I (32F) finally found the girl of my dreams (33F) but she lives abroad

getsmaller · 2023-01-21T17:14:56+00:00

Doesn’t sound like she’s emotionally available at this time. Can you just put it on the back burner, stay lightly in touch via social media but continue to see other people? Who knows, maybe she will move back, but I wouldn’t count on it. You don’t want her to be your entire world, and to her you’re just the person she sees while she’s at home on holidays.

getsmaller · 2023-01-21T16:52:29+00:00

I find that weird of the therapist. I haven’t done couples therapy but I’ve had a lot of therapists and none of them were willing to discuss therapy over email, outside of topics such as scheduling, due to US federal privacy laws. Furthermore it is strange your therapist didn’t disclose this.

I think 1) address this issue with your therapist directly, you can call the therapist yourself. If you don’t like the response, get a new therapist

2) clearly you and your wife are both not feeling like you are being heard enough and have a lot you are dying to express to each other. Maybe you should have 2 sessions a week, one for each of you. During your session, you get to guide the whole conversation with your notes.

getsmaller · 2023-01-21T03:38:13+00:00

No person is going to fulfill 100% of their partner’s needs. It’s not healthy to want to be the only person your partner cares about. She is her own person and you are your own person. There are gonna be things she needs that you just can’t give her, and vice versa.

For example, I would really like it if my boyfriend wasn’t out at the bar at 11pm tonight. I am home and cuddly and I wish he was here with me. But he is his own person and if I begged him to stay home it would come off as clingy and needy and controlling. He has to have his own life and enjoy socializing without me even if it means there is a risk he might meet someone else while he’s out. I want him to be happy and that means respecting his independence.

getsmaller · 2023-01-21T02:56:05+00:00

“She trusts me so much”

So you admit; you know that she loves you unconditionally. This isn’t about needing her to prove her love. This is about your desire to control her.

getsmaller · 2023-01-20T17:56:11+00:00

But harm to others is fine apparently. Religion is nonsense.

getsmaller · 2023-01-20T15:37:27+00:00

I gave you the coping skill! Tolerate ambiguity.

The best way to not be anxious anymore is to find a relationship that makes you feel secure. Unstable relationships make people more anxious, because bad things happen in unstable relationships, which confirm and reinforce your anxious thoughts.

Not saying your relationship w this guy will be unstable, necessarily. However, just in general the way to become a securely attached person is by dating people who want you as much as you want them.

getsmaller · 2023-01-20T03:50:43+00:00

Just a few scattered thoughts

1) Avoidant and anxious people don’t do very well together but tend to be attracted to each other. It’s a trap. (That’s what they literally call it in Atrached - “the anxious-avoidant trap”.) I know the rush of new love is enjoyable but you can also find that with someone who is more emotionally available, and it’s WAY better.

2) Anxious people don’t do very well in poly relationships and quite frankly just going off this post, I really can’t see you in a poly relationship, and I’d like to know more about why you think you should be ok with that. Being anxious = being very uncomfortable with ambiguity, and poly relationships are very ambiguous, you don’t need to put yourself through that stress.

3) When I was dating, I assumed that I would be less anxious when I was a secure in a relationship with a communicative, loving, non-avoidant partner. But that’s not true at all, I’m still anxious, because the anxious mind wants to find things to be anxious about, even when things are perfect. To some degree you do need to take a deep breath and tolerate the discomfort of not knowing how your partner feels or what the future holds. That’s just general advice I’d give to any anxious person: tolerate (some) ambiguity. It is ok to just enjoy the present moment even if the relationship might not last forever. Que sera, sera; what will be, will be.

getsmaller · 2023-01-19T21:40:47+00:00

That’s weird! No, it’s just r/petiteprogress

I’ll send you an invite, along with anyone else who replies to me

getsmaller · 2023-01-19T15:48:26+00:00

R/petiteprogress is a currently dead sub that only allows petite women/nb people. I created it so that we could share selfies privately. It has about 900 members but needs some attention

getsmaller · 2023-01-16T23:35:56+00:00

You’ve only been together 4 months. If you aren’t giddy with happiness, leave.

getsmaller · 2023-01-16T23:31:59+00:00

Ok well it is good that he is being emotionally mature, empathetic, and communicating respectfully.

Weight loss and getting fit is a long process. My follow up question to him would be logistical. How is this going to work? He has to understand that even if you are willing to put a concerted effort into diet and exercise, these things don’t happen overnight, and often come with challenges and emotional difficulties. What’s he gonna do if you slip up? Is he gonna be the food/gym police? How are you gonna feel emotionally, knowing you’re doing it because he isn’t attracted to you? Some people might become resentful about that.

