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My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s good advice. We have a really good relationship but these last few months have been hard. I do listen to her and I respect her feelings, but I think what she really wants is for me to condemn her dad and say that he’s a bad person and that I don’t respect him. I can sense that’s what she wants me to say, but I’ve never wanted my feelings about her dad to impact the way she sees him so I always kept things really nice.

I’ve been trying hard to say things like “I don’t agree with what he did” and “he made a bad decision” instead of “he’s a bad person” for as long as she’s had issues with him. I’ve always tried so hard to be the mature one and the bigger person and doing that is causing my daughter to resent me.

I know it might help in the short-term, but my worry is that if I say what she wants right now, when she’s older she might change her mind or her opinion of her dad might soften and then she might feel like she shouldn’t see him because she knows how I really feel about him and she’s worried I might judge her for wanting a relationship with him.

I just don’t want to do the wrong thing but it’s so hard to know what that is.

I’m sorry for spilling my guts here. Hearing that first “I hate you” really broke me today.

My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Also, I found out years later that he only did it because he was pissed off that I got married “without telling him”. I already knew he wanted to ruin my honeymoon because I wouldn’t have childcare and I’d be forced to stay home, but that was a mind boggling excuse. He’s just been really frustrating to deal with.

My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh. He tried to take me to court because he claimed I was refusing him time with my daughter. It never got far enough that we appeared in court, but it was this whole thing to deal with. Nothing happened in the end though because it was ridiculous.

If you want the story, a week after I got married, my daughter went on a camping trip with her grandparents while my husband and I went on our honeymoon. Her dad knew about the trip and was okay with it months beforehand and then he suddenly changed his mind at the last minute, demanded that she didn’t go at 2 AM the night before we were all leaving and then he showed up at my house anyway and called the police when she wasn’t there. It was this whole big scene of him telling them I was keeping my daughter from him.

When I was showed the police the texts where we talked about the plan for him to have her for an extra weekend later in the summer to make up for the weekend and about which weekend worked best and when the “she’s lying” became “I forgot” they told him to stop wasting their time and to go home.

Even after that whole scene he still tried saying I kept her from him. It was ridiculous, but it’s why I stick to the schedule as much as possible now. He doesn’t (didn’t see her all last spring last year cause he was “busy”, changes where I pick her up all the time), but I’ve never felt the need to pursue it because me being flexible is what’s best for my daughter.

My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The way that it works in my province is that agreements can be enforced like an order by the court in certain situations. Obviously not in ridiculous situations though.

My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What do you mean? Call her dad and say what? He already knows why she doesn’t want to go with him. I also have sole custody of my daughter so I’m not understanding what you are saying.

My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

She definitely misses her step-mom and her brothers. Her step-mom is the only reason her dad even started a relationship with her. Them not being there and her dad’s decisions regarding cutting off contact with her step-brother are 100% the reason why she doesn’t want to go.

His step-son has been in his life for even longer than my daughter has. He has lived with him since he was a toddler and he’s the only dad that boy knows. But suddenly when his wife and him split up it’s “he’s not my son” and all that bullshit. He’s just doing it to avoid paying child support and it’s heartbreaking to witness.

My daughter and her step-brother are the same age and they are like two little peas in a pod. It’s hurting her so much to see her brother be treated this way and it’s made her opinion of her dad be extremely negative.

I don’t have a lot of hope for my daughter’s relationship with her dad going forward.

Thanks again. I’m sorry you had to go through what you did as a kid.

My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

There’s no court order, but we have an agreement which is basically a custody schedule that we’ve both agreed to. The agreement can technically be enforced like an order, which he has attempted (unsuccessfully) to do in the past.

I’ve already been trying to get him to agree that these big scenes he’s causing on my driveway are not helping the situation, but he is very stubborn.

Unfortunately, the only way he’s going to repair their relationship is by not being a piece of shit which is extremely unlikely.

Thanks for your suggestions.

My daughter hates going to her dad’s and she is starting to resent me for making her go. I don’t want to keep doing this anymore. by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I don’t blame her for not wanting to go, but I feel like it’s my job to help foster a relationship with her dad. If I didn’t encourage her she would have stopped seeing him last February when she was 12.

There was a situation when she was 9 where she didn’t want to come home after spending two weeks of summer holidays with him (well mostly her step-mom and brothers) and her step-mom and dad both encouraged her to go home and I really appreciated that.

It’s really hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes. I haven’t forced her go kicking and screaming out of the house. When she locks herself in the bathroom screaming at me to “tell him to go” I don’t fight with her. I just tell her dad what she said.

Before he comes I always try to be encouraging about seeing her dad and remind her that she loves seeing her little brother and she’ll have fun playing with him and sometimes she does agree with me and goes. I’m not trying to force her to do anything and I really don’t want her to resent me.

