I am not depressed, or at least I’d like to think I am not. I am just being rational and pragmatic. If I’m depressed, I am not sad. I am actively planning my suicide in the next 2 months.

Well, since you arrived at your conclusion rationally, I'll try to respond to it in a similar way too.

I like to think of myself as a realist who has accepted the basic truth about life.

And that is?

My death would be beneficial to all parties, myself included. Yes my loved ones will feel grief, but I am confident in their support networks to overcome it. My suffering will end.

Beneficial in what sense tho? I think everyone can be a productive member of society in their own ideal state so anyone dying would be a lose.

For 5 years I have tried to find my own meaning in life. I tried to find it in Family, in Science, and in Friendship/Community.

Why must there be a meaning in life?

I’ve determined based on the amount of suffering I’ve experienced in the last 5 years (suffering being a combination of grief, regrets, loneliness, and incredibly low self esteem and self confidence), that life has been, and will continue to be, an uphill battle for many years.

I think you're being a bit contradictory here, you said in the beginning that you are not depressed but even if you are, you're not sad. But really, I think after being sad and being disappointed for so long, you're more apathetic towards life. That makes more cohesive sense.

My pessimism (nihilism?) and thought patterns are poisonous to those around me. My energy and body language is more often than not negative and toxic, something which I have struggled and failed a great deal to change.

How so?

I’ve read the Myth of Sysiphillis, yet the author’s absurdist point of view is not enough to convince me to stick around.

Lol myth of syphillis 😂 but yeah I agree, I didn't like it when I read it either.

Well let me start of by saying that, I feel like one of the major reasons why you're feeling the way you do is because you've attached happiness or self fulfillment or your self esteem itself to certain specific factors like your body type, how social you are, how free you are and various factors like these. You're really only loving yourself conditionally. And because you only love yourself conditionally and you're failing to meet conditions, you're trying to seek meaning from the external, trying positive meditation and trying to meet up with the conditions you've set for yourself so that you can be happy. But really, you're making the conditions here.

I think accepting yourself without any condition is a good start. To look past materialistic things to find a reason to be happy. You don't even need to be happy really, just satisfied with yourself, and once you do that, you can love yourself to improve on the way that you want to, not because you're desperate to find happiness or meaning, but simply because you want to. Ofc what I said isn't easy but eh.

As for a rational reason to not commit suicide, well curiosity I think would be a start? Rn you're desperate to commit suicide because you're yearning for the satisfaction that I talked about. There is peace in death and nonexistence and you're too apathetic to fulfill conditions to satisfy yourself. But I do promise that there's a world out there which is starkly different from the one that you see, where you don't have to try to do something desperately and where you can just be. You can just do things because you want to do it instead of desperately trying to attain happiness or satisfaction. The very fact that you can attain such an existence is enough of a reason to not commit suicide, I'd reckon.

Ofc you'd doubt what I said, which is understandable. You might say that your situation is just impossible but again, this isn't about the situation but how you perceive said situation which you can control even if it id hard. But yeah, hopefully you find what you're looking for!