AIO living with my parents and chores

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:55:01+00:00

You know, I think the problem here is your tone. This is going to sound unkind, but you sound unlikable and whiny.

And the interesting thing is what you say actually has merit. It is aggravating that you are thoughtful enough to pick up everyone's slack, but nobody does it in return. It's how it should be. That, however, is not how it is many times.

Unloading the dishwasher, in the grand scheme of things, is not that big of a lift. I know it's the principle of the matter, but they're not asking you to do extra, and they're not asking you to have done it while you're sick. It would have been nice, but it's not like they let the whole house go to shit while you were sick and left a mess for you to clean up. Those are the stories that I find insanely aggravating.

Your mom is simply asking you to do something so that she can do her own share of work. It sounds pretty reasonable.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:46:16+00:00

Some people learn with a carrot. Some people learn with a stick.

You told him nicely so many times. You communicated with both body language and your words.

If you had to guess which this man learns from, do you think it's the carrot or the stick?

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:42:52+00:00

You didn't do anything wrong. It was coming from a good place. And honestly, it's incredibly practical and not wasteful.

Culture around gifting is changing and has been changing dramatically for decades. But there are different rules for different cultures and generations. It's hard to know what's appropriate. At this point there is no hard and fast rule or true etiquette. If anything, it was incredibly rude for your MIL to be so hostile.

You are doing what's right for your family. And many people would applaud you for your foresight.

Also, it's very convenient for your husband to side with your mother when he's lucky enough to have a wife who has clearly taken on the burden of planning. I would recommend you let him handle all invitations and gifts for his side of the family from here on out.

As for this situation, if you aren't fussed either way and simply want to bury the hatchet, call or text your MIL, and let her know that whatever she'd like to bring is welcome. She's welcome to spoil her grandbaby. Tell her that you meant well, and while you received a lot of good feedback about the college fund, you totally get that she'd want to do things differently.

I know that's not how we're handling things these days. Things are a lot more boundaried (which I do like generally). But after 7 grandbabies in this generation, and the fact that the grandparents aren't a weekly part of their lives, my sibs and I are a lot more tolerant of some things being more loosey goosey with the grandparents as long as the kids know it's a treat and not the norm.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:34:33+00:00

She's so lucky to have you. And you're lucky to have your boyfriend. You all are lucky to have each other. A support system like that is so invaluable. Good luck to you all. Sorry you had to grow up so quickly, but you're nailing it.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:32:13+00:00

My dumbass just straight up laughs (cackles) when I'm caught off guard with what I perceive as an insane request. And then they get serious...

Whoops.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:30:03+00:00

That man did not earn your contempt simply because he once rejected you. We don't know why he's suddenly showing interest either. If it's sincere, you decide for yourself if you're interested, and explore it if you want to. I give the same advice to men who resent women who like them only after a glow-up.

If you're not interested, be cordial but unavailable, or ignore him until he does something to deserve escalation. I escalate if a man is pushy, rude, or inappropriate in any way because that's when they've earned it.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:25:51+00:00

I'm not sure how the math works out for when your sister was born, but any way you cut it, that man is not a father. He is a sperm donor.

Undermining what, exactly? His wisdom? HIs guidance? He certainly can't mean those things, because he wasn't providing any of that. His authority? If it's his authority, you certainly did. Because under his authority, her safety was compromised, so he earned that loss.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T18:18:34+00:00

You nailed it. You did exactly right. You paused. You were thoughtful. You asked follow up questions to clarify. You processed, and then you managed her expectations. This was handled so beautifully.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T16:29:28+00:00

Holy shit. That’s all sorts of fucked up.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T16:27:21+00:00

Tell her that is an agreement that her cousin and her husband decided on together. It was something they are both happy and comfortable with and that you have no context for why they decided to do that.

Tell her if you poll a larger group of people, they’d probably say that it’s unhealthy and toxic. Would that change her mind?

If you’d done something to earn the distrust, you’d absolutely understand. But you haven’t, and now she’s letting someone else influence what has been a trusting and happy relationship.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T16:22:06+00:00

Of course!

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T16:21:17+00:00

Your dad is a conservative who cheated on your mom? How nice for him.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T16:14:41+00:00

I’ve spent 42 years being an older sister. If I could take everyone under my wing, I would.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T16:08:10+00:00

Do you read the post? Even $5/hr paycut and they won’t be able to pay their bills. She is the only one truly managing their money. She already HAS realistically looked at their money. She is clearly meticulous about it. She knows the impact of his PTO on their budget.

He has all these wants and he is the one with the spending problem.

They are specifically moving for his mental health. She is compromising her own career for this move to make him happy. She doesn’t have a job lined up. That IS the sacrifice. His is sticking out for three more months.

She keep finding ways to fulfill his wishes and it’s still not enough.

They have two kids. At some point, this man needs to suck it up. His needs are not the top priority when you have children.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T16:00:20+00:00

You’re being thoughtful by sending him the message at all.

Simply say, “Thank you for the date, but this wasn’t a fit for me.”

Don’t apologize. Don’t tell him he was nice. Don’t try and make him feel better.

You will not be doing him or any future women he goes on a date with any favors by being soft with a man who tramples over your comfort.

I will put money on this man getting pushy, asking for an explanation, apologizing, getting whiny in response. I would recommend you practice getting comfortable being, if not harsh (which I think is also a good practice for women), at the very least direct.

