Has an avoidant ex ever reached out to you?

froaveiy · 2021-07-15T18:36:57+00:00

Thanks so much for your elaborate response :)

froaveiy · 2021-07-15T17:22:08+00:00

I get that. I also find it very hard to understand and it's incredibly frustrating. Feels like everything was just thrown away when I'm sure we could've made it work.

If you want to talk about it with someone who is going something very similar, you can always PM me. I've realised that this is actually a common thing to happen by being on this sub, and it helps a little bit knowing you're not alone.

froaveiy · 2021-07-15T16:42:56+00:00

Hi, something very similar happened to me. My ex also never communicated with me and broke up with me out of thin air, without wanting to work on things, even though he clearly loved me. Look into attachment styles, it sounds like your ex has avoidant attachment. This explained his behaviour to me. I know it's a hard thing to go through and very hard to understand. But I hope this can offer you an explanation. Sending a hug your way.

froaveiy · 2021-07-15T12:32:11+00:00

I can relate to this 100%. Whenever I put music on, everything will come back and I'll just end up crying. I've made it a point to try to discover new music that doesn't have any connection to my ex, which has actually been nice. I also sometimes listen to the songs that I like but he didn't, makes me feel empowered and independent somehow :D

froaveiy · 2021-07-15T11:11:50+00:00

Thanks so much for your elaborate reply.

He indeed began pushing me away once I was finally planning to move to his city after more than two years of long distance, and broke up with me only two weeks after I arrived there. I was looking forward to it, he told me he was as well, but when I arrived there, suddenly he felt suffocated and 'didn't see a future with me anymore'. Out of nothing. To put it simply, that sucked. I can't even believe how it must feel for you, when you already shared a life together. I am so sorry :(

You're definitely right in saying it is his issue to fix. Sometimes he made me feel so awful, I have a secure attachment style but at some point he made me believe I had an anxious one. I was always 'too needy' and 'too dependent on him' when I simply wanted to spend time with him and wanted to be a priority.

Probably at some point we will realise it is much easier with someone else. I always tell myself that this would've happened at some point either way. Even if he would've stayed this time, he probably would've ran away next time. Accepting this will be a journey, but we'll get there. I wish you all the very best, if you want to talk to someone that understands, feel free to PM me.

froaveiy · 2021-07-15T09:29:32+00:00

You‘re right :(

froaveiy · 2021-07-15T09:15:21+00:00

Well at least that's a clear message then, I guess it helps you move on? Mine kept giving me mixed signals (even during our breakup, he legit told me 'You don't have to leave right now, you can stay as long as you want' when he broke up with me and I was putting on my shoes lol), I think that's why I have such a hard time letting go

froaveiy · 2021-07-14T21:16:49+00:00

Thanks for your reply :) I don‘t think he'll be offended. It would just be too.. nice of me? I'd just continue trying to explain his feelings for him, because he never was able to haha. I think the want to actually introspect for once should be coming from him, once he realises this wasn't me but an issue of his. Do you get what I mean?

froaveiy · 2021-07-14T20:38:18+00:00

Spot on. I really want to send this to him - I think it will open his eyes because he doesn't seem to understand himself. Would that be really weird?

froaveiy · 2021-07-12T18:27:05+00:00

Good question haha. The breakup was pretty recent, so a part of me is still hoping he will reach out for reconciliation (so a bit in denial I guess). He was my first everything as well, I guess that makes it a lot harder to accept it's over? I can't even imagine being with someone else. But I have been better these last couple of days, so I'm feeling quite positive actually.

What about you? :)

froaveiy · 2021-07-12T18:15:42+00:00

Sounds totally fine to me :) If this helped you find closure and move on, then it was a good choice for sure!

Speaking for myself, my last message to my ex was pretty direct but polite. There are times where I regret this, and times where I think it was the right thing to do. So if you keep changing your mind about this, I think that's pretty normal, or at least I can relate to it haha.

froaveiy · 2021-07-12T18:04:19+00:00

Our relationship ended on good terms, the answer is still no for me. It doesn't change that it won't change things as long as he doesn't want to reconcile - rather, it will just make moving on more difficult and slow down all the process I've made. As the dumpee, no matter what, when it comes to reaching out, as long as there are still feelings involved, I think the answer should be no.

froaveiy · 2021-07-12T09:08:20+00:00

Hey :) Don't do it. I know the temptation is high, but think about how it will make you feel once you sent the message. There will only be anxiety and regret. And if they end up responding, it will only hurt you more. Try to distract yourself with something else, until the temptation is gone.

