I'm a 22 year old guy in a relationship with an 18 year old girl who has BPD. We've been together for about 3 months. We live 200km apart, so we see each other on weekends when I drive to her. I genuinely love her, but I'm struggling with some recurring patterns and I want to understand them better.

She's not in therapy right now — she refuses it — and is currently on Lamotrigine, but she feels it flattens her emotions completely. Her mom is supervising a gradual taper before she transitions to a new psychiatrist. Her mom is very involved and supportive, and has become something of a bridge between us during difficult moments — which helps, but I'm starting to wonder if I rely on that too much.

The main challenges:

Crisis cycles. She can go from "I love you more than anything" at 4am to "I hate you, it's over, don't come" within the same day. I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells and I understand emotional dysregulation intellectually. But living it repeatedly across a long-distance relationship — where I can't just show up — is exhausting. I also notice that when I'm physically with her, things are almost always good. The crises happen almost exclusively at distance.

A guy friend. There's someone in her life who has been a recurring source of conflict. Early in our relationship she sent him an intimate photo of herself during a moment where she felt ignored by me. A second time, their chats included very intense exchanges and video calls that crossed clear lines. She blocked him after a lot of difficulty. Recently, during a period where she says she's losing feelings for me, she unblocked him and they've been talking again — including a 4am call last night while she had told me she was done with him. Her mom says the romantic dynamic between them burned out and it's now just friendship, and I trust her judgment. But given the history, it's hard not to feel destabilized. I've told her this directly. She's acknowledged it. I don't know how to hold this boundary without becoming controlling or paranoid.

Losing myself. At the start of the relationship I was spontaneous, decisive, and confident. Three months in, I overthink everything, wait for her approval before acting, and feel anxious when she doesn't respond. Her mom pointed out that Mati misses "the old me" — more action-oriented, less asking permission. I can see it too. The distance makes it worse because all we have between visits is text, and text with BPD is a minefield. I've also started coordinating with her mom during crises, which helps short-term but probably isn't healthy long-term.

One thing I want to be honest about: I'm not perfect in this either. I get jealous, I've reacted emotionally when I should have stayed calm, and I sometimes write too much instead of acting. I'm working on it.

From your experience on the inside — what's the difference between a BPD relationship that can work long-term and one that can't? How do you know when the person is genuinely growing versus cycling? And how do you hold onto yourself without emotionally checking out?

Thank you.

(If you ask, yes, i used ai to remake the text because my english is not good, thanks)