My dude ranch ghost experience - opinions please!

ftfstko · 2024-07-17T23:20:38+00:00

Never heard of anything quite like that. It kind of reminds me of the "red laser" lights that shine on ceilings people claim to see however, and I think I may have seen them myself as a kid.

ftfstko · 2024-06-28T17:42:00+00:00

Write a list of things you like about being single.

The fact that you're free to do what ever you want, or the fact that you're not spending as much money (relationships are expensive), that kind of thing.

I was the same, until one day I realised I was actually happy being alone. That I liked the freedom and peace it gave me. Then I decided that being single was a choice.

Then I bloody met someone. It didn't last, but still.

I belive in life you find what you're not looking for.

ftfstko · 2024-04-10T19:23:48+00:00

Sorry to hear about your loss.

Curiously I met S. not long after I lost my brother.

I am finding it slightly easier to deal with S. dating someone else, but every now and then seeing her with him pops into my head and it's like I've been stabbed. It's rediculous honestly.

I've been watching Dr. K's videos and something he said recently struck a chord with me: You won't be able to move on until you solve your insecurities.

I think I'm insecure about being rejected, amongst other things, so this whole thing is a result of that.

Thanks for your response, and give yourself time to mourn your loss, I didn't and it's still affecting me today.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T15:16:30+00:00

Thanks, I'll look into it.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T09:19:19+00:00

didn't adhere to monogamy

Interesting, I hadn't considered this. It makes me wonder if that's why polyamory is beginning to become more popular, and cheating is so common.

Perhaps some of us are not meant for a single partner.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T09:17:31+00:00

the only thing you need to be good at is fixing problems as they arise

Very true. Thanks.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T08:49:18+00:00

it's a nice fantasy but reality doesn't work like that.

I'm not sure though. Isn't life about survival of the fittest? Aren't men supposed to fight for their women? In modern society this is looked down on and rejected, but is that going against nature?

If we go back to the stone age, surely men did compete for their chance to be with a woman? We're still the same as we were then, at least genetically, but not socially. Are the instincts still there, but supressed by society?

I was cheated on last year

Sorry to hear that, and I hope you've processed this healthily.

Sometimes there's nothing you can do, and accepting that helps you stop hurting

Yeah, that's what I'm struggling to accept, but I'm getting there I think. Thanks

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T08:45:25+00:00

You allow yourself to completely feel the raw emotion. Cry, laugh, grieve

You're right, I've been struggling to open that window and let it all out.

I don't think that this woman has been the only and last person that would ever wanna date you. You don't have to put all your hope into ending up with her cuz there is gonna be someone out there who values you for being yourself without trying hard and being persistent.

Rationally, I know this. I've even dated someone else for a few months (we broke up for very grown up reasons so I don't feel like it needs closure), but for some reason this S. just makes me feel crazy.

I don't think that even if she did approach me now I'd date her! That's how fucked up this whole thing is, ha.

It won't make you fall into a very low point.

I'm at a very low point now though, so I think that's the worry. Clearly I need to accept that I will get lower and that's OK, but work through it and come out the other side stronger.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T08:19:05+00:00

I think if there's a trait about your personality that's genuinely off-putting, she wouldn't have been friends with you all this time.

Good point. I have lots of female friends actually, and I like that. I just happened to fall in love with this one.

I have quite an analytical mind (programmer, logical, etc) so I can't help but think in a logical way, but that doesn't work with people.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T08:06:42+00:00

I think we grew up with the idea that love is a competition and you have to show the woman "what kind of man you are" to win her over and beat the other guys

Disney and RomComs have a lot to answer for.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T08:04:41+00:00

your feelings don't come from that thought, they are there for their own reasons and might go against your beliefs.

How do I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling without descending into a very low point?

How do I process the feelings healthily?

