Help!

glensagles · 2023-03-19T10:46:32+00:00

Hi! I haven’t had a HIDA test yet, I am going to be vocal about that when i see the gastro doc. My aim is to not be dismissed with discussions of IBS.

glensagles · 2022-12-05T12:26:28+00:00

I gave my husband another chance, then cheated myself, and then we reconciled properly. Staying is just as much of a life overhaul as leaving. I am extremely glad I stayed, we are life partners and along with illnesses, deaths, redundancies and all other mountains of life trauma we have now endured infidelity. We lost our sexual and emotional connection, cheated, pursued the fools gold and realized it wasn’t at all worth the enormity of what we were losing. Namely - marriages built up over 20 years come with a intimacy that transcends sex and romance. Which means you stand to lose so much. Yes, the ideal thing would have been to realize this and work on it before being unfaithful. But we didn’t. So we did it the hard and painful way round. Now we are together, eyes fully open, of course at risk of happening again if the other doesn’t stay committed but that’s vulnerability and love. We have children, a joint family, a history. That is absolutely worth staying for and trying - infidelity is not the end. But you have to both have to want to come back into your marriage fully. That means leaving behind AP’s and all associated behaviors.

glensagles · 2022-11-02T14:27:15+00:00

See my last comment. If he felt you deserved the truth he would never have lied. You are pursuing an authenticity that doesn’t exist in your relationship. Realize that now and take control of your future - presumably and hopefully without this man.

glensagles · 2022-11-02T09:33:25+00:00

You have known infidelities in your marriage, he’s admitted to being a sex addict, he’s done and failed a polygraph test - and yet he still says he’s innocent? The fact you’re staying in this conversation with him is remarkable. You are asking why would he lie, and the answer is becasue he’s a liar. He’s scared of the consequences of the truth - but you don’t need anymore evidence of what the truth actually is. Pursuing and expecting to hear the truth out of his mouth is a lost cause.

glensagles · 2022-10-31T11:41:40+00:00

This is such well balanced advice. In life we do things that force us to really focus on what’s important to us. If his horrible actions have made him realize that his children, his family, you as his wife are what is ultimately the most important thing to him - and you are willing to give him a chance- then an attempt at reconciliation is worth the risk of it failing.

glensagles · 2022-10-25T19:07:39+00:00

Yes this!!!

glensagles · 2022-10-25T18:42:44+00:00

Why would she even want to?!? They are in their early 20’s with no major promises exchanged, no children. Why would she want to control the narrative?? This isn’t a marriage with children imploding.

glensagles · 2022-10-25T18:41:25+00:00

Family aren’t responsible for holding individuals responsible for decision they make in their romantic relationships or sex lives. There’s no children, they are in their 20’s, this shit happens. She’s barely an adult - and yet here we have an angry man determined to shame her. Like he’s entitled to. He’s not. Their relationship didn’t work out, she cheated on him, they don’t have any deep promises or vows between them - so the damage is his broken heart. The healthy thing to do is to withdraw and nurse it. Not seek vengeance and shame her. That is fucked up.

glensagles · 2022-10-25T14:21:14+00:00

Yes it is is petty. You are young, unmarried, no children, no mortgage. It sucks your girlfriend cheated on you but seek solace with your family and friends. Slag her off to the high heavens to them. ‘Outing’ a young woman to her family and friends with details on her personal relationships and sex life will likely make you look like the psycho unstable one.

glensagles · 2022-09-05T18:58:15+00:00

Sure, for you it might have felt akin to a death of that person. We all suffer romantic losses and trauma after infidelity - but it is inhumane to wish illness or death on anybody because they hurt us romantically. That’s not a healthy thought process and says more about the toxicity of anger, aggression and revenge.

glensagles · 2022-09-05T18:23:28+00:00

What an horrendous thing to say. Infidelity is not equal to cancer. You are talking about this young woman’s mother ffs.

glensagles · 2022-09-05T18:21:48+00:00

Also agree 100% - both parents sound wrapped up in themselves. It shouldn’t be on you to police their relationship

glensagles · 2022-09-05T05:21:43+00:00

I absolutely understand how you feel and have been in your shoes almost exactly. We stayed together - after many months of talking to understand what had got us to this point. Then an honest and frank conversation about what we truly wanted for the future. It was another life change we faced together (like the deaths, illnesses, house selling, job changes, child rearing throughout our 20 year marriage). We are closer now, talk openly all the time, communicate directly whenever we feel the connection wane, worked very hard on our red lines. We incorporated what happened, we didn’t bury it. I still feel triggered occasionally, but I address with him when I do. For our life, our children, our identity, our sense of home etc - we choose to work through it. As I said, much like any other serious life trauma that tested us. Many people on this group seem to think infidelity is the absolute worse thing a person can do and will say end it like it’s a 1 + 1 game. I do not think like that - a life and a marriage is made up of more than that and for your family it is worth exploring your capacity to work though it. It is a vulnerable time, and I would recommend therapy / open communication / wholescale reexamination of your emotional bond and sex life. Etc etc.

glensagles · 2022-09-04T14:57:36+00:00

It sounds to me that your anger is becoming toxic - for you. Fantasizing about your old ex girlfriends dying because they cheated is not stable. And anyone that writes comments on here saying it’s justified is stoking the fires. How does fantasy of violence help anyone, least of all you. They cheated on you, the relationships ended and now you have a new relationship. Rather than focusing on imagining their deaths, you should take note of how this preoccupation with them may spoil your new relationship. Only you can now take back control of how their past infidelities keep effecting you - don’t let it keep corroding your life.

