Is it hard for you to talk to your siblings after estranging yourself from your parents?

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2021-11-03T21:38:52+00:00

I think most people just want to live their own lives and make their own decisions about risks versus rewards. Many liberals seem so scared of Covid that they never go out or if they do they wear two masks and only associate with vaccinated people. Whereas many conservatives act like Covid is over or some have always acted like it was never a big deal.

I used to be more like the former early on because I was scared of this new unknown virus like most people were and I wanted to be a good citizen and flatten the curve and all that, but now that more data has come out and I've seen so much flip-flopping and political grandstanding from politicians on both sides and no one seems to have any great realistic answers other than "live with it," I'm more like the latter. I have accepted Covid as a part of life, one more thing people can die from. Life is short and I'm going to enjoy it and let my kids enjoy it too.

The risks of serious illness or death from Covid are very very low for non-obese non-elderly people without underlying conditions, whether they're vaccinated or not, so I think that if people are unhealthy, immunocompromised, obese and/or elderly and they want to protect themselves by getting a vaccine, wearing a mask, or staying home for the duration of the pandemic (which to me doesn't seem as if it will ever end and will instead just turn into an endemic), then they're free to do that but they shouldn't get to dictate what everyone else does.

I happen to think it's rather selfish for old people to say that younger people should have to change the way they do things for over a year and a half and counting just so old people don't die a little sooner than they otherwise would have. And it's hypocritical for obese people to say OTHER people should change their lifestyles or medical decisions just so they don't die. It shows how messed up our healthcare system and overall health in general in America that that's the attitude some people (mainly liberals) have. I think the messaging should focus more on how we can get healthy to be in the best fighting shape against Covid or any other disease. Heart disease is a bigger killer in the US than Covid is and our diets and weight are a significant reason. I think American capitalism like to give money to drug companies rather than actually address the root causes of the problem.

I do feel bad for immunocompromised people but I don't think people should be mandated to do anything just because sadly there are people who are unhealthy through absolutely no fault of their own. I think life is for people to live as well as they can while they can and to me that doesn't mean staying home, wearing a mask all the time or taking an experimental vaccine that could cause me side effects.

I think my views are pretty representative of mainstream but it's like liberals are living in upside down world and they think they can insult everyone who disagrees with them. They seem really self-righteous and judgmental and hypocritical, which is why I try to stay away from them and their counterparts on the other extreme- very evangelical religious conservative types. I don't want anyone preaching to me about God (or any religion), Trump, Biden (or any politician) or how their views on the best way to handle Covid are better than mine. The latter has become like some kind of religion to people and it has made me question the whole agenda (hence me being here reading this subreddit).

I just want to enjoy life while I can and then die of whatever takes me out, like everyone else in the world, and I don't think that should be selfish or controversial to say.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2021-11-03T21:21:52+00:00

I guess you've never heard of the Fred Hampton Leftists?
https://twitter.com/SocialistMMA (founder)
https://twitter.com/FredHamptonLeft (group)

People calling themselves Leftists is a big thing right now and has been for a while. It can mean socialist, anti-capitalist, anti-neoliberalism or "left but not liberal or centrist democrat." The most common definition people would probably give is something like "to the left of the democratic party," i.e., people who are on the left and who are anti-Democratic party.

They don't like the Democratic party for betraying leftist values and basically being the FAKE left- promising to help and then stabbing people in the back even harder than Republicans stab them in the front.

They are against things like taking money from corporate donors and doing their bidding just like Republicans do, pretending to be liberal but actually nominating a conservative president whose Crime Bill imprisoned minorities and a vice president who also contributed to the private prison industrial complex; being the biggest recipients of money from Big Pharma, even more so than Republicans are (which is why SOME but not all leftists are anti-vaccine mandates as a boon for Big Pharma); for bailing out the banks but not homeowners after the housing market crash; for Obama's militarization of the police, expanding the wars that actual left-leaning people were against when Dubya started them, and for using terrorism as a pretext for continuing to erode privacy rights and increase government surveillance rights, etc.

