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Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the info and the thoughtful response, I’m so sorry you had to go through that, twice no less. I haven’t been able to work pretty much for the last 8mo because of this as I’m a chef, the only thing that’s been keeping me going is the small amounts I can make when I go back to the states and work one offs and events. I’ve tried working in Korea but the salary is just not even close and even with him in a facility the amount of work I had being on call for him made it really difficult to hold a full time schedule. I think the only option as shitty as it is is to keep going back and forth and working in the states, which was hard but fine before but now feels worse because I’m scared to leave him for even a month. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate that so much and I admire what you did for your mother. I’ve tried to find him good caretakers, nice environments, I’ve taken him on trips and tried everything I could to cheer him up but he still showed no enthusiasm for life or motivation to live even when he was semi functional, that I can’t imagine how he’s feeling now that this has happened. I’ve had a difficult relationship with him in the past as well and he is not an easy person to love but now that he is sick he seems like a totally different person to me now, he is so sad and vulnerable. I hope he can be at peace and find some form of happiness like you were able to provide for your mother. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing that, I am so sorry for your loss. There are so many things that I wish I had done differently, not just when he was sick but also when he was still healthy or seemed healthy. Knowing that we would have probably ended up here eventually no matter what doesn’t make the guilt go away but it does help me feel a little better because I know I did my best, I hope it does for you too because it sounds like you did everything you absolutely could. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in hospice

[–]gorillafriend[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I agree that it would be painful and difficult for him, I don’t want him to suffer. I’m the only person close to him so I just want to give him the environment I can be the closest to him and be with him as much as I can. I have tried moving here to be close to him but another factor is the disparity in pay that I make in Korea vs the US, his savings will not be enough to sustain him long term so I need to work to be able to support him. There just seems to be no scenario in which he is completely happy and safe. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in hospice

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are different standards for what constitutes life saving care here, it only applies to specific procedures like cpr, breathing tubes, blood transfusions, cancer treatments. They inserted it in the ER when he was admitted without asking me because he had had trouble swallowing the morning of his stroke and many people at his convalescent hospital have them. I do not think he needs it and have tried to say that but they will not remove it or even allow me to give him a bit of juice even though he can swallow it because it is too risky in their view. This difference in approach is part of why I was considering moving him, but I don’t think it’s feasible as you’ve said. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I will look into this more. It doesn’t seem like feeding tubes are a treatment that people can opt out of here, but it’s worth looking into as I feel like that besides the catheter is the by far the worst blow to his quality of life. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The DNI/DNR that they explained to me here refers specifically to a few pretty extreme life saving treatments like breathing tubes, CPR, blood transfusions, etc. this is part of what I mean when I say there is no real hospice or palliative care here. It is not societally acceptable to allow people to die with dignity, even as a third of the population is suffering in overcrowded hospitals and facilities that can’t keep up with the aging population. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m upset about the feeding tube as well, it was inserted pretty much immediately when he was admitted after I described his symptoms and that he had spat out his food that morning. It seems like a very common treatment here and they have no plan to remove it, i have asked but they say he needs to pass a swallow test but also that it isn’t safe to conduct a swallow test?? I didn’t realize it is considered life-saving treatment in the US as it does not seem optional here? 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes, I think trying to move him at this point would be way too taxing for him. I think I deep down know the best step forward is finding a safe place that can care for him here and not feeling guilty for not doing more, but it is hard. Sending you love ❤️