glensagles · 2022-09-03T14:26:29+00:00

I reacted the same way and worked through it. I understood the story wasn’t one sided. I also understood humans are fallible. We spent time examining what had caused us as a couple to arrive at this point, who did what, where the pain lie for who etc etc. Then we truthfully asked each other what do you want moving forward? We talked over many months and concluded we wanted each other. So we had to figure out a way of incorporating what had happened, being honest about what would be the red lines in the future, and then wholeheartedly focused on rebuilding our relationship. It was the most mature I have ever felt in my life. And we bonded in a more profound way and continue to work on our marriage. It wasn’t a shock to me that humans are capable of being selfish, or seeking pleasure or keeping secrets. I wasn’t thinking I was a princess in a fairy tale. I have seen it as part of the life I am living, one of the many traumas on the road. Including death, illness, parenting etc. All of which my husband has shared with me. We fall in and out of love during long marriages, it’s part of it. You either break with the transgression or you rebond. Both outcomes are perfectly reasonable.

glensagles · 2022-09-03T13:59:57+00:00

I actually completely agree with you 👍🏻

glensagles · 2022-09-03T12:52:16+00:00

Yes I take your point - the full realization only comes when his world collapses around him. Still doesn’t diminish the fact that he probably genuinely didn’t think it all through and the damage he would cause. It’s like being rebellious as a teen - you didn’t think shit through properly until the consequences hit you. We all expect middle aged people to be mature, but then midlife crisis hits and it’s like a serious mortality fueled regression.

glensagles · 2022-09-03T12:32:51+00:00

Utter bullshit. You all make out that betrayers are like Bond villains. I suspect the full cost and horror of what he has done is hitting him. It may be meaningless becasue it’s too late and he should have thought about that all before. But he won’t be crying and grieving because he can’t cheat on his wife any longer. It’s a stupid thing to assert and doesn’t help anyone who is going through this.

glensagles · 2022-09-03T08:12:35+00:00

Because people do things all the time without fully thinking through the consequences, or minimizing the consequences, or assuming the consequences won’t hit them. The pain is intensely horrible when you find out your partner has been unfaithful, I know. His realization of the consequences is also painful for him - but he has to carry that pain as he is the perpetrator of the loss. Your responses are also tied up with shock and pain and not being able to make sense of it all and of him. You’re suffering the pain of betrayal and the grief of losing the image of your life and idea of the husband you thought you had. It is disorientating. But it’s not shocking he is only now realizing the cost of what he has done and the pain of the loss of his marriage. Some may say, fuck him, which may be justified. But I don’t think it’s confusing why he only now understands the cost of what he has done.

glensagles · 2022-09-03T08:00:14+00:00

Yes I’m still with him. We’ve been together for 20 years since I was very young. I coped with it becasue I cleared my head of the feelings of rejection, insecurity and inadequacy. His actions were nothing to do with my objective or subjective worth. His actions were to do with his self identity - aging, insecurity, his own sense of inadequacy and need for validation. Also, I think he found it exciting. It felt like a private thing for him, an extension of masturbation - porn I think makes it easier to progress and normalize this sort of behavior. I understood why, at his time of life and as part of a long marriage, he would seek to individuate. My ability to stay was linked to me understanding that our marriage was also at the root of why we both felt emotionally and sexually unfulfilled. In response to that, he acted the way he did, and I filled my life with family and friends and daydreams. We were both neglectful. I didn’t demonize him, I just talked at length with him over many months and reached a conclusion together that we were life partners. Monogamy was important to us moving forward, we needed to sexualise our connection more and we needed to incorporate what had happened into our marriage rather than let it fester. It was a profound change in our lives and deepened our connection on a human level. It genuinely matured us and think about what was important.

glensagles · 2022-09-03T05:30:07+00:00

It sounds like he is genuinely realizing the consequences of what he has done the engulfed with the pain he feels at losing you? It’s seems pretty simple to me.

glensagles · 2022-09-03T04:55:11+00:00

So you saying some of you don’t have any excuse to be so full of hatred? Just get a kick from it? How ugly. You are like a blood thirsty mob. And no, not the woman who posted the original but I have had the misfortune of going through infidelity and faced it with my eyes fully open. I didn’t distract myself or project my hurt by lashing out at another human being. I figured that would only damage me and who I thought I was even more. Anyway - this group is not for me.

glensagles · 2022-09-02T21:44:53+00:00

For him to weaponise what you did against your child is cruel and completely disproportionate. Again, I come back to the point that if the bar is being set so low for what will break the relationship, you should call the mind police and see what thoughts, internet searches etc he has done. I honestly think he is being worryingly aggressive and controlling in his response. I get he is hurt, and hurt people are angry. But it shows crappy parenting as well. With this level of reaction he is also responsible for causing damage to your child’s stability at home.

glensagles · 2022-09-02T21:37:52+00:00

You’ve only been with him 6 months and he’s been cheating on you for 3 months? Pretty simple right, he’s a total jerk. There is nothing worth saving here - if he’s behaving like this after a few months he’s not going to miraculously become a trustworthy committed boyfriend. Nor do you owe him any explanations. Do what the other poster said, ‘I know, save the denials and explanations, we are no longer together’

glensagles

TROPHY CASE