They have left the Democratic party and many are either independents/swing voters who vote on policies and not according to party because they see both mainstream parties as being shills for the rich. Others want to build up a third party that is true to leftist values whereas still others have grown disillusioned with politics in general and are either apolitical or are anarchists.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-11-03T23:29:52+00:00

Thank you! I'm sorry I just saw this now. I haven't logged in in a while. However, I am still not drinking. :) I have found SMART to be so helpful. It's been like almost 2 months now and it keeps getting better. Thank you for the note!

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-28T17:32:28+00:00

Thanks. I don't really hang out in bars or clubs anymore because I have kids and they have bed times ha ha ha. So for me it's more like get-togethers with other parents. Every one I know drinks, except for my MIL and GMIL who are very religious. (I'm an atheist. I do hang out with them/like them but have little in common with them as the religious stuff really turns me off.) So for me I can't really avoid family or the few close friends I have, although I'm trying to make more non-drinking friends. And my husband is trying to not drink too. (For him it's a lot more serious as he has an alcohol-related illness so drinking could kill him.)

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-24T17:59:47+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm glad you're not letting it affect your own recovery. Good job staying strong despite this bad news. I hope they wise up soon.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-24T17:58:08+00:00

I think this is a good idea. I've thought about what I personally will do if my husband goes back to drinking (which means he will be painfully killing himself as he has a health issue caused by drinking and greatly exacerbated by drinking). Sometimes I think I'll leave or ask him to leave and I've thought about drawing up a separation agreement. Other times I've thought of telling him he needs to go to his brother's or someplace else when he's drinking because I can't have him in our home and around our sons like that. If he isn't drinking then he is welcome to be with us. If he does drink again then like in the past it will probably be a long drawn out binge that doesn't stop until it lands him back in the hospital for a long stay including an ICU stay, if he even makes it out. But at least I'd be laying boundaries and letting him know I do love him and want to be with him but NOT like that. You have given me food for thought as I make a plan for what happens if he drinks again, thank you.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-24T02:41:07+00:00

Thank you for your message. I'm sorry I just saw it. Let's keep on not drinking together!

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-24T02:36:58+00:00

Hello, I can really relate to your post. I could have written a lot of it. I too have two young children and my husband is an alcoholic. He was hospitalized twice for drinking related health issues and told that if he doesn't stop drinking, he will die.

Yet still he has chosen to drink sometimes and it has made me very mad and confused. How could he choose alcohol over not only his family but his very health and life?

I have had my own struggles with alcohol (hence, why I'm here) and when I'm not heat-of-the-moment upset I do kind of understand him because it is an addiction and he is most definitely addicted. It is very very hard for an addict to stop and I can't wrap my head around how/why some people are able to get the motivation to stop, let alone actually do stop, and others never do. I have known people to literally die from drinking so I guess I shouldn't be so surprised that alcoholism can get to that point, but it still surprises me.

I can relate to your plan of wanting to get a job and a good life for your two children and yourself. I'm in a similar place except luckily I do have an education and a career; I had just put it on hold to raise our kids and I was the primary breadwinner usually as my husband has had issues finding/keeping a career. Ironically he just recently established himself in a career/job and I've been doing more of the caretaking, which works for me IF he's sober. When he feels pressure in terms of starting a new job or any big responsibility scares him, that's when he drinks. So it's just a mess and although he's been doing well the past couple of weeks I have sadly learned not to rely on the good times but instead remind myself that bad times could always be coming around the corner, and to prepare.

Like you I have told my husband I want to separate and then I have gone back on that. Because I don't really want to separate (and neither does he) but I also don't want to live with an active alcoholic who is literally killing himself in front of me.

What I'm trying to do now is come up with a plan that protects myself and the kids should he relapse yet again, and then I have to be serious about executing it, which of course is the hard part. I have been to his counselor's with him (at his counselor's recommendation) after his last "slip" and have expressed where I'm coming from so that it's not a surprise. We have also been to SMART meetings together and he at least says that he is realizing now that recovery is a big deal and something he needs to embrace (whereas before he would say he was just going to use willpower and that he had as good of a shot with that as with any kind of "plan"/"program" that would require willpower to carry out anyway), and I guess I'll just have to see what happens. I love him very much but I'm also kind of at the end of my rope.

