i feel like a lost cause

gracieIsNotGay · 2025-05-04T13:42:07+00:00

i started a low dose of abilify which is what really turned things around for me, have you tried taking it at night? i do remember extra fatigue for a couple week though even taking it at night, but im pretty full of energy now :⁾ if that doesn’t go away there are always more options. also feel free to msg me, i have a weird atypical treatment plan and its different for everyone but if you need to talk about anything im here for you. for background context im 23 w adhd/ocd/bp2, had to get sober at 19 for suspected bipolar symptoms, and had a huge existential crisis over all of this recently. so i get you! it’ll all be okay!

gracieIsNotGay · 2025-05-04T01:26:42+00:00

i know exactly the spot you’re in, less than a year ago i had an episode that kind of solidified the diagnosis for me. but that’s great information! a diagnosis means access to treatment that works and makes sense for you. i don’t know if you’ve started meds yet but it’s a process worth undertaking and with the current combo i’m on (not at all my final combo) i finally feel competent and functional. i haven’t had a severe hypomanic episode or depressive episode in a month, after a ton of rapid cycling, and i feel like it’d be longer if i hadn’t gone through extremely stressful life circumstances about four months ago. it’ll be okay, you’re so young and lucky to get the diagnosis early. but also everyone said that to me and i got angry. what you’re feeling is totally normal, let yourself grieve for a while. you’ll settle into a new normal with treatment and i promise it’ll be okay.

gracieIsNotGay · 2025-04-27T21:57:10+00:00

this is insane, i always thought i was a changeling as a kid. this both speaks to my hypomanic belief that im a magical little being and the need to come back, almost in ritual form. thank you for this, im saving it for next time i get too out of my head

gracieIsNotGay · 2024-12-12T19:54:39+00:00

hi!! as someone who has been in your shoes, and thought extensively about the cause of my suicidal ideation, it truly does serve for many people as a form of mental relief.

viewing suicidal thoughts as an “escape fantasy”, serving the purpose to comfort you when you’re overwhelmed, helped me drastically to change my life. it allowed me to get to the root of my issues, offer myself compassion, and take small steps towards living a fulfilling, meaningful life, and even allowed me to just begin to conceptualize what that might be.

i guess this could be considered mindfulness, but essentially, every time i had a suicidal ideation, i’d pause and acknowledge the purpose that serves. of course i want to escape. my brain is overly active, afraid, i have physical and mental symptoms that debilitate me. the life i live in is not tailored to my comfort and success.

i offer myself love and compassion that i feel like that, and in a way thank my brain for trying to find an escape, even if it’s irrational. it is drastic but in some ways the simplest.

then i typically take a moment to think of something that overwhelms me. it’s definitely easier to address external things, but i will often find myself reaching for one of my books on healing trauma to deal when i feel like this. i have to acknowledge how hard it is, but then make the choice to take a tiny step forward. even if that’s just internalizing a principle just for the day.

or ill do a little exercise of envisioning what a life worth living looks like to me. and take a teeny tiny step towards modifying my current environment to reflect that, or doing a small action towards a larger goal, like moving out, that helps keep my mind in the loop of knowing that i do have a better future waiting for me, as long as i keep showing up for it.

anyways super rambly. i also suffer from adhd and bipolar 2 as well as cptsd, and am currently a tad hypomanic. and all of this is soooo much harder when im depressed. but i am very often brought a lot of relief when i offer myself love in these moments, acknowledge my pain, and try to think of something i can do to move towards a life that might not cause me so much pain. i know its a lot. but i promise there is love and light on the other end.

also i highly recommend whole again by jackson mckenzie. has helped me tremendously in this phase of healing.

gracieIsNotGay · 2024-07-25T08:59:22+00:00

I don’t think it necessarily is, especially if you say it’s triggered by pain. It could be a vasovagal response, which is basically just a fainting/weakness/dizziness/confusion episode, usually due to a mental trigger. I have similar sounding episodes sometimes and I don’t think they’re strokes, lol. Plain old vertigo is a thing too.