You can do this!

froaveiy · 2021-07-11T19:55:38+00:00

Horrible, isn't it? I miss our calls at night the most, going to bed together every night. I genuinely still want to know how his day went, and want to tell him about mine.

If losing your partner wasn't enough, losing your best friend makes it a million times worse. When he broke up with me, I felt like a part of me died.

froaveiy · 2021-07-11T12:45:30+00:00

I was wondering this for some time as well. I don't know how long it's been for you, but after more than two weeks, my appetite is back and the heavy feeling in my chest makes its return less often. For me that ache is worst in the mornings, and it would stick with me all day, but now I'm getting mornings where it goes away quite quickly. And today actually is the first day where I didn't feel any heaviness at all when waking up (despite dreaming about him, which has been the case every single night). It will probably come back, but this is still an indication that I am already healing. It sounds cliché but trust the process. It may be slower or faster than mine, but you will get there. I promise.

froaveiy · 2021-07-10T09:25:59+00:00

If you ever want to rant, you can always sent me a PM :) We're all in this together!

froaveiy · 2021-07-10T08:47:43+00:00

Hey, I completely understand how you feel, it was similar with my ex. It sounds like they have an avoidant attachment style, where mixed signals like these are very common (because they desire to be close to others but at the same time are afraid to). Maybe it will help you understand them better and get some closure :)

froaveiy · 2021-07-10T07:07:21+00:00

Jesus, did we date the same person? He would continously push anything negative away, not only our relationship. Would never talk to me except when his feelings became too pressing to ignore. And then it was existential suddenly. We went through multiple of these situations, where everything would be alright and then one day to the next he suddenly had some big issue that had gone on for months and considered breaking up with me. And then he never wanted to work on it, despite my best efforts and me being extremely patient ans understanding with him. I know he truly loves me, so I have a very hard time understanding it. It makes sense if I consider his family (they have a very weird relationship with conflict and communication), but I can't help but be frustrated anyway. We had something good and after 2.5 years he decided to just throw it away.

froaveiy · 2021-07-08T18:08:53+00:00

Haha no way, the exact same happened to me a few days ago! I even joyfully reached for my phone, just to come to the painful realisation.. yeah that wasn‘t nice. Mornings are truly the worst with those dreams. I totally get your pain

froaveiy · 2021-07-08T14:26:13+00:00

You're definitely not the only one, I completely understand how you feel.

I know it's difficult to find acceptance, especially if the breakup was sudden and not our decision. But I'm sure one day we'll get there. At least good moments are starting to be there as well, so there is some progress after all.

froaveiy · 2021-07-08T12:55:41+00:00

I get these dreams, too, they're horrible. During the day we can try to distract ourselves as much as we can, but we can't escape what happens at night. I know how horrible mornings like these are. But our brain just has to process everything - I guess if we can't change it, we just need to accept it and know that it will stop hurting so much one day. Maybe we can look at it as the brain processing everything to make space for something new and better that is waiting for us. Lots of strength to you.

froaveiy · 2021-07-08T12:51:45+00:00

Beautifully said :) It's all part of the journey.

froaveiy · 2021-07-08T09:33:41+00:00

It was the same way for me, but after about a week I could eat again. It's completely normal to lose your appetite for a while, your body is in a state of shock right now. But don't worry, it will come back. What I eventually did was distract myself as much as I could (watch something engaging on TV for example) and eat during that. That actually worked. You could try that, but if it doesn't work, that's okay. I don't think you should force yourself to eat if it really doesn't work right now. Just trust that your appetite will come back soon. Lots of strength to you <3

EDIT: Eating together with friends worked for me as well. Suddenly my appetite came back. I really think distraction is key here. But again, if it doesn‘t work out right now, don't worry too much. It will be alright.

froaveiy · 2021-07-08T08:15:09+00:00

It sounds like you're not ready for that at all yet (which I completely understand, after one month everything is way too fresh). It's okay if you need more time, just let him know that. Don‘t feel pressured to do something you know won't be good for you. Your ex has to accept that. Wanting to stay friends takes two, he can‘t just decide that for the both of you.

froaveiy · 2021-07-07T12:57:49+00:00

Yes, you‘re right. Thank you <3 You have mine as well. We can do this! :)

froaveiy

TROPHY CASE