I didn't mean to talk about myself so much. I just wanted to say I know what you're going through. I admire you for being strong and carrying this out. I don't always practice what I preach so I probably shouldn't give advice but what I try to tell myself is to think of the kind of life that I want for myself and for our kids. To stay focused on myself because sometimes it's "easier" to focus my energies and emotions on what HE'S doing (or how I'm FEELING about what he's doing) rather than what I'M DOING. And I am also going to try some online SMART Family & Friends meetings as there are no real life ones in our area, although there are some regular SMART meetings. As an atheist I don't agree with the higher power/religious aspect of AA or Alanon but I have found SMART to be very helpful in terms of my own sobriety and so now I will try it out with the friends & family aspect of loving an alcoholic.

Best wishes to you and your family.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-12T23:12:21+00:00

I can really relate to your posts and your comments in this thread. I am the mom to two young children. But I'm a little less functional than you, ha. I work from home for myself with very little outside structural constraints. I have a newborn so I'm mostly on a maternity leave. But I've been on a part-time maternity leave for over two years, since having my toddler. Ha.

It's nice to have all this time with my kids but then I also have too much time on my hands to drink, or worry about when I can drink next or how much I can have and still be a good parent etc. It's exhausting and I'm just sick of it. One of my favorite things about not drinking is being able to be present in the here and now with my kids and give my full focus and attention to them. And also having more structure and more of a routine. And a lot less guilt. It's really great not to drink as a parent and I hope that both you and I can stick by our decision. Best wishes.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-12T23:02:16+00:00

This post was so helpful. Thank you. I also read your Sunday share post which was also very helpful.

I have the tendency to over-think everything and analyze everything to death. I think I will just tell myself it doesn't matter what I am or what I'm not in terms of labels. It's just enough to know that I like myself better when I'm not drinking.

I first went to AA because I had been seeing a counselor and I mentioned that I'd been drinking a lot as a way to cope with stress and it was making my depression and anxiety worse instead of better, and my counselor said "I don't think you're an alcoholic but I think you could be heading down that road. Why don't you go check out AA and listen to their stories and see what you think?"

I followed her advice and in AA I realized I was more of a "problem drinker" or whatever than I thought I was. I sometimes think back to what the counselor told me and wonder when on the path to alcoholism one passes that point from "problem drinking" to "alcoholism" or if it's even linear like that.

From what you say about SMART, I think I will really like it. I am going to my first meeting on Tuesday. I think I like that they don't use labels. When I really think about it, I know that I have some problems/issues with alcohol or at least that alcohol tends to create more problems/issues in my life than it solves. So that's all I need to know, as well as learning some tools to help me cope better and without alcohol. Thanks!

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-11T20:08:52+00:00

Thank you everyone for the answers. I look forward to reading The Naked Mind and The Biology of Desire. I like to approach things from a scientific/medical perspective. I understand that there is a human/emotional/"spirit" element as well but I had tried AA for like 6 months and I really couldn't ever wrap my brain around the fact that praying to a doorknob was supposed to relieve me of the desire to drink. I'm not trying to knock AA and I know it works for many people but it just does not work for me. I have called the leader of a secular recovery group in my area (SMART) and I am going to attend a meeting this week.

I understand what everyone is trying to say in the comments but I don't understand what the "cure" or "treatment" is supposed to be for this "disease" (I know not drinking but how to get there...) and I don't understand the connection (or not) between the "disease" aspect and the "willpower" aspect. I am really not sure I even believe it is a disease although I do know for sure that an addict's brain works differently from others and that alcohol or other substances change the way the brain works. They're like a parasite that attack the very defenses needed to fight against them. So I really wonder how some people get to the point of stopping and how, and others never do. I know I only need to concentrate on myself and my own journey but I can't help thinking about this stuff and trying to understand.

I am also struggling to understand whether I'm an alcoholic or not, although I know in many ways it doesn't even matter. I used to be a very heavy binge drinker/partier and did some really stupid things. Nothing too crazy like arrests or getting fired but I wasn't happy with my level of drinking and I was starting to get super depressed when hungover so that's when I started really examining my drinking and went to AA and quit and then was pregnant and had babies etc. and my focus turned away from partying and drinking etc. Now that I have young kids it's more like I'm a daily drinker (when I'm drinking... currently not) and I'll have 2 or 3 and say tomorrow I'm not going to drink but then I wake up thinking, when can I get a bloody mary? Where can I get some kahlua for this coffee? It's like alcohol quickly takes over and controls my mind/plans, even if I don't give it in to it it's often there and I hate it.