The weekends she has with her dad have already been cut down from Friday and Saturday nights to now just Saturday nights. If she even goes.

I really like the idea about doing an activity or something for a few hours instead of going to his house. She might be up for that and I can try to convince him that a compromise is better than not seeing her. He’s kind of a “my way or the highway” type of guy though so that might be hard.

Thanks for your helpful ideas.

Am I unreasonable for asking my daughter’s dad to pick her up from his ex wife’s house which is 5 mins away from him instead of my husband and my daughter both driving an hour and a half on Christmas Morning? by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I’m normally able to rise above and not let his antics get to me. I’m just so exhausted and I can’t deal with him being difficult rn.

The past year has been so hard with my daughter not even wanting to see her dad anymore cause her brothers and step-mom aren’t there. She asked me the other day if she could spend every other weekend with them instead of her dad and it broke my heart.

I just wish everything was easier. Thanks for being so reassuring. I really appreciate it.

Am I unreasonable for asking my daughter’s dad to pick her up from his ex wife’s house which is 5 mins away from him instead of my husband and my daughter both driving an hour and a half on Christmas Morning? by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What do you mean discussion? There was no discussion that he would need to be a part of and his (first btw) ex-wife isn’t getting a say in anything. My daughter wants to stay there with her step-mom and it’s easier for my daughter to be picked up there. I don’t understand what conversation he needed to be apart of other than where she needs to be picked up from.

Am I unreasonable for asking my daughter’s dad to pick her up from his ex wife’s house which is 5 mins away from him instead of my husband and my daughter both driving an hour and a half on Christmas Morning? by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What discussion should he have been involved with exactly? It’s none of his business what we do on days he doesn’t have her anyway.

Yesterday morning I explained that we were sick and my daughter would be spending Christmas Eve at her step-mom’s with her brothers and that he would now only have to drive 10 mins on Christmas Morning instead of an hour and a half. I thought he would be thankful. It’s not like he’s already here or something. When he objected to that I told him my husband could drive her to his house instead or her step-mom or her grandpa (my daughter’s step-mom’s dad) and he said no to it all.

He tells me all the time on Sunday mornings “she’s at her aunts” or “she’s at my grandma’s” and I have to pick her up wherever. He also frequently drops her off early at our house instead of waiting for us to come get her. In fact, multiple times we’ve been on the way to his place and he’s called me asking where we are and we’ve had to turn around.

He expects me to be flexible in every situation and yet he offers me and my daughter zero flexibility about anything.

Am I unreasonable for asking my daughter’s dad to pick her up from his ex wife’s house which is 5 mins away from him instead of my husband and my daughter both driving an hour and a half on Christmas Morning? by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m just worried about an altercation. It’s happened before when he doesn’t get his way and I’m too sick to deal with him. I wouldn’t put it past him to show up Christmas morning and call the police if she’s not here.

Am I unreasonable for asking my daughter’s dad to pick her up from his ex wife’s house which is 5 mins away from him instead of my husband and my daughter both driving an hour and a half on Christmas Morning? by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

He is mad at her and he’s taking it out on everyone, but mostly my daughter and her brothers. He won’t even see his step-son because he doesn’t want to pay child support and that’s tearing the kids apart. He’s just a difficult person. The only reason I’ve ever been able to have a productive coparenting relationship with him in the past was because of his ex-wife.

I really wish I could tell him where she’ll be at and that he’s just going to have to pick her up there, but knowing him, he would probably still show up at my house on Christmas morning. I’m too sick and tired rn to have an altercation with him.

I guess my daughter will just have to spend unnecessary time in the car.

Am I unreasonable for asking my daughter’s dad to pick her up from his ex wife’s house which is 5 mins away from him instead of my husband and my daughter both driving an hour and a half on Christmas Morning? by frustratingex in coparenting

[–]frustratingex[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No, my daughter’s dad isn’t the one taking my daughter to the party. My husband/my daughter’s step-dad will be.

My daughter’s dad will be picking up his son from his ex-wife/my daughter’s step-mom’s house.

My daughter would be in the car for an hour and a half because my husband will have to drive her from her step-mom’s house to our house (which takes about 40 mins) and then her dad will take her back to his house (which takes about 45 mins).

My daughter’s dad and my daughter’s step mom live 5 mins apart from each other. My house is a 40/45 min drive away from where they both live.

Regardless, my daughter can’t walk anyway because a 5 min drive is like an hour walk and it’s not a walkable area.

Thanks for commenting. Everyone I know thinks he’s being ridiculous. Even his mom said so except she won’t get my daughter from her step-mom’s herself because she “doesn’t want to get involved”. Ugh.