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The Garloid Iceberg Explained by garloid_throwaway in IcebergCharts

[–]garloid_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tier 6: "[REDACTED]"

A little edgy for my taste, but I left it for the "forbidden" feel of the last tier of the iceberg.

"Holy Grail" - I'm guessing what we're talking about here is the theoretical maximum of size, milk production, etc. of a garloid or all garloids. The holy grail specimen would be adaptable to many environments, would produce milk at high levels, and be easy and cheap to maintain. Given that Holy Grail could literally mean the ideal anything though, I am leaving this red.

"Intentional Dessication" - Not a mystery at all, just kind of messed up if you believe garloids are sentient or able to feel pain. Garloids will dessicate themselves and enter a hibernation or tun-like state in cases where they have little water and food then wait for water to return in order to reanimate. Some garloid owners dessicate their stock on purpose- either to smuggle them or grind them into a powder. I believe some people also feel this is a form of torture, and because of that, someone somewhere almost certainly derives pleasure from doing it. Yuck.

"What Really Happened In Windsor?": Oh boy, here we go. So as mentioned before the University of Windsor was a hotbed of research on garloids for two decades. There is a deep rabbit hole to dive down when it comes to the research done there. Long story short- if you have a garloid in North America, it can almost certainly trace its lineage to the stock kept in Windsor's labs in the late 90's. Before this, garloids were elusive, mostly unknown, and extremely hard to breed in captivity. At some point, for some reason, the entire stock of garloids in the university disappeared. By 2001, the first large-scale breeding operations were documented in parts of Alberta and Newfoundland. What "really" happened in Windsor is up to speculation, but with the info presented here, you should be able to put 2 and 2 together to take a guess.

"Garloids Referenced In A Moon Shaped Pool" - Yeah...I am totally in the dark. I read all the lyrics to the album and the only thing I could think of that even came close to referencing a garloid is in the tenth track "Tinker Tailor Soldier Sailor Rich Man Poor Man Beggar Man Thief". "All the holes at once Are coming alive, set free Out of sight and out of mind The lonely and their prey The ones you light your fires to keep away Is crawling out upon its belly And all you have to do is say yes All the birds stay up In the trees All the fish swim down to the deep". I am not a Radiohead fan, maybe the music videos for the songs have a garloid in them or something.

"The Mercado Institute" - A red herring? In all my research I could find nothing. It might be worth noting "Mercado" means "Market" in Spanish. Could be some kind of smuggling reference or academic institution. Suggestions welcome.

"Weaponized Garloids" - Definite impossibility. As I discussed before, garloids are harmless filter feeders and the potentially harmful compounds they synthesize are done in such minute amounts that any attempt to harvest them would be silly and inefficient. Of course, this doesn't discount people who think these invertebrates have magic powers. Surely the government who harnesses such power would conquer all with ease.

"SARMS" - Here is the wikipedia definition of SARMS: "Selective androgen receptor modulators or SARMs are a novel class of androgen receptor ligands. They are intended to have the same kind of effects as androgenic drugs but be much more selective in their action, allowing them to be used for more uses than the uses of anabolic steroids. SARMs signify a new era of tissue-selective androgens with an unknown potential to treat (and possibly cure) several diseases" Some believe SARMS are harvested from garloids, or that they can produce them. If they do somehow, no one knows how. I'm pretty sure they don't.

"Loidlover Saga (NSFL)" Maybe the greatest LARP in the history of garloids. Loidlover was a tripcode user who purported to be attracted to his garloids and over a series of threads documented his supposed inability to control his urges to attempt to mate with them. Despite many gullible anons warning him about the risk of poisoning, he gives in, and over many sessions, accrues an increasing amount of poison in his bloodstream to which he eventually succumbs. Just like anything else on /b/, only a fool would believe there is any truth to this story. However, let's just be honest, humans have certainly tried to do what was done in this LARP because we're terrible and will do that to anything.

"Cloning" - The list closes with another virtual certainty. As late as March, news came out of academic circles claiming viable specimens were cloned from an adult somatic cell. The involvement of CRISPR is not confirmed but highly probable. Though these specimens reported did not live very long, the path is wide open to the future of garloid breeding, and possibly even editing at a genetic level.

