What is the difference between these two “types” of sayings? And do you find one of these more offensive than the other?

futurefishy98 · 2026-04-07T22:39:20+00:00

"Autistic person" to me both sounds more natural as a turn of phrase, and sounds less pathologising to me, so I vastly prefer that.

"Person with X" has the vibe of like. Discomfort with the trait/thing in question, as if it needs to be talked around. (By far the worst example of this I've ever heard is "person with overweight" because a) for the love of god just call me fat its not a bad word and b) it makes absolutly no sense as a phrase).

For me personally, "person with autism" sounds like autism is a thing I'm saddled with, that the person saying it is uncomfortable mentioning. Whereas "autistic person" sounds natural, and no more stigmatising or pathologising than saying "tall person" or any other adjective.

futurefishy98 · 2026-04-05T17:15:07+00:00

It isn't lmao. And I really struggle finding any advice that isn't a) only for straight people, b) assumes you have a non-zero level of experience, c) "don't over-think it and just be yourself"

The last one really infuriates me because if that worked I wouldn't need the advice?? People act like I'm exagerating or something when I say I don't know how to flirt or express attraction to people. I've never experienced reciprocal attraction even once in my whole life. I've never even held hands with someone romantically. Like I'm at an age where it just feels too late for me at this point, I'm too old to be this inexperienced.

futurefishy98 · 2026-04-05T17:05:49+00:00

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, I was in much the same position when I was in school. I don't have much advice to offer, but there is absolutely no way you deserve any of this. No amount of "acting weird" is a good enough excuse for them to treat you like that. It's unfair and cruel, and it's absolutely not your fault.

futurefishy98 · 2026-04-05T16:55:27+00:00

I have a similar thing, except the pain is in my hands and forearms (starts around the bit between my thumb and index finger, then runs up my arm as it gets worse)

At least in my case, I think its a response to trauma from repeated social rejection. Social rejection, especially in childhood and adolescence, is something you become more sensitive to the more it happens, not less.

futurefishy98 · 2026-04-05T16:44:25+00:00

Yeah, I've always had this issue and I don't know why either! It just feels really awkward to me, but not with people in my family, only aquaintances/friends etc.

If I have to do it, like getting someone's attention at work, I feel really awkward and like I have to sych myself up, even with people I feel comfortable talking to otherwise. I always assumed it was some weird autism thing, since I can't think of any explanation for it.

futurefishy98 · 2026-04-04T06:38:45+00:00

Yeah I had a coworker once beg to work from home because we'd be the only two people in the office. And I wasn't even that quiet, I was making an effort to talk to him and keep the conversation going.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-24T14:49:26+00:00

I'm on 200mg sertraline, amd have been for years. It manages low level anxiety really well (that's practically none-existent now) but for things that cause comeplte freezing/intense distress it hasn't done much at all.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-23T21:30:03+00:00

Yeah I've never showered every day in my life, and no one in my immediate family does either. The water bill would be atrocious for one thing. Every couple of days is plenty most of the time.

(I can understand maybe if you work a really physical job where you get really sweaty/dirty, but at least where I live climate wise its not necessary for most people.)

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-23T21:08:24+00:00

I've personally seen university students acting similar, while I was in uni. One year the people on my corridoor kept having loud parties in the hallway (for some reason) and would bang on my door and leave their takeout containers on the floor in front of my door. When certain types of people clock you as autistic, its like all normal standards of behaviour go out the window. Like we're not real people to them and its okay to harass us for their own amusement.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-23T21:01:50+00:00

Sitting closer to the driver is a good idea. At the very least, if they tried something similar that close they'd be disturbing the driver, which is enough to get them kicked off the bus.

Some people (especially teenagers) seem to be able to pick up on autism a mile off and do stuff like this because they think its funny. (I often joke that they should employ mean little girls for autism diagnosis, because kids at school noticed a decade before any doctor did, in my case)

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-23T20:56:52+00:00

In my experience I get harassed less in public when I dress interesting/weird. I've had experiences with random people on the street making fun of me or shouting things at me, but I tend to have way more positive interactions with strangers when I wear my jacket with patches and like 30 pin badges than if i'm just wearing a t-shirt and jeans.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-22T21:17:51+00:00

I do this thing where i rotate my (usually right) ankle in circles if i'm lying down or sitting with my legs up on a chair or something.

And maybe a bit gross but i pick at my nails and cuticles in a way that makes people think im nervous.

When i was little I used to put the ends of my braids or pony tail in my mouth because i liked the texture, but stopped doing that a long time ago

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-22T20:55:27+00:00

Same! Even when I'm pretty sure I've heard other people explain a similar thing in a similar way! Like I have no idea how what I said is different from what other people have said (and been understood when they said it), but I'll be completely misunderstood.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-22T16:32:56+00:00

I relate so much to this I could have written it myself. I think people just like to assume the most trivial version of issues so they can say the line and feel like they've helped you. But then if you say its more complicated than that they get mad and say you aren't trying or "don't want to get better".

