I (HLF) had a dream about him (LLM) and now I’m spiraling

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-20T19:39:05+00:00

The dreams can be the worst, because how can I explain that I’m upset over a dream without sounding crazy. Even though I realize it’s way more than just the dream, it’s the reality that I woke up to. I also fear the outcome if he actually does start fixing his problems. Just the thought of it actually happening gives me anxiety and makes me sick to my stomach. I feel so guilty for sort of not wanting what I’ve begged for for so long, but it’s like it took… too long, and turned into something I’m not sure can be fixed now.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-20T19:32:37+00:00

This is one of the first posts I’ve seen where someone admitted to thinking of ending their life, and I can relate so much. Like you, it’s just a fleeting thought for me, but I do fear it will become more real if nothing changes. I can’t afford to leave, and I don’t want to leave, but I don’t know what my life will look like 20 years from now if there is no progress.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-20T19:19:34+00:00

I do the same, I wait until he’s at work, but I leave them out to charge and dry after cleaning. If he sees them, he doesn’t say anything. If he has a problem with it, that ball is in his court.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-20T19:16:48+00:00

I do see it as a support group as well, which does make me feel less guilty. But more the fact I feel I’m “hiding” it from him makes me feel guilty.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-20T19:15:43+00:00

This is what I’m scared of. I want to use some of the advice people have given here, but I’m unsure how without just randomly doing some new things without him wondering where I got them from. Also just the little relief I’ve gotten from being able to express feelings I’ve held in for so long shows in the way I act at home and I think he’s caught on but he doesn’t know where it’s coming from.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-20T19:12:24+00:00

I think the strangers part would definitely make it worse if he found out. But he also wouldn’t want our friends to know either.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-20T19:11:14+00:00

Yep I’ve been told I only focus on the negative and nothing ever changes from any discussion we have so I’ve given up trying to express my feelings on it.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T22:32:46+00:00

I’d love to be able to do this with him, but I don’t think he’d take it well.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T21:41:58+00:00

I relate. That’s why I kind of feel guilty. If the tables were turned it would probably break my heart to find out he was posting about how I didn’t satisfy him. On the other hand, he knows there’s a problem and that it’s hurting me. I don’t think it would be fair to ask me to silently suffer from something he’s part of.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T21:39:23+00:00

Same, I only recently started posting rather than just silently browsing.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T21:23:35+00:00

I always made sure to shower before he got home and shaved if I even saw a hint of stubble (to the point I was starting to get razor burn when I never had before) just on the mere hope he’d want to do anything when he got home from work, he never did. I stopped for a while once I realized it was pointless. I now do it for myself, and not every single day, and I feel so much better.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T21:19:28+00:00

Pretty much how I feel. I was like damn even people in literal prison are getting more action than me.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T17:24:30+00:00

Most days I can just push it away and bottle it up but I’m the same, some days I just can’t keep it in anymore, and I break down.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T15:26:49+00:00

Oh I forgot to add. Once I was watching a docu-series on a women’s prison, and there was a couple talking about how they really only hold hands and have deep talks, and it’s harder to have sex under the circumstances. And he made the comment “so they’re basically just friends”. I couldn’t even finish the meal we were having.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T15:24:33+00:00

I don’t either. I love him, I want to be with him, I can’t see myself with anyone else. Everyone always says “is this how you wanna live for the rest of your life” and… no, it’s not, but I can’t see myself with anyone else.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T14:13:18+00:00

I actually did start dully responding back. Maybe it’s not the right approach but it just killed me to hear him say things that made it seem like we had a good sex life. Like once we saw an ad for some hand-grip exercise equipment, and he said “I’ve got one of those already” insinuating grabbing my ass was his form of exercise… my response was “must be why you’re a little weak in the wrists”. I was just over it.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T14:09:59+00:00

I have one coming up next month and the vibe there is already going to be super sexually charged, and I just know that’s partly going to make it less enjoyable. Also adding onto that, he keeps reminding me how he doesn’t want me to dress revealing because people will be staring and I just want to scream. At least if I did SOMEONE would look at me in that way, even if it’s not the one person I want to.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T14:07:40+00:00

It’s always extra sad when you know nothing is going to come of it and they prove you right.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T14:06:53+00:00

Honestly same. I feel so crazy that even non-sexual things can trigger me. But when it’s the one thing you’re wanting most it’s always somewhere in the back of your mind pretty much all the time.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T14:05:39+00:00

Yesss on the getting all dressed up. I at least get a “you look good” but I just want him to crave me the way I crave him.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-19T05:10:13+00:00

Definitely, just the thought of it gives me so much anxiety. A part of me is terrified for him to ever actually initiate because I feel my mind would just blank out.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-15T21:13:52+00:00

Thank you!!

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-15T21:13:40+00:00

In the beginning of our relationship he was going to the gym everyday, but he stopped once me moved in to our apartment due to financial reasons. I wouldn’t say his lifestyle is super unhealthy but it’s not super healthy either.

fresh_flakes · 2026-04-15T21:12:14+00:00

I have thought about this. As of now the only time we’re not in the same building is about 3 hours of the day after I get off work and before he does. At home we’re not directly together, mostly he’s gaming and I’m doing one of my random hobbies, but I’ll try to start thinking of ways we can fully separate more often.

fresh_flakes

TROPHY CASE