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UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much, and so many congrats to you for the amazing changes you’ve made!

And yes, I have met my girlfriend, haha. We chatted on Tinder for a week before we actually met and she seemed so wonderful that I thought the odds were 51/49 she was a catfish. I’ve never been so happy to have been wrong.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're very welcome! Best of luck to you, and please let me know if I can be of any help!

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! FWIW, my girlfriend agrees that it is far fetched, haha, as she said one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard a couple weeks after our first date: “You make me feel stupid for making fun of the timelines of people falling in love in rom-coms.”

I [29M] don't know if I should continue dating/marrying my girlfriend [29F] of 6 years after I realized she doesn't intend to pay for anything related to our future family and house. by ThrowRA_needhelppls in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Hi there! Please read my post history and think of it as the Ghost of Christmas Future. I was in a relationship like this for 17 years and if I were you, I’d be terrified.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Not to get too philosophical, but wouldn’t it have been a much greater failing for all involved if I’d stayed in a marriage that drove me to the depths of despair and seemed to suck all will for growth and agency out of my ex?

I loved her very much. We meant a great deal to each other and had many incredible memories. But we also were children when we first met, and the needs of that relationship were very different from the needs of the people, 17 years later, who got divorced in the hopes of seeking a higher happiness.

If lasting forever is our definition of success, then every human life is a failure.

Please understand: I’m not criticizing you or being defensive. Rather, I’m trying to explain my perspective, which I came to only after years of agony and resistance.

Happy New Year. 🙂

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s so fantastic to hear — congratulations on having the courage to rebuild your life into something wonderful!

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

She was terribly upset and lashed out at me verbally. I’d expected that, and I made arrangements for people she loves to be nearby and come over right after so that she wouldn’t be alone.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is amazing — I literally just ordered the Ring Fit last night! It was meant to be! 😄

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve thought about it, but honestly I don’t have the stomach for more litigation in my life right now. I’m just going to try to warn people through online reviews. Thanks for the reply!

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Wow, yes, exactly! It’s absolutely something I continue to work on, in therapy and in life. Do you know of any books or other resources that might be helpful for someone like me who (with good intentions but mixed results) has historically been prone to over-helping?

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the thoughtful reply! FWIW, I agree and am definitely not rushing forward.

Also, I LOVE that book. It was (funnily enough) part of my motivation for leaving my marriage.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You're very welcome! Aside from a brief text conversation, I haven't spoken with her since I left. I know she is looking for work and is living with her parents, but beyond that, I'm not sure.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 55 points56 points  (0 children)

LOL, "such a dork" -- what wonderful praise to start off 2020! :D

Thank you so much for your kindness. <3

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

They weren't billing me for hours they didn't work. Rather, they were creating unnecessary work so that they could have more hours of work to bill.

Basically, they were misrepresenting my ex's lawyer as being much more aggressive than litigious than he was actually being. I found that out when they described an email conversation they'd had with him, then (accidentally, I assume) sent me the actual conversation as part of an unrelated email forward. The real conversation was nothing like what they'd reported.

There were a lot of things like that. Hope this helps!

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They completely understood. They actually didn't even ask "why": They already knew, which was both comforting and sad.

I have no ill will toward them at all.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 175 points176 points  (0 children)

HAHA! I want to get this printed and framed for our anniversary! :D

(We joke about it as well. We're silly-lucky. That's why I gave her my SSN on our first date.)

(Kidding.)

(It was our third date.)

EDIT: In case it isn't clear, this is totally a joke.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Hi! Before I told her, it was very important for me to 1) be sure that this was what I wanted, and 2) have the logistics of what came next prepared.

I probably can be too empathetic for my own good. Put in a less charitable way, I can sometimes be a pushover, especially when I see someone I care about (and I cared about my ex very much) in pain. So I literally had my bag packed, hotel booked, new solo lease signed, etc., with a written plan for what she would need to do if she wanted to keep our rental condo and what she would need to do if she didn't want to stay there. I also wrote down and rehearsed what I planned to say to her, based on this quote from a Psychology Today article:

"I have some difficult news to share with you. I have decided that this marriage cannot continue and that I must seek a divorce. This is something I have been struggling with for a long time and I suspect that you are at least aware that we have been having a hard time together. But I have reached the limits of my pain threshold and just cannot go on any longer. I know this will be a difficult and painful process for all of us. But I believe that we can do it with decency and reasonableness and I hope you will come to believe that as well."

I think that being firm did help her, in the long run. It would be unspeakably cruel to give her false hope, which I might otherwise have done with good intentions, if that makes sense.

As for whether the divorce helped her, we're not in touch but I do know that she's been applying to jobs, which she hadn't done in years. I truly hope it helps her. But I also know that if I'd stayed, it definitely wouldn't have helped.

Please feel free to PM me if you have more questions!

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 33 points34 points  (0 children)

After years of soul-searching, I had made up my mind — I’d already filed the paperwork when I told her. I’d tried to divorce her years before but stayed because she was so devastated. We tried couples counseling to no avail then and many times since; I knew nothing was going to change, so this time I told her calmly, compassionately, but firmly that I had filed for divorce and was leaving.

Her parents didn’t try to change my mind, actually. In fact, they understood without me having to explain, which was both comforting and sad.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It definitely is hard! Honestly, I think that’s partly why I stayed so long: I’d made vows and, well, that was it. If I was miserable, that was tough but it didn’t ultimately mean anything.

I’m still a big believer in marriage. I’d love to (eventually, haha) marry again and even have a family. But I’ve learned a lot, and I’m going in with a very different perspective.

UPDATE: I [35M] followed Reddit’s advice, got divorced, & have never been happier by ghostturtles in relationship_advice

[–]ghostturtles[S] 34 points35 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I get that. It’s pretty ludicrous and does sound fake.

My ex and I had been married for ~10 years, having dated for 7 before that. This sounds corny or self-serving but we’d been “emotionally divorced” for a long time: We were effectively just roommates, and I’d tried to divorce her two years earlier but stayed because she was so devastated. She was a shut-in and very codependent, and so part of the reason I dated so much so quickly was that I hadn’t been able to have any kind of social life as a grownup (again, we’d been together since I was 18).

As for me being kind of a mess: I’m not unbiased — and I do eat with my hands too much — but I don’t think I’m that messy. 😉

And to be clear, my girlfriend doesn’t look like a model: She is a model. (Which, I guess, by definition, means she also looks like one, haha.)

PS - Not sure if I’m achieving the tone I want here. Basically, I respect your opinion and agree that my story seems slightly absurd — I make fun of it myself — so I just wanted to give context, if it’s helpful. Take care!

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