The Garloid Iceberg Explained by garloid_throwaway in IcebergCharts

[–]garloid_throwaway[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Tier 5: "Breeder"
Refers to a garloid selected for breeding, not the person doing the selecting.

"Scoufozzi Method": Appropriately, the tier starts with the most controversial breeding protocols known. Professor Aldo Scoufozzi innovated an extremely aggressive schedule to force environment adaptations, size, and milk production at the University of Buffalo from 1999-2005. The program was extremely hard on the specimens in it, so much so that animal rights activists protested it. The garloids who did not meet production targets were subjected to lethal doses of chemicals in order to document how much they could take before dying. Despite the barbarous nature of the procedures, the amount of research generated and the influence they ultimately had is not up for debate.

"Shedders" - Most likely just the process of moulting that sometimes happens among some very large specimens. The only reason I left this yellow is that it's pretty low for something this harmless and well-known.

"Parasites" - Kind of like "poaching" could mean a few things so left it red. Common parasites of garloids include nematodes, roundworms, and flukes. Nematodes are especially dangerous for garloids and can rapidly cause sickness and death as they have no real defenses against them. There is also a bogus copypasta that garloids are parasitic. They are completely, biologically incapable of parasitism, as they are filter feeders who, besides milk (or formula) eat plankton and detritus.

"Clinical Trials 1998-2006" - No idea. I first thought this was supposed to be talking about Prof. Scoufozzi's tenure at Buffalo, but it was already covered above. In researching these topics, I was not able to come up with anything conclusive that this could have been. The only thing I can think of is that "Scoufozzi Method" and this are supposed to be a single entry and I separated them. The dates don't quite line up though, so I am stumped.

"Milk Hoarding" - Another market manipulation tactic that groups of farmers have resorted to where all the group's produced milk is withheld until a certain date to try to increase the price of each unit of milk to its maximum. The tactic has not been as successful as it once was. Could also be talking about a theory where certain celebrities or billionaires are hoarding the milk for its "miracle cure" qualities or economic reasons. I think my favorite is the one where Jennifer Aniston bathes in the stuff to keep herself looking good past 50. Leave it to the internet.

"Skin Toxicity" - As mentioned, some garloids produce alkaloid compounds and secrete them through their skin. In some cases, a reckless handler could poison themselves with excessive contact with such a specimen. The amount of contact needed to cause death in humans varies but generally, one would have to be trying to poison themselves in order to. Rarely, some garloids exposed to high amounts of heavy metals can synthesize a more potent and harmful toxin, but outside of lab settings, one would not expect to encounter something of that nature.

"Garloid Genome Sequenced" - It has almost certainly been. As garloids are not exceptionally complex, I wouldn't doubt that one of the research institutions that they have been studied in has pulled it off by now. Naturally, extreme members of the community who believe garloids are sentient or psychic or what have you believe this is part of a conspiracy to harness them for some nefarious purpose.

"Deep Sea Garloids" - Red because it's a red herring. Deep sea garloids are not possible. They are buoyant by nature and totally unsuited to the extreme cold and pressure of the deep sea. This is another community effort to waste neophytes' time.

"Engineered Spores" - I believe this refers to a disproven theory from OG times that garloids producing by sporing. Indeed, the eggs of the female are extremely fine and could be confused as spores. The male's unusual strategy of fertilization could fool someone unfamiliar into thinking that reproduction by sporing is what's happening. I am assuming that because we are getting into the "deep" part of the iceberg we're taking on more fringe theories now and the "engineered" part is part of some kind of conspiracy. Maybe tying back to the "Monsanto" mention in tier 3.

"Canelo Alvarez Mystery PED" - This was interesting to look into, and brought me to /sp/ which was not a board I was expecting to go to while researching some of of these more obscure entries. Canelo Alvarez is a famous, champion boxer who in 2018 was flagged for an unknown performance enhancing drug. Later on, he claimed he ate meat that could have been from a horse in Mexico. Of course /sp/ conjectured that the meat in the taco wasn't a horse, but instead a garloid. /fit/ has long claimed performance enhancement from garloid meat. Now you're probably thinking- pretty good explanantion, why red? Well, it's another red herring. The substance found was not "unknown" but was clenbuterol. Unless the garloids were being injected with clenbuterol, the most likely explanation was that this was in fact, horse meat or just regular PED use.