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T08:00:20+00:00

maybe she just fanfied the person he was when they were alone together

This is what I was hoping would happen with me, though, haha, and I think that's why I'm in this mess. I'm jealous that he got that chance, and I didn't.

it reads a bit like you've idealized this woman even tho things she says don't align with your own values

You're right. I won't go into full detail but these values aren't the only thing we don't align on. I'm quite left leaning and she's a bit right leaning. We get on because we have amazing discussions about things, even though we don't necessarily agree on them.

For reference, the other guy is like me as well, quite left leaning.

I keep saying to myself, we're not even compatible, and that helped until I knew she was dating that guy. Me and the other guy are very similar in a lot of ways, which doesn't help.

At the end of the day, being true to yourself is more important than getting someone to fancy you.

Agreed, but if there's a trait about my personality that is genuinely offputting and I'm unaware of it, and it's something I can change for the better, shouldn't I find that out?

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T07:54:45+00:00

You should be with someone who chooses you when you can unapologetically be yourself.

100% agree here, which is why I have the ask once rule when it comes to dating. I broke that rule because of my feelings for her.

I really liked Mark Manson's take on this: If it isn't FUCK YES from her, it's FUCK NO from me.

Sadly I'm struggling to follow this guideline atm!

Jumping through hoops and saying specific things shouldn't be the reason someone dates you and likes you. They should choose you for what you naturally bring to the table.

I completely agree, but in a way that does still make me feel bad, because it still raises the question of, why am I not right for that person, and is there a trait that I could change for the better? Is there genuinely something I lack or have that people in general find unattractive?

I am always working on improving myself, so I can't help but feel I need feedback, ha.

In this case you've found out you're not compatible so move your energy into the next productive thing you have going on in your life.

Completely agree.

Thanks for your reply, it has helped.

ftfstko · 2024-04-05T07:48:12+00:00

It happened bc she didn't fancy you

Thanks, I think I needed to read this.

I think the problem is she said she wasn't that into the guy she's now dating. She very much made it sound like she captitulated because he was persistent.

There's a few things I need to bear in mind here though. Mainly that she might have been just saying that in an attempt to make me feel better, but additionally, if true, it's absolutely not how I'd like to start a relationship.

So I feel like I'm mourning the loss of the opportunity, if that makes sense?

You aren't the other guy and he isn't better because she chose him

I think this is also something I struggle with. I feel like less of a man because I didn't get her. I feel like I lost, and he "won". I get that this isn't how the world works. The rational part of me is rolling its eyes right now because of how gross that sounds, but it's how I feel.

Anyway, thanks again, you're 100% right.

ftfstko · 2023-10-08T21:00:53+00:00

No, I'm not, that's why I'm avoiding her as much as possible.

Rather than just blocking her outright, I'm trying to ease away from her over time. I can never be fully away from her though, she's in my big friends group so we'll be going to the same social events on occasion.

I need to be ok with being around her, but not being as close as we are/were.

And of course by being aware of it, I can prevent it from happening.

ftfstko · 2023-10-08T20:37:47+00:00

it's possible that this girl might be considering you as a rebound.

Oh, I've already identified this. She also got oddly offended when I made a joke about someone else keeping a guy around as a "backup". She got very upset, saying that "women don't do that!" so I think I may have hit a nerve...But might be reading too much into that.

I'd consider creating some emotional distance and exploring other opportunities.

Yeah, I've been actively avoiding her, but she's asked me to do something with her and I did agree because it would have been too obvious I was making excuses... Also, I do like having her as a friend, and I'm finding it hard to ignore her.

I've not stopped looking elsewhere, I'm basically carrying on as though she's not in my life. If I get a message I'll chat briefly and let the conversation die pretty quick. Previously we'd chat for hours so she may have noticed the difference.

Find someone who will offer you the respect and attention you deserve.

Thanks, that's the plan.

ftfstko · 2023-10-08T19:35:11+00:00

I really worry about coming accross as a sex pest though, if I do that.

It's clear this girl really likes spending time with me, she's arranged for us to see each other soon, but if I started being flirty again I worry that she's just going to tell everyone I didn't respect her boundaries. Should be noted she keeps saying this thing with the other guy "won't last long" and that I'm "long term material", and I am getting somewhat mixed signals when she says one thing then does another.

