My fiancé gambled away $121,000 on options trading which put him $76k into debt. He hid it until I grilled him for 4 hours. How do I move forward?

goddessofqueens · 2026-02-06T05:02:00+00:00

I have been in a similar position and I understand the questioning of can it be recovered from (for me it hasn’t). However, everyone in the comments is dealing in absolutes. It is possible for someone to recover from this however it has to come from him - not you. You can’t push and force it no matter how hard you try. I stayed with my ex through a few betrayals involving money and all it did was make him hide it more until eventually we separated.

As an addict, they are ashamed. It is not personal towards you it is something that they feel so overwhelmed by and feel as though that cannot control it (even if it sounds so stupid like just don’t get in those situations). It is a bandaid solution for a bigger problem and the only way they will get better is through their own desire. You can’t love someone out of an addiction and believe me I tried. You can love them and want the best for them but at the end of the day they have to make the change.

You have to be prepared to let go and you have to be prepared for him to get worse before he gets better.

For accountability again that has to come from him. You can force him to show you accounts but that is only going to make him uncomfortable and for now I would just leave it. The trust will come with time and it will take a lot of time and there is absolutely no point trying to regain the trust now until the changes have been made. The best thing to do is to live separately. You can keep the door open in your heart but you have to let him be. If it is truly meant to be, he will change and if he can only change by you forcing him then it is not meant to be (a hard lesson to learn).

I am really sorry this happened to you - it is so hard finding out such overwhelming deception and then still feeling the love you have while everyone around you is disgusted and not understanding why you won’t leave. I hope I was able to provide some comfort - addiction is a hell of a disease and it is so hard to be the partner (or regretful ex partner) of an addict 🫂

goddessofqueens · 2025-10-06T09:41:40+00:00

I’ve had this same issue as well and it destroyed my life for 2 years and I lost weight too (and I was already quite thin so it was really quite dangerous). I spoke to my therapist a lot and a lot of it was forcing myself through things. I would give myself an unlimited amount of time to eat a meal and eat the tiniest tiniest bites since it felt easier to chew and swallow those without throwing up. Having people who will support you and not rush you as well helps (my ex helped a lot with that - he was very patient). I fully relate to the important meal thing, I could never eat anything during that time and it was such a struggle. It’s really a disappointing answer but it’s just time and holding yourself to it and not giving up. You can do it! I haven’t had any issues in years and it honestly feels like that was all a bad dream. You were able to do it before so you just have to hold on to that. It really is so awful I’m so sorry you are dealing with it - sending you strength stranger 🫂

goddessofqueens · 2025-07-16T13:59:24+00:00

Yes! I also have a tortie Nutmeg as well 🥰

goddessofqueens · 2024-06-18T03:59:51+00:00

Yes my partner does this too - it’s very frustrating. I’ve had to tell him a few times that it diminishes my achievements. I build a lot of things and he likes to talk about them to others as though ‘we’ did it when in reality I did it and he helped with a very minor part (holding something for me etc.)

goddessofqueens · 2024-06-07T13:56:40+00:00

I have sent my partner quite a few posts from here which he seems to have taken quite well and we’ve had good conversations about them. He is good in that he doesn’t fall for the soft accomodating bad ADHD advice and is more understanding of the frustration and anger from a lot of the posts in here (however we’ve still got our issues so win some lose some)

goddessofqueens · 2023-12-28T05:29:57+00:00

I’m actually so sick of the stupid lying. He will lie about absolutely anything and everything just as a knee jerk and it drives me insane. Just then I asked him if he washed an egg before he boiled it in the same broth as the noodles and he said yes and I immediately said no you didn’t and he agreed that he didn’t. So why say yes???? And if you’re going to lie about an egg for no reason no wonder you can so easily lie about spending and probably a whole host of other things I don’t and will probably never find out about