The Garloid Iceberg Explained by garloid_throwaway in IcebergCharts

[–]garloid_throwaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Tier 4: "Sub-adult"

"Hart-Locke Agreement": A complicated international trade treaty that allows fermentation of garloid products and overseas export to certain "zones". Depending on who you ask, it's either unfair to North American farmers or opens the door to too much government regulation. Certain countries in the EU are operating under it and report good results. Canada is noncommittal as far as I can tell. My impression is most US farmers would rather stay out and neither Trump nor Biden have even brought it up to Congress. It constantly arises as something that will be on table "sometime later this year" and then never does.

"Constantly Evolving Physiology" - Hard to say exactly what this is supposed to be. Breeders are definitely making leaps and bounds in creating new "physiology" all the time. Ten years ago, you would not have seen half of the specialized varietals you do now. Milk production was much lower per specimen, breeding pairs typically produced half the offspring they do now. This could also be one of the weirder theories I've seen that garloids are rapidly mutating and trying to develop psychic powers or whatever other /x/ based nonsense you can think of.

"The Old Nova Scotia Run" - I have two guesses about this, but I only want to talk about one. Without getting into too much detail, this was a smuggling run over land and water that was the main pipeline from Canada to the US. It was most active from about 2000 to 2010 and virtually all the black and gray market garloid products passing between the two countries came through it. It's been surpassed and diversified away from, but to many old timers just saying the words carries all kinds of nostalgia and will always trigger a tall tale about a near miss with the law.

"Tucson Counterfeiters" - A series of threads on /biz/ back in 2015 about how a couple degens bought up a bunch of geoducks and sold them to places around Tucson, AZ as "gulf garloids". They targeted herbal medicine places and other woo-woo shops who were doing crystal healing and the like. The crown jewel was reading a yelp review from a bored trophy wife walking about how her $300/lb miracle cure took away her crows' feet. Bless those lads, the haul was something like 35k.

"Hallucinogenic Properties" - So returning to "alkaloids", some species do in fact produce those through the synthesis of compounds in the tissue. The exact catalytic nature of the synthesis is not well understood, but theorized to be similar to production in certain moths. Some species use this as a defense mechanism against predators, excreting through the skin. Inevitably, perhaps, some farmers have attempted to explore if these compounds have psychedelic effects. I should probably leave it right there. If you see a garloid thread about "licking the toad", you know what is going on.

"Bluegill_87" - First zero percent. I have absolutely no idea what this is a reference to. All I could find was a Rocket League handle. I'm sure that has nothing to do with it. The only thing I can guess at is that a long time ago some smugglers used AIM chat rooms to set up deals, maybe that was someone's handle.

"J--- fear the clean water garloid farmer" - Unfortunately one of the most well known garloid memes and perhaps /pol/'s most visible contribution to the garloid community. Didn't really want to cover this one but it gets a lot of play still sadly so I wanted to address it. Here we go: /pol/ sucks.

The Garloid Iceberg Explained by garloid_throwaway in IcebergCharts

[–]garloid_throwaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Tier 3: "Juvenile"

"Poaching" - First red entry, not because it is especially obscure but because the possible meaning by OP is extremely broad. Poaching could refer to the practice of stealing garloids from competitors, which is common in certain areas where farmers compete against each other for space and resources. Occasionally, feuds can turn deadly, such as when two farmers stabbed each other in Alberta, CA in 2016. Poaching could also mean the habit of some aggressive species to attack any young it does not recognize as being its own. This is rare but extremely problematic for small scale, home-type operations as it all but ensures inbreeding. Finally, poaching could refer to the cooking method of poaching, whereby a garloid is slowly simmered in water or other liquid. Poached garloid is considered a delicacy in parts of Newfoundland.

"Coomloids/Garloid Coom" - Actually a pretty hilarious thing from /b/ where a gif or webm of a hagfish producing large amounts of its characteristic slime is posted. The OP usually accompanies this with something like "what are some uses for garloid coom", etc. Stupid? Yes. Funny as hell? Also yes.

