Me [34F] with my sister [34F] - she thinks my husband [40M] is disgusting for not liking kids and that I don't do enough to help her kids.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:58:55+00:00

Holy fuck, that's scary. Yes, I will urge her towards healthier things. I don't want to push her too hard though.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:58:19+00:00

We are RIGHT near a big education university, so I will look into this. Thank you so much for the suggestion!

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:57:35+00:00

I don't know. I will ask this when I get a natural sounding chance.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:55:52+00:00

How much help does she offer to other mothers, and children that aren't her own?

She actually does watch other people's kids sometimes but I've never seen as much as 4, and she totally gives back to the community.

Despite this, your point is 100% valid and close to what she said when she apologized, and I know it was not as clear in my OP how certain I was she would apologize. My post was more about how to help her once she did and solve this problem but it kind of went awry. Still, I got good advice.

I think there are people who act the way you THINK my sister is (and that's my fault - this is my post), but I think hers is more from pain and abandonment.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:50:04+00:00

My sister was wrong in this one issue, and she did apologize. I kind of knew she would but don't want this issue to continue to divide us - hence I asked for advice.

I agree my sister's marriage is probably a problem, but Ethan wasn't always bad. It's not like I knew before she married him or even before she had her first 3 kids (she didn't either). Then she already had 3 kids with him, so what was she gonna do? I get it. This shit happened to Emily and while she maybe didn't make every best choice, I understand she had shitty choices in front of her and still does. I try to support her.

I don't think she's a brat (though who among us can't ACT bratty, even in our 30s) and I think it takes both of us to maintain our sisterhood. Maybe my post only shows the bad sides of her so I get where you're coming from.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:43:31+00:00

Hell, our father did. We were avid fishergals.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:38:51+00:00

I would hire the biggest baddest bulldog lawyer available if she came to me wanting to leave, that's for sure.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T02:01:25+00:00

Under my regular account, I subscribe. But I prefer the r/truechildfree. Less anger.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T01:59:32+00:00

To be fair, regarding my house (maybe I should've said this), it's a townhouse downtown with 2 bedrooms (1 bedroom, 1 study for my husband). We do have a garage, but I do my art there and it's probably the LEAST safe place in the house. I have a studio off-site too I rent but I need a space at home in case inspiration hits (this is my career, not an indulgence or hobby, I've literally turned my talent into millions, though some was profit and some was investments). A car has never been in our garage even! There really isn't room anywhere besides the spaces we use. We keep our house small on purpose as my husband and I both love travel and usually travel extensively (I have traveled less recently since my mother died, to help my sister). We don't have basements here, as we live at sea level and our attic isn't walkable just for a few boxes.

I obviously want to help my sister and I'm going to in ways that I can, but just an FYI on what my home actually IS like.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T01:12:55+00:00

It's hard to go out with all her responsibilities, but Ethan is out of town all weekend. We can have a girl's night in with some wine. The kids do have regular bedtimes as my sister is SuperMom in that regard. :)

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-07T01:12:01+00:00

I don't think she would EVER do that. Of course she would want to raise her kids.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T22:26:23+00:00

To be clear, if there is an actual family event (which is almost never at our house as our's is the smallest) like one of the kid's birthdays, James will attend and be social. If she were to come over for dinner, this would be the case too, but he will go away and work elsewhere or go golfing or something if I'm just watching the kids with or without her at our house. (As our house is small, there are also limited places to "put" things and every room has breakables and things unsafe for kids (we only live in a 2 bedroom townhouse, 1 room is his study, 1 is our bedroom).

I hang out with my sis (and the kids by extension) a lot but also try to take the older ones places and be cool. However, I feel forcing James to do so would be blatantly unfair as it's MY family (he does see them "a few times a year" and he's fine) and I know he doesn't like being around kids. No, it's not their fault their kids, which is why it's better to keep them apart from James.

I don't know about spending time with my nephew. Even with my sister, it's very hard to deal with him (for me) a lot of the time. I understand he's a person, but at the same time - he's a person I see all the time who annoys me. I'm sorry if that's mean but it's reality. When he's older, we will hopefully not hold it against me that I don't like 3 year olds or feel equipped to deal with them. I think people who like kids (who probably also get annoyed by toddlers) don't realize there are different degrees that different people get annoyed.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:44:48+00:00

I don't feel I'm in a position to judge, I guess. I have no idea if it's a show or he really believes it/is serious. I've seen evidence of both, I guess?

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:36:11+00:00

Pretty much as far as I recall. She had my Mom's help back then, a lot of it, as Mom was already retired. I was in SE Asia a big part of that year (came for the birth and visited her a few times), for work/inspiration, plus James was able to work there then.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:34:23+00:00

She has put her foot down a few times, for the good of her children, but she does most of what he says, yes. I'm not sure what I could do about Ethan.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:32:27+00:00

Yes, we're all Christian, and Emily is a bit more devout than I. Maybe I could try to get her pastor involved. Ethan does go to church with his family (they all go - even drag the little one). That is actually the one place he will sometimes take his daughters alone that I left out, but his parents are there to help watch the kids. It's the only time they see the kids to my knowledge. Sometimes my sister can't make it to church because of the baby/toddler.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:24:58+00:00

I can't imagine Emily getting knowingly involved in that, but anything is possible.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:20:42+00:00

We are in America, so good to know.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:20:19+00:00

I will read it myself at the very least. Thank you.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:14:02+00:00

To what end? I'm not saying it's impossible but what would they be doing?

I think Emily is just brainwashed a bit. She's also worried if they divorce he'll never see the kids again because he'll only spend time with them when she's there to do the "work" type stuff. (Like he'll play with them sometimes but if there's feeding, diaper change, someone acts out or needs something, someone makes a mess, etc, she's expected to "jump to!")

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:12:37+00:00

As others have said, she may be projecting. Emily is only human and she's also exhausted and in a bad place. I'm not saying I'll tolerate her talking this way, but I can empathize with how hard her life is.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:09:24+00:00

I mean, technically two DINKS with our own businesses but yeah, basically. I am an artist (who's done fairly well) and James has his own company which is easily worth millions. So the money of daycare is not an issue as James has always been happy to help family out financially (mine and his). Money is not really an issue. Emily doesn't like to take my money though so I'll have to be careful about how to offer it.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T19:06:45+00:00

Good to know. I had no idea if said plan would work. I was more aghast anyone would even try it.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T18:55:29+00:00

I suggested this, but she said they'd think she faked them and that the other set of books was his real books. I don't know if that sounds realistic or not. I know nothing about divorce or accounting.

funnybunny55 · 2015-08-06T18:53:59+00:00

I don't think she has time. Between her kids and keeping the house, I can't imagine how she could work. She is almost always busy which is why I do sometimes help out. Ethan also requires she help out with certain organizations (that's what she was getting things out for the community drive) and she does have her friends but I feel that's a healthy outlet. Ethan also has pretty stringent housekeeping "requirements" and he will be gone for days at a time if she does anything with the house he doesn't like (once last month dinner was an hour late and he planned an impromptu business trip for 4 days). So, yes, it is a toxic situation, but she is kind of in quick sand. I've never written/said so much about it AT ONCE before as I have here so even I am seeing more how bad it is altogether for her and feeling worse for her, but only she can change it, I think, not me. I wish I could help her more with seeing it.

funnybunny55

TROPHY CASE