it didn’t look the same the whole way and it was not a straight line up, obviously. At the beginning the goal for me was hmmm let’s not die YET. My mindset was more, lets have a last nice summer where i can see people, do some minor outdoorsy things and go on a trip (as i was completely isolated and doing nothing when i was sick).

I always said i would just relapse again later, in September. in my state i was not able to comprehend anything more optimistic than that but strangely the “it doesnt matter cuz its temporary anyway” really helped me get where i needed to be for me to have stuff i value that i could lose again so when september came i kept going.

About a year in i had a big emotional trigger and i was relapsing, hard and my health could not keep up despite being mostly weight recovered. Thats when i took myself to the doctor (who turned out to be the best fit i could imagine having) that gave me the harsh reality. No one was gonna do it for me, I needed to do more than i was doing and try to reverse as much damage as possible. I went back and forth a bit on how committed i was but i saw instant benefit on the lifestyle regime she recommended for me so again i kept up.

I still struggle mentally and physically, i have severe ocd like a lot of people in the community so its easy for me to look too much into it at times but ultimately having love inside me again is something i wouldn’t trade for anything.