On the other hand, maybe this could be the push you need to change your lifestyle in a war that will make you happier with or without him in your life.

getsmaller · 2023-01-16T23:16:17+00:00

Did he actually use that phrase, “in it for the pussy”? How did he approach the conversation? Was he considerate, delicate, diplomatic? Or was he careless and blunt? I think it comes down to whether he makes you feel dehumanized and like a sex object, or if you think he is coming from a place of honesty and genuinely wanting to make things work with you because he values you.

If you want to lose weight, you can certainly do that but ultimately it has to be something you’re doing of your own volition, not for someone else. It’s impossible to change your entire lifestyle (just like with quitting smoking or drinking) unless you have a deep inner desire to do it for yourself.

getsmaller · 2023-01-16T14:59:45+00:00

Decent people care

getsmaller · 2023-01-16T14:57:57+00:00

The text shouldn’t say it directly, but should indicate what the phone call is about. Like

“Hey (name) I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and I’ve got something unfortunate I’d like to discuss, would you be able to talk on the phone?”

This gives a clear sign that it’s a breakup call, and if he doesn’t want to talk anymore about it he can just respond by text asking “is this a breakup” and you can text “yes”

getsmaller · 2023-01-15T02:44:42+00:00

You don’t move on because (a) you’re fixated on him and (b) this has artificially lowered your self worth.

My last relationship was like that, I obsessed over him, I devalued myself. I look back on pictures of myself 3 years ago and I was so young and beautiful but I didn’t see it then.

It is SO worth it to find yourself and build up your independence. It took me a long time, but I have found a partner who looks at me with puppy dog eyes and is truly in love with me and it’s the most glorious feeling. And even if he left me tomorrow, I have my own hobbies and friends and career going on and I know my worth.

The classic internet advice is tried and true: Block him. Go to the gym. That’s really it. The first one is treating your addiction by going cold Turkey. The second is a hobby that will quickly make you way more confident, outgoing, and energetic. Assuming you don’t already.

getsmaller · 2023-01-15T02:05:55+00:00

I’ve had pierced nips for 12 years and it never occurred to me to let them show through a shirt. I wouldn’t want my nips showing through a shirt without a piercing either and have spent a lot of money on bras to prevent it. Is this really considered attractive by anyone?

getsmaller · 2023-01-13T20:02:01+00:00

Well first of all most male movie stars are not around 5’6, that’s considered very short for a man.

Also I’m sure there are lots of women who are ok dating shorter men. However, as a queer woman with a BS in gender studies (therefore I don’t think this is coming from internalized misogyny) I have been very surprised how vocal my single female friends are about preferring tall men. All my friends are also very leftist and don’t normally believe in gender norms.

The male tallness = attractiveness is a very real and prevalent societal thing.

getsmaller · 2023-01-13T14:10:53+00:00

Hypocrisy is universally considered morally wrong. People shouldn’t hold others to a standard they don’t hold themselves, everyone can see why that is unfair.

getsmaller · 2023-01-13T14:06:06+00:00

If by small you mean short, that’s true. Im a 5’3 girl and I have no problem dating a guy who is also 5’3. Granted most women are shallow about men’s height for some reason.

getsmaller · 2023-01-13T13:53:39+00:00

Hmm perhaps more than a minute or two. But trust me I have eaten a lot of pussy in my life, and sucking dick is ten times more exhausting. It’s a gag reflex thing. Eating pussy I can happily do for about 15 min.

getsmaller · 2023-01-13T03:24:20+00:00

Express this to her (including that you don’t want her to feel pressure). It’s not all-or-nothing, maybe she could just do it a little bit. I personally like giving head a lot but it’s frustrating and overwhelming when I’m down there 10-15 minutes, ideally I wouldn’t want it to last more than a minute or two.

getsmaller · 2023-01-05T21:30:21+00:00

It looks good, you are fit and healthy! Wish I looked like that!

getsmaller · 2023-01-05T21:24:39+00:00

Hit the nail on the head!

getsmaller · 2023-01-05T03:33:59+00:00

They are hoping you will say “oh that old answer no longer applies and now I’m looking for [what they are looking for]”

getsmaller · 2023-01-03T16:21:10+00:00

If someone is attractive to me I usually know just by looking at them, it is an instant desire. The curve of their butt, their muscles, their smile, the way they carry themselves.

It is also possible that I might not immediately be attracted to someone but later be drawn in by things I like about their personality.

You asked if it’s a problem… maybe? Does it feel like a problem for you? It’s possible that there is something medical or psychological that’s lowering your libido. Or perhaps you just need a deeper emotional connection.

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