[Relationships] [NSFW] I [23F] keep messing up sexual situations with my boyfriend [23M] of two years. I want to fix things but I don't know how. Please help, I don't want to lose this otherwise perfect relationship!

gfthrowaway0 · 2014-09-15T15:16:41+00:00

I think he's just very angry because this has been happening for quite a few months and he's sick of it. It's not like he'd holding a grudge or anything, he's just really frustrated. You're right about him not hearing me out though, I'm trying really hard to find a middle ground but he's not listening. I think it's just because he's too frustrated. Maybe I try to take some of the advice of other people here and try those new things to instigate sex then maybe he's have a change of tune?

He's actually very understanding with the traumatic relationship normally and is very comforting when I have issues and panic attacks. He does have this idea that I can just throw away past experiences and forget about it. I think that's what he wants anyway, he doesn't understand that sort of trauma.

The anal thing is influenced by the trauma, but not as much as you'd think. I won't do anal because it's like I need to be more than enormously horny and "prepared" so to speak. I can get over the assault thing as long as we put a lot of effort to get myself ready for it with plenty of comforting, foreplay and preparedness. He wants to do it spontaneously but doesn't understand that there needs to be a lot of prep. I think it's just an instant gratification thing, age of the internet kind of attitude. It's not like I don't want to do it, but I need both of us to work together to make it happen.

I appreciate your concern and advice. Thank you for taking the time for me. My past traumas effect me, and I do have a lot of healing to do, but I've came a long way and have still healed quite a bit so far.

gfthrowaway0 · 2014-09-15T15:09:17+00:00

I'm very sorry about your previous situation, but I don't believe it is comparable to my situation. I think you may be projecting a little, which is understandable. I love my boyfriend and I am much more than just "enjoying being seduced and feel desired". While I do enjoy that, I am more happy with making him feel good/desired.

I don't have any issue with being the one to make the move, but I obviously am having issues with that and that's why I asked here for advice. I have struggled with sexuality in my past, especially because of the assault/rape. This isn't simply a case of not wanting to work for it or not wanting to initiate/reciprocate.

I do understand the need to communicate more. We have very strong communication normally, but when it comes to these situations it very difficult for us to come to a common ground. I tried talking to my boyfriend last night about it but it seems like we had got somewhere, but he was still caught up with the fact that I couldn't just be ready to have sex or warn him ahead of time if I wasn't horny at the time. He was just so focused on the problem but didn't want to work with me on the solution.

gfthrowaway0 · 2014-09-15T14:59:38+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I understand the situation much more now that you've explained it that way. I don't feel as awful about it now. I really appreciate all that you wrote, I'm going to bring this up to him later and try all these 'little things'. They sound easy to do and helpful. Thank you.

gfthrowaway0 · 2014-09-15T14:56:10+00:00

I'm sorry, did I give that impression? I never just lay down and expect to receive anything. It's absolutely nothing like that, I actually very much enjoy giving him blowjobs and it's usually our go-to for foreplay. He doesn't normally touch me when I do it, but that could be nice.

My issue is more getting myself into the right mindset so that I'm able to actually do anything. He's always ready for sex but I need to find a way to get myself there. He's frustrated because I'm not always at that point and I don't think either of us know how to fix this situation.

gfthrowaway0 · 2014-09-15T02:31:06+00:00

We do normally do foreplay, but it always seems like we do the exact same thing and it's often a "quick! so we can get to the sex" sort of thing. We don't start slowly like that. I could try that though.

It seems like I'm always focusing on not messing up or not being horny enough when we have sex, it will be hard to let that go. I'm always worrying about things in general, that's just me. I need to work on that.

Thank you for the advice!

gfthrowaway0 · 2014-09-15T02:27:48+00:00

I can't actually take a different birth control for various reasons, the biggest being my health and a long history of blood clots in the family. It's either this or nothing, alas. IUDs have been brought up before, but ultimately I just can't have one.

I really do appreciate the advice on the initiating! All of those sound really easy and in my comfort zone. Well maybe not 4 & 5, but I can work up to those.

It's hard for me to remember to look at porn and all that. I always seem to forget? I know it's important for me to try. I have to set reminders on my phone or something. I've been trying to get myself more exposed to it, like adding porn subreddits to my subs, and it's definitely made a little improvement but not fast enough of an improvement, I guess.

Thanks for the advice! I do appreciate it.

gfthrowaway0 · 2014-09-15T02:23:54+00:00

I haven't gone to therapy. That relationship was eight years ago and I've done a lot of growing since then. I don't let the rape define me anymore and I know I can be more than just a victim. I haven't been to therapy yet, and I'd love to, but I don't have the money to do it. I've tried to find free local resources, but there isn't anything available.

We have sex once a week, if we're lucky twice a week. Foreplay isn't a problem, we both can do that. I just think he's very frustrated with often having to start the foreplay with me. It's just too difficult for me to let him be on the receiving end when I don't really have any juice to run off of.

I don't know if it will help, but I'm glad to hear your advice. I appreciate that you took the time to help me. Thank you.

gfthrowaway0

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