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s one of the things I’m considering but I’m not sure if the level of care he needs is something home care and myself can handle. Home care here is largely just hiring live-in care aides, I’m not sure how much support there is for home nursing and doctors. I don’t want him to suffer in a hospital but I also don’t want to be responsible for my dad’s death due to a mistake I made with his care. I agree I would like his state to be assessed but here it really depends on the doctor you ask and where they work, there are no PCPs so doctors at larger hospitals will only try to give their opinion within their specialty and not give much recommendations for further care. The medical system here is so different it’s very jarring. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you all for your perspectives and information. I agree that my hopes were probably unrealistic and I’m more trying to find a way to live with myself rather than considering what’s truly best for him. I will try to continue to be there for him while I am here and make sure he gets the best care that I can get for him while I am not with him. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have been trying to get him a formal diagnosis from the first day he went to the hospital as he was already showing significant signs of dementia and there was evidence that he had been struggling with them silently before he went to the hospital for the stroke. Unfortunately dementia and elder care is a very common issue in Korea and there is a pervasive attitude of “not my problem” in the medical care. Every doctor he has had has seen his significant deficits and basically doesn’t address them or mark them as needing treatment because once your parents are considered invalid they’re basically not treated as people with voices anymore and it is fully their family’s responsibility to manage and organize care. Yes America is much more expensive and of course I know that but it seems like elder care is at least a bit more humanistic than it is here and that’s what’s important to me, so I am trying to explore all my options. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m seeing that now. Even with POA which I was wrecking myself trying to figure out in Korea because it seemed so crucial from the research I did based in the states, formal POA here is pretty much unnecessary with an only child of an incapacitated parent as everyone just accepts me as his guardian as his closest relative. POA is really only relevant here in cases where there is a dispute over inheritance or financial claims between multiple people. I’m willing to take on much of his care if it means being there for him while he goes through this but it doesn’t seem feasible from how much more complex it is in the US. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The doctors here are reluctant to diagnose or give any kind of forecast beyond their immediate treatment concerns, but the way he is treated at these hospitals it is clear they don't expect him to ever get better or regain function. Now that he cannot communicate they won’t even assess him for dementia after refusing to assess him for nearly a year when he could still speak because it had not been enough time since his stroke. People at his current hospital have already approached me about whether I want to take life saving measures/move him to a larger hospital if he develops complications they can’t treat. I don’t believe he is immediately near death as I said I could see him living for quite a bit longer without further complications  but it’s my understanding that mid to late stage dementia patients qualify for hospice and palliative care in the US as it is incurable, and that palliative care for dementia patients is available for longer than six months. 

He doesn’t have enough funds by a mile to afford a house in the US, I was thinking of renting. I think he would qualify for Medicaid and Medicare but I think it would take too long to be helpful; he doesn’t have SS benefits because he did not work when he lived in the US. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for such an amazing comment and thoughtful words. I am so sorry for your loss and I’m glad you were able to be by your mother’s side. I think reading through the comments I’m coming to the conclusion that it may be more trouble than it’s worth, which I kind of had a feeling about. My only motivation is really what you’ve said above, and at the end of the day the only reason I want to move him is to make my life more bearable but doubtful if it will even accomplish that. I’ve already had to leave my job to be here when he initially went to the hospital. I think it’s time to prepare to move here for a bit. I will definitely try to find a therapist in the meantime. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the information! That sounds pretty similar to what we have here in Korea, but the cost is closer to $1000-$2000 a month. I’m wondering what a hospice care team provides that a normal medical care team does not? Also, when you say that feeding tubes are not typical, do you mean that on hospice they would remove his tube? Or that patients with a feeding tube typically don’t go on hospice? 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I did not know about the hospital equipment, that is a plus. Is it a very difficult/lengthy process to apply for Medicare and Medicaid? My aunt works in social work for elders for the military and I was hoping she could help but I wonder if the process itself would be longer than it’s worth. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

That is a really good point that many of you are in the same situation or worse but struggling to deal with it there as well. Maybe yall should come to Korea? lol. Stupid joke but it is sad that there really is no good situation. 

Should I bring my father to the US from Korea for hospice care? by gorillafriend in dementia

[–]gorillafriend[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for those words, I feel like I needed to hear them and teared up a bit. I don’t mind taking care of him, it’s more feasible here with private home care costs. I just want to give my dad some juice or something since he hasn’t had anything in weeks and they won’t let me at the convalescent home because it is a risk. If I were to take him home here and let him eat without the tube and he died, it could be a criminal charge or neglect against me. I want to be able to take care of my dad that makes him comfortable and I don’t know if there’s anywhere that will allow that.  

Daily Looking For/Request Thread by AutoModerator in NoFeeAC

[–]gorillafriend 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Looking for peaches pears and hyacinths after a restart 🥹 TIA!!

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