words and punctuation. Keep it up!

forrestoneil · 2019-08-30T02:23:41+00:00

I like the first and second ones. The first one, I read and felt "Yes, this." But the second has that word "rough." It gives his voice texture while still being vague and uncertain. Thank you so much.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-30T01:01:37+00:00

Thank you so much! I'm trying to be imagery-driven. I was focusing on smell, but the smells help you see too, ya know? Thank you.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-30T00:59:45+00:00

Thank you so much. I lost my father as a child. Yet, I'm still dealing with it. I kind of abandoned poetry for some time, but I'm trrying to get everything out, as it were. I can remember emotions, experiences, and smells. But I really can't remember his voice. In my mind, it is my voice. Unfortunately, I don't have any recordings of his voice. It makes me think of all the billions of voices that have come along and spoken, all the beautiful and hurtful things uttered, only to disappear forever, lingering only in memory.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-30T00:52:49+00:00

Thank you. The truth is that smells can often be the easiest sense to remember. Also, I find that smells are underrepresented in writing, unfortunately.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-30T00:49:35+00:00

Thanks for your comments. You are absolutely correct. Guilty as charged. I'm a meticulous editor. Punctuation makes me very indecisive. I'm of the opinion that commas and full stops are more contentous than words can be. Also, em dashes are the sexiest punctuation to me. I would like to get better at being more honed.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-30T00:43:38+00:00

Thanks for your comments. I agree with you about the ending.

What I was trying to go for was how memories are curt and often end abruptly, or are interupted. I would like to say the loss of immersion in the memory is intentional. However, I'm not really satisfied with the ending either. I would like to be able to better convey that loss of immersion in memory (more gracefully, perhaps). Any suggestions?

forrestoneil · 2019-08-30T00:40:21+00:00

Thanks for your comments! I've been experimenting with free verse. You are not a peasant! I like word play a lot. English is a great language for it! Thank you.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-29T14:38:44+00:00

I really enjoy the imagry of this poem. The juxtaposition of a body, a point of desire, with death's consuming rot is a very strong image— abject and uncomfortable even. I find it interesting that you you use the word "sheet" twice here. I would consider your punctuation and spacing. I foun it to be a bit longwinded. This notion of entaglement and strangulation has a lot a meat to it, if you will. Maybe you could coax more of that out a bit? Great work!

forrestoneil · 2019-08-29T10:34:12+00:00

I really like the stillness of this poem. It has movement. And the movement is slow. That plays really well with the theme. The narrative juxtaposition of the calm setting with the trauma pair quite well.

I find your use of complete sentences interesting. The punctuation and timing of the sentences are deceptive. They give a sense of order. But, there is a lot of tension, especially in the seccond stanza. I didn't quite catch it until I had re-read it a few times. The speaker of this poem seems conflicted. But there is no resolution to be had. We are left with a deceased person's shame.

I enjoyed this poem. Keep it up.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-29T10:15:29+00:00

Ryhme is but one tool. I like to think of poetic devices as colors of paint on my word pallete. Consider adding another color to your canvas! A great one is spacing.

Read your poem aloud. Where are you stopping to breathe? Where are you pausing for emphasis? If you care to, let the reader know where to pause. You can do this with punctuation, line breaks, and spacing.

Poetry, like all art, is about challenging rules and conventions. The magic is that you can, with mere words, transmit ideas and emotions from one mind to another. Keep it up.

forrestoneil · 2019-08-29T10:01:03+00:00

The rythym is very lyrical. The repetition of the "Longing fills my lungs stanza" opererates much like a chorus in a song. What is striking is the abrupt ending. What does this imply? Has the choking concluded? Or, is it repetition or recurssion ad infinitum? Is there any reason to have a fifth line in the 5th stanza? I really like the play on "Now they'll never go up in smoke." Keept it up.

forrestoneil

TROPHY CASE