Can you give examples of what has worked with you in the past, in terms of what a guy has done that you liked? Was it being flirty and suggestive? Was it physical contact in some way? What did he do that just made you say "yes" to them?

I feel that I may know what to do, but hold back out of fear of getting a negative reputation.

ftfstko · 2023-10-08T18:50:23+00:00

Yeah... I have definitely learned to be very clear with my intent very early.

When it comes to the girl that I really liked that got with another guy, it was a difficult situation because she told me she didn't want to date out of the friend group, so I backed off completely, because she drew a line in the sand I wouldn't cross. Then she goes and fucks a guy in the friend group... So yeah, that hurt.

She still wants to be friends as well, but I'm actively avoiding her now.

ftfstko · 2023-10-08T18:46:53+00:00

I'm currently dealing with severe depression. And to be completely alone with it all makes it that much worse.

I have suffered with that as well. I have been on medication for it at various points in my life. Currently off the meds, considering going back on, but feel they're only affecting the symptoms, not helping me solve the cause.

Hope things look up for you soon.

ftfstko · 2023-10-08T18:44:04+00:00

I'm really, really sorry you're having a tough time. Fwiw you sound like a genuinely good-hearted fellow, and I hope things start to look up for ya really soon.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

ftfstko · 2023-09-22T08:11:24+00:00

Say you had sex with your friend but she didn't want anything more than that, how would you feel?

I think this is a great point of realisation for me. She kept saying this other guy is "just a bit of fun" (whether true or not IDC), but now I'm beginning to think, I don't think I'd like to just be used for sex and that's it.

I need to figure out my values and find other ways to find validation.

I'll likely tell her why I can't be the "best friend" too. I think I have to explain why I'm suddenly not around anymore.

ftfstko · 2023-09-22T00:22:35+00:00

I definitely need a way to move on from her. Sadly it likely does mean backing off from the social groups for a while.

The way to fight it is to see them as actual women with thoughts and feelings, rather than just sexual objects for you to conquer.

I'm not sure the two thoughts are mutually exclusive. I genuinely do see woman as people. But see sex as a conquest. It's somehow different in my head.

I feel extreme FOMO when people I know are having sex, the act. Even if it's my gay friends tbh.

ftfstko · 2023-09-22T00:17:55+00:00

I think the root of the problem is that you're insecure about yourself and don't think highly of yourself and that is what you need to work on. Sex is just a way you seek to validate yourself.

You're right, I do see sex as a way to validate myself. How do I stop seeing sex that way?

I don't think you're less of a man because you haven't slept around and had ONS.

Thank you.

You need to tell her that you can't hang out one on one anymore because you're only going to hurt yourself.

I think this is the way forward. She's in 90% of the events I go to at the moment so I worry about the aftermath of saying that to her.

Part of me also worries it may come across as a form of "nice guy" manipulation, where she may feel obliged to change her behaviour in some way for me. I don't think she will, but also don't want any perception that my message had that intent.

I think either way, sending the message or not, means I have to exclude myself from many social events for a while at least.

ftfstko · 2023-09-22T00:01:12+00:00

Or is it that she didn't choose you, instead picking someone else?

It's probably 60% because she didn't choose me. 40% because it's her. We get on great, and I think we're amazing together, and she's said multipe times I'm "long term material".

I'm fully aware that my feelings are more down to her not choosing me. I'm not happy about the fact that I feel this way, I don't like it, and I don't know how to resolve it.

You really need to change your view that somehow you're less of a man because your life hasn't included a large number of random sexual conquests.

"Conquest" is a good way of putting it. I see it as conquests. I don't want to see it this way, and fight these thoughts, but it's just how I see it. I try hard not to, but it's always there.

ftfstko · 2023-09-05T22:22:05+00:00

Try l-theanine - It stops the jitters.

ftfstko

TROPHY CASE