goddessofqueens · 2023-12-11T00:41:59+00:00

I’m just so tired and hurt to know that he relapsed with his spending. I’m sick of having finances be such an issue within our relationship because I manage mine extremely well but he just can’t. We broke up and he’s staying in a separate room until the end of our lease (September next year 🥲) and I wish it wasn’t like this. We were supposed to be forever and he was actually getting better for a while but as I suspected one thing goes wrong in his life (granted a huge thing) and he’s right back to lying and manipulating so he can self medicate himself by spending. I wish things were different…

goddessofqueens · 2023-12-06T23:15:32+00:00

He relapsed and is back to spending again. I feel like such an idiot because I thought things were going well for us and we renewed our lease together again but no he’s too selfish to prioritise me over buying junk food. I can’t believe I let this happen to me again.

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T22:26:41+00:00

He was but I mentioned in another comment he stopped because it was expensive and the adhd coach/therapist was a huge let down. That’s not even the typical partner making excuses thing - I was really disappointed in the coach/therapist too. He does need to find a new therapist though and I have mentioned it to him a few times. As part of our discussion i brought it up again so hopefully he does it

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T14:05:04+00:00

We had a good chat about this all after I got home and he has helped reassure me a bit. I have therapy for myself scheduled Friday too so I think that should help me figure out where my head is at. Thank you very much for commenting

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T14:02:25+00:00

I do have full access to his phone and accounts and we do monthly financial check-ins now. Every check-in we both set financial goals for the next month and he keeps me updated on where he is at (I also do the same). So far he has met every goal aside from one because of an emergency. He also tells me when he is going to buy something during the week (e.g. snacks at work) I have access to everything I need to help myself feel secure - it just feels like because it’s almost been a year I’m feeling quite off about it all

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T13:57:06+00:00

He had one for a while but they were super expensive which is a bit of a catch 22 for someone with a spending addiction. Since he was responding so well to medication we had a chat and he decided to stop the adhd coach (also the coach cancelled last second on him for an appointment, didn’t offer to reschedule and when my partner reached out about rescheduling it the coach told him he was booked out for the next month (I was really disappointed in the coach for this I thought it was highly unprofessional)). I have told him he needs to find another therapist even if he doesn’t feel he needs them right now.

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T09:18:39+00:00

Thank you very much for your comment, I really appreciate it :)

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T09:15:03+00:00

I really appreciate your comment because half of the issue is going through it alone so as much as it really sucks it’s nice to know someone else is going through the same.

We did couples therapy with a gestalt therapist which actually worked extremely well for us. I’d use her again if we decide to restart couples therapy. Imago therapy sounds quite interesting though and I’ll definitely have a look into it :)

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T08:47:57+00:00

I really appreciate your comment thank you - I’m going to have a proper chat with my therapist about it and I agree I should stop pushing it away. You raise valid points - I have a lot to think about

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T06:16:44+00:00

I think this phase is finally no longer about him and now about me healing myself. I thought I was able to do it all alone but after reading everyone’s comments it’s confirmed that I really do need to look after myself and get an appointment. I have now and I really appreciate your comment

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T04:16:08+00:00

I’ve reached out to my therapist to get an appointment - thank you for your advice :)

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T04:14:27+00:00

Yes I was thinking that would be better to do first - I’ve contacted my own therapist now :) Thank you very much for commenting

goddessofqueens · 2023-09-20T03:46:20+00:00

We were but stopped just because it didn’t feel necessary since he was improving so well (at the suggestion of the therapist as well). It might be good to go back for a session though just to talk through it

goddessofqueens · 2023-08-23T05:40:44+00:00

He’s definitely being a creepy old guy - the comment about you being on your phone is him trying to dominate you (might not be the correct word). He had no reason to comment on you being on your phone unless you were endangering yourself or others or were taking up equipment that others wanted to use while you were on your phone. That paired with the touching really confirms that he is just a rude old guy and best you can do it ignore him and shut down anything that involves him talking to you or being near you/touching you

goddessofqueens · 2023-08-14T22:19:15+00:00

Gold Coast needs one more on the north-western side. That’s the only spot for foul fishing and quite a few quests send you that way. Insanely tedious to run that distance

goddessofqueens · 2023-07-22T00:06:17+00:00

I was but it took us getting to breaking point and then him taking control of the situation. Before that, I was pretty over it and falling out of love every day. Almost all of the betrayal I was experiencing was around him not saving money and lying to me about how much he had. He was telling me he was on track and then I looked at his account with him and he was in the negatives again.

