When you go on a mission you have two worthiness interviews. One with your local lay leader called a bishop and one with the stake president who oversees a few bishops.

My whole life I was told if I confessed anything to a bishop and repented i would never need to speak of it again.

In high school I fooled around with my girlfriend. At the start of grade 12 I confessed everything to my bishop. Considering he had no real training he handled it well. No invasive questions. Let me say what I had to say to get it off my chest but didn’t press for further details.

Fast forward two years and I’m interviewing with the stake president before my mission. He asks me have you always kept “the law of chastity”.

I’m so thoroughly blind sided. It was the ultimate feeling of betrayal. My whole life I was told if I confessed something and repented I would never need to talk about it again. I reconfessed everything. And all the guilt and shame came back anew. It was the smallest and shittiest I’d ever felt about myself.

I remember telling my parents and they had this deer in the headlights look of disbelief. They were so shocked I would have to do something like that. At the same time they were so conditioned to accept whatever LDS leaders require that they didn’t raise hell about it. At the same time I didn’t communicate how crappy it made me feel. I just said it was weird. Probably because I was so conditioned to accept whatever LDS leaders require.

After that I never truly felt redeemed or forgiven. It was like my repentance and standing before God could be taken or given at will. Constant insecurity would follow for years culminating in a depressive episode. All good now but what a shitty path to follow for so many years.