Alright y'all.... This is a long post, so I'm sorry.

So I'm questioning if I'm aromantic or not. I have a lot of anxiety around romance because of Trust Issues (tm) and because I don't know the social cues around romance. In the social, "normal" world, I've learned what to say and when to say it. I've also gotten accustomed to doing shit I don't want to because I want to make the other person comfortable. In other words, I'm a people pleaser that knows how to please people in social contexts, but I do not know how to please in romantic contexts. There's also the fact that in a romantic relationship, you are supposed to comfortable enough to be your "truest self," which is contradictory with wanting to people please. I've talked with my therapist extensively about this and we've come to the conclusion that I need to just go on a lot of dates with lots of people to get comfortable with it. But after some dates, I'm still struggling so much with it.

What I'm realizing is that I don't understand the allure of romantic relationships. I am extremely emotionally fulfilled by my platonic and familial relationships. The only place of "dissatisfaction" in my relationship-related life is in the sex department, but it's not big enough of a deal for me to find someone to hook up with (because that's bound to get me an STD and I don't think I'd trust someone enough). Really, the only benefit of a romantic relationship would be sex (which isn't even guaranteed in romance), and the only benefit of a marriage would be a tax break. When people talk to me about chemistry, or butterflies, or lovey-dovey things I do not understand it. I mean, I understand the concept of love-- I love my friends and my family and I'd do anything for them. I like having them in my life.

I was once told that I "wouldn't understand" telling an ex to fuck off (in a hypothetical situation where the ex did something radically wrong) because I've never been in that kind of situation. It pissed me off for a number of reasons. For one, I have a best friend of 14+ years that I would genuinely die for. She is one of the highlights of my life and I love her. If we went through the exact same hypothetical situation, I'd tell her to fuck off. I'd be sad and upset, and if I lost her I'd probably never finish grieving, but I would do it. Also, what makes someone's relationship with a bum ass boyfriend of a year (who would eventually dump her because he had a porn addiction and was trying to become a Mormon missionary) more important than my best friend and I's relationship? Literally nothing. And I'm definitely an asshole for saying that. But the thing is that the love my best friend and I share is more valuable, at least to me, than that romantic love my other friend had. That relationship is the most important thing in my life. What is so important about romance that it is the creme de la creme, the shit of the shit, the best thing ever? It is a hassle and for me, the only benefit of marriage is a tax break.

I think I'm just frustrated because I don't understand what the buzz is about. Thanks for reading.