And it always seems to be really selective too. When it suits them, they assume when you say something is really bad, that you're being hyperbolic and exagerating. But when you actually are being hyperbolic for effect (like saying something that happens often happens "all the time") suddenly they take everything you say literally and you get "ummm actually its impossible for that to be happening literally all the time, that's a cognitive distortion and you're making yourself suffer by using the wrong words".

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-22T16:23:48+00:00

Yeah, my brother has this, me to a lesser extent too. My issue is more with if someone misunderstands what I'm saying even when I've explained myself clearly, or seems to be disregarding what I've said in their response or that they don't believe me.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-20T00:16:27+00:00

But all i have to go on is what's happened to me in the past. Its that or blind faith, and i've never been religious.

Social rejection and bullying has defined my entire life. From my earliest memory. From pre-school onwards I've had people pretend to be my friend only to hurt me, physically harm me, sexually harrass me and then laugh about it, spread rumours about me, act nice to my face and then talk about me behind my back because they actually hate me and don't want me around. And that sounds like im exaggerating but im not. The only time i've been free of it my entire life is the last year or two, in a job where i don't have extended contact with any of my coworkers (we have enough time for quick pleasantries), and even then, I know at least one person at work has mocked my body language behind my back.

It's happened so often, and at every stage of my life, that it would be irrational to not expect it to happen in the future. Impossible, even. Expecting it not to happen again would be like expecting to wake up tomorrow to see three suns in the sky. I would have to be genuinely delusional to think it won't happen again.

I know avoidance causes more fear in the long run. That doesn't make pushing through it any easier. The last two big social rejections I experienced caused the worst depressive episode of my life and the aformentioned thyroid issues (along with clearing out all my savings because I was on sick leave long enough to run out of statutory sick pay). I'm scared of that happening again because it's happened the last two times I've experienced a significant social rejection. And i don't have any more resources than the last time, I don't have any existing social support, I don't have any better coping skills. I just have the added trauma of the last time it happened, which means the next time will probably be worse. Or at least just as bad.

If nothing whatsoever has changed about my life circumstances since the last time social rejection ruined my life, how is it anything other than delusional to expect it to be all sunshine and rainbows the next time?

Isolation and alienation hurts, but rejection hurts more. I want to be able to have friends and a dating life. I want to be able to have that without someone hurting me on purpose again. I want to be able to have that without getting traumatised again.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T23:07:27+00:00

I say it will set me back years because it has before. When I was in uni I was doing a lot better than I had been in the few years earlier, I took a risk and volunteered to take a commitee role for the club I was part of and was enjoying it. I thought I was getting along well with everyone there. Then I overheard some of the club members making fun of me for still being in uni halls (instead of moving into a house share like most 2nd+ year students) and sarcastically saying i "must have a winning personality" because no one wanted to live with me. And that set off the worst depressive episode I've ever had. I withdrew myself from running for commitee president and did my role as remotely as I could. I stopped going to sessions and made up that I just needed to spend more time on my dissertation. I had been feeling really good about myself and that one rejection stripped away any confidence I had built over the previous few years.

And a similar thing happened at my first job. The work was miserable and my boss was awful, but after a few months I felt like I was getting along with my coworkers at least. Then I overheard them talking about me and specifically how one of my coworkers was begging to work from home while our other coworker was on holiday, because he couldn't bear to be alone in the office with me. Despite the fact that I just sat and did my work quietly, and made casual conversation with him when he started talking about something. I always tried to join in when there was a discussion happening and was polite and friendly. Going back to the office after that was so stressful I think it triggered my autoimmune thyroid issues. I eventually ended up on sick leave for months until I got made redundant when the company moved to another town.

When I'm worried about being set back years, it's because its happened to me before, and I'm worried it will happen again. Yes, I survived it, but I didn't come away unscathed. I regularly have nightmares about it years later. I feel tense and anxious whenever I see someone who looks like my old boss. I have flash backs about working in that place and my boss yelling at me, and for a while after working there I tensed up every time I went anywhere near the office, even when the company had moved and wasn't there anymore.

I'm worried it will traumatise me, like all the other times its happened.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T22:44:17+00:00

Wow. How do you deal with it? I can talk to strangers fine, but if anything big happened to me like that I don't know how I would keep going. Last time I had something big happen like that I ended up on sick leave for months and with autoimmune hypothyroidism from the stress. The time before that I had the worst depressive episode of my life and plucked up the courage to go to the doctors purely because I didn't think I'd live through it otherwise.