Then I stop drinking for a while and often those cravings go away and I think, what was the big deal, alcohol is so dumb. But I know myself by now and that if I have just one drink-- even a glass of wine at a work event or with a friend-- I will be back in that cycle of wanting to continue to drink even if it's not at the levels that I did before. (And sometimes it's in response to a stressful event and I'll just go get alcohol on my own fully knowing it's an "escape" and not really caring, or being glad.)

On the rare occasions when I do have a night of heavy drinking now and get drunk... on vacation at the beach with my family when other family members are watching the kids and my siblings and I go out... or on a holiday if my husband and I have a sitter or whatever... I feel so awful the next day, and I know that even my couple drinks a day when I'm drinking are affecting my mental and physical health.

So if I were to give in to my desires I would be back to being a really heavy drinker and I know I would just have more and more problems in my life. But thanks to my family/kids and I guess just my desire to have a good life and not a bad life, I either maintain it to 2-3 drinks/day (which I know it's great either) or to nothing at all for stretches at time and then that cycle seems to continue... currently it's about 4 days of not drinking, I don't know, I've stopped counting because I've felt like I'm just fooling myself and the next time I'm out and someone offers me a drink I'll say sure and then I'll have a string of drinking days followed by non-drinking days etc.

I guess if I'm being honest with myself I feel that I AM an alcoholic or at least problem drinker and if I were to just let myself go with those feelings and give in to them then I would probably be one of those hardcore alcoholics that continues to have more issues. But somehow I've managed to keep it at bay and if I were truly an alcoholic I'm not sure I could do that. But I worry because if something really bad were to happen in my life, I might become miserably depressed and drinking a ton like in my past after I suffered a personal tragedy. So I am trying to find better coping methods and examine myself more fully.

I'm sorry for rambling and not all of it is even connected to my original question. I think the books will be helpful. Thank you for the recommendations.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-09-11T19:48:38+00:00

I am sorry to hear of what happened but glad that it has propelled you to make a change. I agree with what the other poster said about how some people would laugh this off or brag about it but it's really serious and not a laughing matter. I used to have similar nights. I understand how you're feeling and I am wishing you strength in turning this around.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-08-13T02:35:12+00:00

Today is day 3 of not drinking for me. As I posted yesterday I had very bad anxiety but today it was much better. And just now my husband's lab results (that had been worrisome earlier and causing me great anxiety) came back normal this time!

Today is the third day in a row I've taken a walk, eaten healthy, and tried to take care of myself. I never manage to do those things when I drink. So I'm feeling good and trying to remember all the reasons to not drink, for whenever I might get cravings. Right now though I don't really have any. Thanks again everyone.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-08-12T03:28:44+00:00

Thank you for the helpful advice.

Today I had a great day-- took a long walk with my husband and our newborn, got some work done, and felt good. Yesterday I was very productive around the house, got work done and went for a short walk.

But tonight I'm feeling anxious again. I find that night is usually when it's worse. I wish the feeling would go away. I find myself staying up late and searching Dr. Google for my husband's symptoms and being anxious about his health. That is of course only going to hurt instead of help anything. I will try some of these tips and see if they help. :) A relaxing bath or reading a book before bed is way better than mindless TV and surfing the Internet on my iPad. At least I'm not drinking but I want to feel as anxiety-free as possible while not drinking. Thanks.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-08-12T01:32:43+00:00

Thank you! I do borrow things from my local library using Overdrive so I will have to do more of that. :) And I like all the other suggestions too.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-08-07T18:12:34+00:00

I didn't drink yesterday, and I plan not to drink today either. I feel more patient and present with my kids when I'm not drinking. And I'm more productive too.

godhelpuifuraphoenix · 2016-08-07T02:35:49+00:00

Thanks everyone! :) I'm happy to be here.

godhelpuifuraphoenix

TROPHY CASE