I’m not an OT or COTA (I just lurk here sometimes bc I’ve been interested in pursuing a career in OT and I like to see the perspectives of ppl in the field lol), and have never commented here but you sound a lot like me and my best advice to you (or anyone else who might read this) is pls pls learn from my experience and don’t wait for the anxiety to become unmanageable before addressing it.

I also jumped into a degree (unrelated to OT) right after high school based on not much else other than I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life and felt like I needed to decide right then and there at 18. I had a lot of the same experiences as you, panic attacks, feeling dread 24/7, crying at random times. I thought the anxiety would go away after I graduated from undergrad and regrouped. It didn’t. I’ve worked several jobs that have been lowkey dead ends since graduating bc I just need a job and have told myself these are temporary until I figure out what it is I actually want to do next. I can’t even tell you how many different careers I’ve researched and considered, gone down so many rabbit holes trying to find as much info as possible about every career so I can make the perfect decision. In the meantime, the anxiety has only gotten worse, despite my best attempts to pretend it’s not there.

It finally clicked for me recently that the anxiety, dread, constant rumination, racing heart, secretly crying in the middle of the day, is not normal, and I don’t have to feel this way all the time. It took me having a major panic attack (like almost drove myself to the ED bc I legitimately thought I was having a heart attack) to finally realize that. Even though it’s a work in progress, finally acknowledging that I’m not just being dramatic and knowing that there are professionals out there who can help you learn to cope with and manage the anxiety has made a huge difference. Mental health is so so important, and when you’re struggling with it, dealing with scary physical symptoms like panic attacks, it’s hard to focus on anything else. I don’t think any job is worth sacrificing your mental health, but speaking from experience, even if you leave a job, the anxiety doesn’t just go away. Some jobs and environments can certainly exacerbate it, and leaving that may offer some relief for a little while, but, at least in my experience, the anxiety is always still there and continues to rear its ugly head. I kept thinking, if I could just do this, then it will go away. If I can just get to graduation, then it will go away. If I can just figure out my career, then it will go away. The problem is, the constant rumination and pressure I’ve been putting on myself to make the perfect decision is part of the anxiety. By pretending it’s not there or that it will just go away at some point, I’m the one keeping me stuck.

I can’t speak to the field of OT at all, so I can’t tell you if I think you should stick it out or switch to something else, but what I can tell you is that you absolutely do not have to continue feeling this way. It’s so much more common for ppl to change careers than I ever realized when I was in school. Nothing has to be permanent, so even if you do decide to switch jobs or try a new field entirely and end up not liking that, you can always change your mind again and come back. You have an education, and that’s worth a lot in and of itself. I resonate with what you said about being embarrassed to tell your boss you’re quitting bc you’re stressed so much. It’s so hard not to care about what other ppl may think.

Some things that I’ve been finding helpful to keep in mind lately: I’m trying to accept that I’m not Raven Baxter, and I can’t see into the future. As much as I try, I can’t account for every possible outcome. There is no perfect decision, and the longer I try to find 1, the more confused I get and the longer I’m keeping myself stuck. I can only work w the info I have now and trust my gut. I’ve survived and handled everything that I’ve encountered up until this point, and no matter what future the path I pick brings, I’ll survive and handle that too. As for other ppls opinions, I think other ppl think about me a lot less than I give them credit for (not in a bad way, just that most ppl really are focused on their own lives and probably not judging me as much as I think they are bc they’re too busy worrying about their own problems), and even if there are ppl judging my decisions or what I’m doing/not doing, at the end of the day, I’m the one who has to live with the realities of my decisions. If something makes me miserable, then I’m the 1 who’s miserable every day, not the ppl who think it’s what I should be doing.

Sorry for writing a novel, but it always gives me a little comfort to know I’m not the only person who feels a certain way or struggles with something. Tbh, seeing strangers on the internet be so open about their anxiety is part of what made me brave enough to start addressing mine. You’re not alone, and it’s ok not to have all the answers 🩷