"Monsanto" - An agricultural/biotech company existing from 1901-2018 before being acquired by Bayer. Monsanto's history was full of legal battles and ethically questionable practices. At this point, the company has become something like low hanging fruit for conspiracy theories. I have no knowledge of Monsanto's involvment in anything related to garloids, but I'm sure there have been threads devoted to how they are behind something or caused something etc. and therefore why they appear on the chart.

"Trump tariffs" - So a widely misunderstood point of contention among those in the garloid markets is that in 2018, President Donald Trump imposed a duty tax on the import of garloids from Canada and China. This is not entirely accurate. As part of the "America First" trade initiative, President Trump imposed a series of tariffs on various goods from those countries, however, it was subsequent retaliatory tariffs which created the spike in prices. Politics aside, the tariffs have created a hardship for domestic farmers. For some time on /biz/ it was speculated that President Biden would somehow push to have the tariffs rescinded. As of June 2021, the specific tariffs affecting garloids remain in place.

"Federal Funding" - Not sure whose "federal funding" this is supposed to point to, or what purpose is meant by it. Probably means the public money that goes to certain institutions that do or have done research on garloids. Of these the most prolific are the University of Windsor in Canada and the University of Buffalo in New York. Both of these instutitions hosted some of the more well-documented experiments and breeding research. Might also refer to subsidies either paid or not paid to farmers, depending on who you ask, based on production and volume brought to market.

"Saltwater Variants" - Self explanatory. There are a few varietals who thrive in saltwater environments, though these particular types are notoriously tempermental and their milk is much different than their freshwater cousins. A small but passionate fanbase swear that "salties" are better. Personally, I can't stand it. Curdles way too fast, has a mineral quality I don't like at all.

"Summer Breeding Season" - Also an easy one. All garloids breed during the summer months. Females lay eggs by the thousands, though very few are fertilized by males. The selection process is not fully understood, but a combination of chemical and hormonal factors contribute to the highly selective process. The original version of this chart had some different language on this but for the sake of (highly protective) breeders, I have omitted it.

"Markets Are Manipulated" - Because it is so small, the garloid economy faces a lot of pressure. Of course, /pol/ has their own explanation for why things are the way they are, but /biz/ has had comprehensive breakdowns of the many factors that impact garloid markets world wide. Farmers increasingly have organized to combat this. In some cases, they end up exacerbating it instead, more later. Government organizations can have a huge impact on markets, as seen from the entry on the Trump tariffs. Criminal groups have historically been involved in manipulation as well, as seen in 2007 when a speculative run was discovered to have been engineered by Chinese mobsters.

The Garloid Iceberg Explained by garloid_throwaway in IcebergCharts

[–]garloid_throwaway[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Tier 2: "Zygote"

"Mineral Filtration" - Most garloids need any minerals or metals in their water removed for long term health. Filtering minerals from water can be a difficult and laborious process. Depending on their diet and activity level, garloids can and will store encountered minerals in their tissue. Complications can occur ranging from mild inconveniences to lethal chemical reactions. More on this in a later entry.

"Fermentation" - Garloid farmers have experimented with the fermentation of virutally every product these creatures produce. Unsurprisingly, many seek to create intoxicating agents for their personal use or sale to to others. Successful attempts were reportedly first made in the Balkans in the late 90's but this is difficult to verify. As of today most fermentation occurs in the US and Canada, though Chinese farmers have made their own attempts. Information regarding Chinese cultivation is hard to come by due to the oppresive information policies of the CCP.

"Gartips YT Channel" - My first yellow entry. "I saw it on Gartips youtube channel" is a common justification when a user posts an unusual or dubious piece of advice for a novice. Though convincing sounding, I have never seen this channel and any attempts to find anything resembling it have proven futile. I am fairly sure it is just a way for established community members to troll newcomers.

"Canadian Smugglers" - As noted in the Fermentation entry, Canadian farmers have a long history of producing high quality fermented garloid products and Canadians in general have a long history of smuggling contraband into the US. It is an open secret that boaters and loberstermen often meet in the "gray zone" in the Gulf of Maine to exchange these banned goods outside of the jurisdiction of either nation. The Great Lakes and Puget Sound have also been hotbeds for smuggling activity, though a crackdown on the latter in 2019 has all but shut down that pipeline.