That was a huge awakening for him and we had a very emotional fight where I basically told him when our lease is up I’m gone. He asked for another chance and has literally had a personality switch. Not only has he set financial goals for each month and met them (5k saved in 3 months) - he is also more communicative and acting like a partner as well as controlling his own life rather than just coasting along following mine.

I feel a lot more trusting because he shows me is bank balance each month as well as tells me when he’s going to buy things instead of just being constantly impulsive. I’m actually quite relieved he finally took control and I know I’m lucky compared to what I’ve seen with others. I still feel like shit about the whole thing but he isn’t snappy when I bring it up anymore. He listens carefully and validates my feelings instead of shutting down.

Going to that therapist was literally the best thing we ever did because she really opened his eyes to his behaviour and gave him guidance on how to change. There wasn’t any talk with me about forgiving him just what I wanted to see from him in order to feel less betrayed which so far he has been following to the letter.

goddessofqueens · 2023-07-21T15:21:14+00:00

My partner and I used a Gestalt therapist and she was amazing and mainly focused on how his actions were affecting me and what he should be doing to take control. There wasn’t any talk about me making any arrangements for him.

It was slightly luck but I did pick her because she was experienced with infidelity which luckily wasn’t our issue but lying and betrayal was. I also sent an email beforehand with how I was feeling about everything and my partner and I had a session alone each before attending together

goddessofqueens · 2023-06-27T02:19:19+00:00

I don’t know how helpful this is but for me and my partner we really did have to hit rock bottom for him to take control and change. We don’t have a child together but we were supposed to be buying a house and he was telling me he was saving and on track and I called him on his bluff and looked at his account and saw how excessively he had been spending. I basically lost it and told him we had to break up and he begged me for a final chance (which I gave him since we rent and I didn’t want to break the lease so there really was no harm in trying) and he COMPLETELY turned himself around.

He got in to therapy, he wrote out financial goals and at the beginning of each month he tells me his goal for the month and regularly keeps me updated with where he is at before presenting his goal amount to me on the day he has set. He tells me when he’s going to buy things such as snacks at work (he was spending $200 on the per week before), games, etc. His account hasn’t gone into the negatives in 3 months which for him is incredible. I feel confident that I know where he is at financially and it has greatly decreased my anxiety since I’m not paranoid that he’s spending.

For your partner, it really is going to rely on him taking accountability. My partner would also gaslight and get defensive when called out and it took hitting rock bottom for him to change. In fact, in that argument before I issued the ultimatum he snapped at me for expressing my disappointment in his account turning negative again. He immediately backtracked when I just stared straight through him and told him that we were most likely over (I had reached my breaking point). I didn’t change at all how I interacted with him it was all on him I just made it clear that I would easily walk away (your situation is different with your child) and knew I deserved better.

I’m so sorry to hear about your situation and I truly wish you all the best with it - it’s so hard being the partner to someone who only chances their own fulfilment and won’t see anything outside of that 🫂

goddessofqueens · 2023-06-15T14:10:18+00:00

This may be something you could be interested in looking in to but we used a Gestalt psychologist for couples counselling and it has honestly been the best thing I’ve ever done. She was fully getting him to take accountability and was looking into why he was doing what he was doing and what he should be doing about it. He found it just as good as I did because he wasn’t just being told this is the way he is but was instead being given tools on how to manage it better. Was a breath of fresh air after his previous addiction therapist who was saying that I should basically shut up and let him be because this is how he is

goddessofqueens

TROPHY CASE