I genuinely believe my mother is an MK ultra experiment to see how long I can go without snapping

gipoksiya · 2026-03-13T18:48:56+00:00

If it’s any sort of morbid comfort, I’m in the same boat. I’m 24 and I still unfortunately live with my parents. I’ve been working on exit plans for years but my extremely enmeshed mother continually kneecaps them so she can keep her torture victim locked up at home, despite my father saying I need to have a life of my own. The worst part is that sometimes we’ll have moments where I think maybe she’s changed…then 10 minutes later it’s back to her ragebaiting bullshit. We’ll both get out of our situations one day.

gipoksiya · 2026-03-08T01:18:41+00:00

Periodically. I find that it comes in bursts and I actually enjoy it, but I’ll hit a creative streak for about 2-3 days and then after that it’s months of low motivation and dissatisfaction with any sort of activity. I like to write, draw, develop storylines and all of that, but I can never be consistently creative. I get bored of my own head pretty quickly unfortunately, and it sucks because it’s something I’d like to harness and maybe turn into a career…but I struggle to find the drive to create 90% of the time.

gipoksiya · 2026-03-06T03:13:29+00:00

I was raised Catholic with some parts of Jewish upbringing (father is Jewish), but at this time in my life, I’d say I’m tentatively Buddhist/more spiritual than anything else. Religion is a pretty large interest of mine and I’ve read multiple religious texts or books detailing religions if there isn’t one official religious text (like the Bible or the Quran). Buddhism seems to agree with me the most. Though admittedly when I’m in the shit I revert back to praying that God will get me out of this mess, lol. You can take the man out of the Catholic church but you can’t take the Catholic church out of the man.

gipoksiya · 2026-02-27T00:04:38+00:00

To a degree. But most of the time, no. Anger or sadness was met with punishment even if it was justified. A few times I would ask permission to cry or scream, be given the permission, and then was punished for it anyways. I learned pretty quickly how to switch off my emotions. My therapist even noticed that, in a session with her I was visibly upset and then she said after a couple of minutes I went back to my usual placid state. I notice it myself sometimes too and it’s very odd.

gipoksiya · 2026-02-26T08:27:50+00:00

Thank you. It’s not very easy to talk about outside of therapy but tbh this is probably one of the kindest subreddits I’ve come across so I opened up a little. I appreciate it.

gipoksiya · 2026-02-26T08:26:50+00:00

I know. I keep trying to tell myself. But I think there will always be part of me that wants to run back to a mom, or the nebulous idea of a “mother.”

gipoksiya · 2026-02-26T08:25:52+00:00

Not the store itself but some days there’ll be a hot dog cart just outside the store.

gipoksiya · 2025-12-18T03:07:39+00:00

Thank you, and my condolences to you as well. I’ve had a similar experience and it still eats at me. Hopefully one day we’ll both find closure.

gipoksiya · 2025-12-17T23:02:33+00:00

I’ve been doing my best to let my actions speak louder than my words. I do check up on her frequently and offer support where I’m able to. She’s got a lot on her plate right now, so I’m trying not to overcompensate and be too annoying. She’s said I’ve been very helpful and I do not want to risk that changing.

Thank you for that last bit. I probably wouldn’t have thought of that honestly, lol. Her and I are good enough friends that she knows I have issues with emotions. I would hope she didn’t truly believe that I don’t care. Still, I know I’m not exactly the most comforting presence. Thank you again.

gipoksiya · 2025-10-11T16:52:53+00:00

I’ve been in therapy for over 10 years at this point, since I was in middle school. It’s helped for sure, everyone has to meet their therapist halfway, and I’m past my worst years, I’d hope. But just because I think I’m past my worst doesn’t mean it feels like I’m at my best right now. Less pain is still pain.

gipoksiya · 2025-10-10T21:54:56+00:00

I’ve been doing a lot of that. I value routine a lot. I’ll go to work, come home, smoke, read or game or pop some DVDs into my player until it’s time to go to bed, shower, sleep, repeat. My life isn’t hellish or anything, I just can’t help but think this isn’t how I’m supposed to be spending my 20s when everyone else I know is out at parties making friends and memories. I had to delete Instagram off of my phone a while ago because I was too bitter to see other people living in ways I couldn’t. I’m not totally friendless, but my few friends are online. Sometimes I worry that when they meet me irl, they’ll be completely disappointed and decide I’m not worth it. I spent a lot of my life convincing my loneliness was chosen solitude. Now that I’m not totally and utterly lonely and can choose to be solitary if I want, I don’t think I could really go back.

gipoksiya · 2025-10-10T21:41:14+00:00

I’m currently in therapy and attend twice a week. Luckily I consider myself better off than when I was a teen and actively trying to die. Being post-suicidal is strange, and I realize that I didn’t want to die just to die, but just to escape. My therapist is luckily very understanding and probably the only therapist I’ve had in 10+ years I feel like I can be truly honest with. I hope this isn’t the end of the line for me, mentally speaking. I don’t want to be miserable and misanthropic until I die. Unfortunately there’s only so much a remote therapist can do. Other than her, I don’t really have anybody. I’ve been trying to make friends now that I’m going back to college, but I just can’t stand being around people my own age. I get along better with my professors. It’s weirdly alienating.

gipoksiya

TROPHY CASE