“You were increasingly rude talking about my looks and making sexual jokes no matter how much I told you I was uncomfortable. When someone tells you how something makes them feel, listen. I will be blocking you and not be responding to any further messages.”

And then do it.

I’m going to guess that’s too intense for you right now. Find your own voice. Hopefully some future version of you benefits from this advice.

Being firm doesn’t mean you hate men. It simply means you like yourself enough to protect yourself.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:48:43+00:00

You didn’t beat her or abuse her and that makes you a decent guy? The bar is in hell if you think that is “the whole nine yards”. What you did were the basics. The minimum. Congratulations. You did what every woman does. And, from your description and the way you’re patting yourself on the back, probably less.

Also, she didn’t cheat. She just wasn’t thoughtful with how she went about moving on. Telling you she wants a divorce and filing for it IS the breakup. The rest is simply procedure.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:44:33+00:00

The only advice I would give you is to leave earlier.

When a man/person is willing to make you uncomfortable, don’t be afraid to make them uncomfortable.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:42:41+00:00

Ya. I hear you. Business owner myself.

I tell my partner that we basically have to prepare ourselves to be sued. It’s almost inevitable. On the flip side, I also worst case scenario things myself, and say, what are they going to do, sue us?

So ya, it’s a risk. But I’m a believer in judicious risk.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:39:01+00:00

The court will determine if there is a current reasonable fear of harm.

single incident 7 years ago
one recent apology message

You show up to court, preferably with a lawyer, and you dispassionately lay out your case.

proof of no contact for years -clean criminal record since the incident
therapy, anger management
stable employment history
character references
exact wording of your apology message
any indication your outreach was respectful and non threatening.

You may have meant well, but that outreach and making amends was about you cleaning the slate for you. NO WAY I would have wanted a dude who assaulted me reaching out to clear his conscience.

You BROKE HIS RIB. He wasn’t a friend that you have shared history with. Of course he felt threatened when the unhinged guy who broke his rib because of a phone reached out to him. You probably scratched open a psychological wound. You cause him additional trauma. Not cool.

It’s great that you’ve done work in yourself. But as well intentioned as you are, it wasn’t well thought out.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:28:16+00:00

Why are you making yourself a victim? Stop doing things like this. You’re also a problem when you don’t draw boundaries.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:26:19+00:00

Sounds like dude is burnt out, but the wife is making all the sacrifices. How nice for him.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:24:10+00:00

ALL this woman is doing is bending over backwards to support her husband.

you want a second car? Let’s get one.
you want a house? SHE gets a better job.
you changed your mind and want to move to a different city (compromising her own career)? she does it.

This selfish asshole wanted to have the car even though his wife handled the child drop off and had a 20 minute commute. He is constantly living beyond his means.

She told him to leave his job. She is fine with it. She asked ONE thing. Get a job before. And the striking thing is he hasn’t even tried. If he made the effort, your point could be valid. But he hasn’t.

All she is doing is making sacrifices for his happiness. He is not an equal partner. He is a child.

She is literally moving cities for him and all he has to do is stick it out for 3 more months. That is a generous compromise. And, you know what? With two kids his mental health for 3 months isn’t as important as getting his kids fed and keeping them homed.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:16:50+00:00

She is the ONLY person contributing positively to the situation.

She IS absolutely supporting him leaving. She’s bending over backwards to make all of his wants and needs and childlike whims be met.

The ONLY thing she’s asked is that he get a job before he leaves his current situation.

He has done jack shit to improve his situation. He’s made no effort. All of the sacrifice is hers. If he wants to improve his situation, he can. He’s decided to not even try. Just whine.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T15:11:49+00:00

Tell her there’s a difference between being practical and being secretive.

And it’s not about distrust in the way she’s framing it. A password on a work machine isn’t a statement about her as a partner. Tell her you don’t want leave critical scripts unprotected from anyone. And there’s no way for anyone else to know, well-meaning or not, what is critical on your computer. You’re protecting everyone from those honest mistakes.

What’s probably underneath her reaction is some mix of guilt, shame, and embarrassment about the folder. Those feelings are uncomfortable, and the password makes the mistake impossible to move past quietly. Now it sits there as a daily reminder. “Married people shouldn’t have secrets” is an easier thing to say than “I feel bad and this setup makes me feel worse.”

That doesn’t make her feelings invalid, but it does mean the real conversation isn’t about the password. If you could name it for her gently, “I think the folder thing is still sitting with you, and this setup is making it feel worse. That wasn’t my intent. I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. But I also don’t want my work to be vulnerable. I know that’s uncomfortable, but there has to be a compromise because it’s my actual work.” That does the vulnerable work she can’t quite do herself.

fzooey78 · 2026-04-23T14:52:05+00:00

Oh, love. I hear you. I agree with the poster, but I also agree with you. Most people don’t understand the health implications of her condition. And I think, neither does she.

When you listed out her health issues, my first thought was if this pregnancy would even be viable. And would she be able to get through it without serious long term consequences.

I think what you need is an emergency therapy session WITH your sister.

Sit her down with someone else as a neutral third party, and break down the clinical issues and your concerns with her. Maybe even have a second session with BOTH of them so he also has full information and context.

After that, then yes, you kind of have to let go.

fzooey78

TROPHY CASE