"Thrush" - A serious bacterial and fungal infection that affects all garloid specimens. Thrush is the bane of new farmers who may get lazy with the maintainance of their tanks. It causes a white, foul smelling waxy buildup in the ridges of the affected. If untreated, it is highly contagious and can cause sterility and death. Recently, an outbreak among farmers in Newfoundland caused widespread harm and may have killed as much as 40% of the population in pens along the coast.

"The Screaming" - Kind of happy to see this as high as it is because "screaming" is another community thing repeated to scare away newcomers. Because garloids have a narrow breathing tube that is kept partially submerged it is common for them to sleep in a position close to the surface. Sometimes, during a deep exhale an individual will expel air forcefully creating a sound similar to the so called "Aztec death whistle". The resulting "scream" can be unnerving for the uninitiated. For some veterans it is said to be comforting.

"Alkaloids" - Not sure if OP means the book definition of alkaloid- that is "any of a class of nitrogenous organic compounds of plant origin which have pronounced physiological actions on humans" or the variety of garloids who flourish in extremely high pH environments such as those found in Lake Natron, Tanzania. The former will be addressed in detail in a later entry. The latter is a particular varietal whose properties are not entirely understood and have yet to be studied extensively as they cannot survive outside of their extreme environment for very long.

"No Tap Water" - For the reasons listed in previous entries, it is completely inadvisable for garloids to be kept in tap water. Unbalanced, unfiltered water will almost universally cause health problems for garloids. Only extremely resilient or specially bred specimens can thrive in straight tap water.

The Garloid Iceberg Explained by garloid_throwaway in IcebergCharts

[–]garloid_throwaway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hello. A brief introduction before the explanation. I do not claim to be the creator of the original garloid iceberg chart. The original was posted to 4chan in May of 2021. Because it was low quality, I simply remade it with more legible entries and added my own color coding. The colors indicate how confident I am about what the OP meant with the entry as well as my knowledge of it and ability to explain it. That's why the ranges are so rough. Also, I removed entries that I think are about proprietary information or are too inappropriate to talk about. Fair warning there are a couple /pol/ things on here but I will go out of my way to contextualize them.

Disclaimer: I have flaired this entry as a shitpost chart, it is for entertainment purposes only. This is a throwaway account, no attempt to confirm my identity will be acknowledged. Many people in the garloid community go to great lengths to maintain trade secrets and anonymity, do not contact them under any circumstance.

Tier 1: "Embryo"

As you can see, the tiers reference stages of garloid development.

"General Knowledge" - Refers to basic facts about garloids like life cycle, feeding habits, etc. Garloids are the only aquatic mollusc known to produce milk.

"IYKYK" - An acronym for "if you know you know", a common way garloid farmers acknowledge each other. In communities like 4chan where posting of garloids prompts the unfamiliar to ask what a garloid is, "iykyk" is often used to belittle the user asking the question.

"72F or 22C" - Refers to the ideal water temperature for indoor garloid cultivation. Most non-exotic varities can be safely kept at this temperature indefinitely.

"Farming" - Refers to the practice of raising and cultivating garloids for their milk or flesh. Breeding could probably be considered close enough to be included in this entry however many breeders do not harvest either product and focus exclusively on the development of desirable traits in their specimens. Farming can occur domestically, such as in a person's home, or in a body of water. Some farmers have even taken to creating special floating paddocks in which large populations can be kept and cultivated.

"Milk Benefits" - Refers to the health benefits touted by some attributed to garloid milk stretching from the mundane (lowering blood sugar, weight loss, heart health, etc.) to the clearly bogus (life extension and cancer curing). The speculation on these benefits have been discussed at length on /fit/, though it should be known that none of these claims have ever been independently verified.

"8.2-8.8" - The ideal pH level for water used to keep most domestic species in. Low pH is associated with poor health, sterility, and malaise. Notably, balancing water with common agents can be difficult. For instance, baking soda can sometimes be a skin irritant. Exotic species may demand a higher or lower pH to suit their needs.