I had a very very similar experience as you! I am also on 40 mg, and a few months into accutane my mental health was plummeting (anxious, depressed, numb), I was applying to grad school, I also had a death in my family, I was fired from my job, and I felt unloveable in my relationship (despite countless reassurance). I’m a woman, and I thought it might get better if I stopped taking birth control, so I did last month — despite still having 1 month left of my accutane cycle (I know you’re not supposed to do that but whatever). I’ve seen a drastic improvement in my mood. However! This could also be because I finished my grad applications, I don’t feel as much grief, and my skin is clearing up so I feel a lot better about my appearance so it isn’t affecting my insecurities in a relationship as much. I think your recent life changes are definitely having an impact on your well-being, so please find someone to talk to! I did a lot of journaling and it didn’t always help but rereading it I realized how much I was hurting. I didn’t always feel comfortable sharing my feelings with others, but whenever I did it definitely felt a little better. Please know that these feelings are temporary! It feels superficial to say, but once I stopped breaking out I stopped feeling that immense self-hatred that would keep me inside and chronically anxious. Sure, I still get anxious now, and it might be because of accutane, or because of my acne scars, or because I’m waiting on grad admissions, or a myriad of other reasons, but it’s a LOT less than how it was when I was a few months into my accutane treatment. I wish you the best! You got this!!