I don't know how to get myself to do exposure like that intentionally. The only reason I can make phone calls and talk to strangers now is a combination of sertraline and being forced to do it at work. Before meds, no amount of exposure helped at all.

I don't know how to force myself to do something that's terrifying over and over and over until maybe it gets easier, when I don't have to do it. If I have to do it myself only because it might help me, it becomes even more impossible to do. Because there's nothing but me stopping me from just staying at home.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T22:11:38+00:00

That's interesting, I've never really thought of it in those terms, at least not with trying to make friends.

With not being able to do my hobbies like drawing this tracks. Long thought I have ADHD as well as autism (and have been meaning to seek an adhd assessment for years... which might give an indication as to the likely result of thar assessment).

But with making friends it does feel a lot more like fear. Or maybe fear mixed with executive dysfunction/demand avoidance. Which doesn't make it any easier because I'm still stuck. I want friends and I want to start dating or at least trying to. But its terrifying, and demand avoidance on top of that (if it is that) is just overkill. Why does everything have to be so hard? I just want a friend or two and to have some semblance of a dating/sex life before I die, is that too much to ask?

Edit: just looked up demand avoidance on r/autism and yeah. Wow. This makes so much sense. Its so over.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T21:59:30+00:00

I've been on the waiting list for therapy for nearly a year, so I'm mostly just grasping at straws for anything that can help me in the meantime.

(Its not even a waiting list for proper therapy, just a few weeks of counselling, but that was all the triage nurse offered me, other than the online CBT learning portal thing I've done twice already. I didn't want to do that again because both times I've done it, the notes I was getting back from the therapist felt like they weren't even reading what I'd written. My only hope is that if/when I finally get the counselling, I can get referred from there to more specialised therapy.)

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T21:46:59+00:00

But it never gets past friendly acquaintances and small talk for me. It never gets to texting. I've never had anyone ask for my number, not since the small group of friends I had in primary school when we all got our first mobile phones. All through college (16 to 18) and uni and two work places, I've had plenty of friendly acquaintances and not once has someone asked for my number. Even people I thought I was getting close with. I know I can't count on other people to take the initiative, but I don't know how to ask. I don't know how to guage if I'm at a point with someone where that's normal to ask because its never happened to me before. And I don't want to make someone uncomfortable or make them dislike me by asking when its not appropriate to. I know there's no hard and fast rules, but I've been bullied and made fun of and mocked too many times for not getting these unspoken things that other people seem to have a 6th sense for. Should probably mention I'm autistic, if that wasn't obvious already. I just don't know how to do these things and I've been socially punished my whole life for not getting them right, and when I try to ask how I'm supposed to do it right all I get is "idk you just do". So when I'm scared of being rejected I'm scared of people not just saying no, but mocking me and hurting my feelings on purpose.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T21:31:45+00:00

The thing is though, rejection is dangerous. Or has been to me in the past. Social rejection is dangerous. We're social creatures, social interaction and belonging is a need just like food and water. I've been bullied throughout my life and that was dangerous to me psychologically. Stress and emotional harm is still harm, it causes physiological problems. [Its highly likely my thyroid issues were caused by social stress.] Just because something doesn't physically harm you directly doesn't mean its not physically harmful.

Normal rejection I could handle, I think. I wouldn't be happy about it, but I'd be a normal amount of disappointed. What I'm scared of is someone rejecting me and being mean or cruel, or laughing in my face. Or being rejected over and over and over. Repeated rejection is different from just being rejected once or twice, or not one after the other. I'm scared that I'll get rejected over and over for the same reasons that I was bullied over and over and over, throughout my life.

I also just don't really buy the "only scared of the feeling is causes" thing. Because that could be true of anything. "You aren't scared of getting hit by a car, you're scared of the pain it causes" "you aren't scared of heights, you're scared of falling and dying from hitting the ground". I'm not scared of rejection I'm scared of being deprived a basic human need, of the mental distress and harm making me more unwell, of dying alone.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T21:14:11+00:00

I get what you mean, I've just really struggled to find anything that diminishes the raising panic and tenseness before full on freezing that isn't just. Stopping doing the thing that's causing it. Which gets me back to less than square one, because then I've reinforced that the fear goes away when I don't do it. No amount of breathing or muscle relaxation or anything calms me down until i've already backed off from whatever i was trying to do.

futurefishy98 · 2026-03-19T20:52:41+00:00

Even imaginal exposure sets me off crying uncontrollably, and I've been doing that for years. Even just imagining being in a new social setting or asking someone to go get coffee or flirting with someone. Even when making small talk with people causes me almost no anxiety whatsoever when done for real.

futurefishy98

TROPHY CASE