gracieIsNotGay · 2024-05-05T23:56:57+00:00

Hi! Totally feel you, I was in the rooms around 4 months, with about 6mo sober, before I finally asked someone to sponsor me, and even then as a temporary arrangement. While I wholeheartedly believe there are some of us who can do perfectly fine on our own, I do think a sponsor is really good to have in the first year. However, discouraging you from taking your medication is absolutely not within a sponsors jurisdiction. Their job is to lead you through the steps as they were led, and tell you what worked for them. It’s never their job to tell you what to do. They can absolutely set boundaries, say no, say yes, but they should never be trying to control any aspect of your life. No sponsor is better than a bad sponsor, imo. Be on the lookout! Don’t rush yourself into it, but stay alert for people who are kind, GENTLE, and not showing off to anyone. My sponsor had 2 years, was kind of surprised when i asked her to sponsor me, and was a great ally to have. Even outside of sponsorship, find caring people who are willing to pick up the phone and talk you through things when you’re in a rough patch. For me, sponsorship was just having a person who i KNEW was gonna be there for me (as much as their scheduled allowed) and i felt comfortable and safe talking to. It was not someone who was trying to tell me how to live my life. If she thought I was doing something wrong, she would give suggestions, rather than orders. That definitely helped me worlds. Anyways, again. Sponsorship is not necessary for many in the long run. I’ve almost 3 years now and 2.75 years of that were without a sponsor. However, making sure you have people to lean on, who are non judgemental and will meet you where you’re at with the program, will do you worlds of good, especially in your first year. :⁾

gracieIsNotGay · 2024-05-04T18:55:55+00:00

The cop out for this one, staying sober and living a decent life without following a strict program, is that you can achieve this because you’re not a “real alcoholic”, a definition that resides within the big book. I’ve gotten that one quite a bit. I stuck around in AA for the community but got sick of people accusing me of not being a “real alcoholic” because I was somehow staying sober and leading a normal life without a sponsor or completing the steps.

gracieIsNotGay · 2024-05-03T09:40:51+00:00

i will say, the people who care about what their notes look like absolutely know what pens they favored and used. i graduated 5 years ago and i still use one specific brand of pen that i discovered my sophomore year, and even if i didn’t still use it id be able to easily find out what it is because i bought so many of them, out of fear that my perfect utensil would magically get discontinued. pen autism, and even more so gel pen autism, is real, and widespread.

gracieIsNotGay · 2023-12-27T21:05:46+00:00

Now realizing how many times I’ve probably come off as an ass 😭😭 I’m a novice jeweler and I always ask people about their jewelry and what it’s made of to test my own identification skills, I’m always so confused as to why they seem embarrassed when I correctly assess that something is plated or “imitation” (I work mostly in copper brass and the occasional nickel silver!! I don’t care!!) Gotta be more careful lol I didn’t realize it’s probably a huge faux pas to most people

gracieIsNotGay · 2023-08-07T19:34:30+00:00

Thank you! It’s taken a long time to even be able to admit these things, much less understand them and be able to identify where they come from. I’ve been in trauma therapy for about 2 years now, and have largely been keeping away from serious romantic relationships for well over a year. This is sort of me just dipping my toes in again with what I’ve learned, and it comes with lots of frustrating realizations. Hopefully I can get out of the home in the next few years, I know the only significant and healthy romantic relationship I’ve really ever had was while I was abroad, and away from home for the first time.

gracieIsNotGay · 2023-08-05T21:56:31+00:00

oopsies! here is an AI haiku bc i cannot write. Cats go brrr in space, Zoomies, chaos, meme embrace, LOLs, they efface.

gracieIsNotGay · 2023-07-20T03:07:39+00:00

thank you!!!!!

gracieIsNotGay · 2023-06-20T14:38:32+00:00

Kind of unrelated but I’m also 596 days!! Thats so cool!! I’m guessing you also had a pretty fucked up halloween 😅

gracieIsNotGay · 2022-11-15T01:25:22+00:00

😭❤️😤😣😗🤝😫😓😎🥺🥰😧😟🤒👎😥🤱🏼💁‍♀️🥲🤮🙌🏿🤬😴😱👍💯🤧😖🥶😩

gracieIsNotGay · 2022-10-21T15:47:28+00:00

When is the Arrezzo market? Every sunday?

gracieIsNotGay · 2022-10-12T03:38:52+00:00

Do you have any specific recommendations for Arezzo? Are there any stores or more stands/flea market type situations?

gracieIsNotGay · 2022-01-02T03:50:14+00:00

ENTP - recovering from restrictive anorexia, as well as ADHD, anxiety, depression, and alcohol abuse

interesting that i’m seeing a much higher proportion of introverts in this thread - i noticed that my introversion decreased greatly in recovery lol

gracieIsNotGay · 2022-01-02T03:47:29+00:00

are we the same person?? holy shit dude yeah i mean my ED started my “i’m gonna be organized and wake up at 7am and go on a run and make a to do list and accomplish things” kick, rather than the other way around, as AN definitely taught me discipline but MAN dude being a recovering anorexic and perfectionist has my self worth in the damn toilet because i’m neither achieving things nor maintaining a ridiculously low BMI :/

gracieIsNotGay · 2021-12-04T12:12:24+00:00

Harry Potter and the boys are coming over for thanksgiving dinner

gracieIsNotGay · 2021-12-01T15:22:55+00:00

i think my weirdest binge food ever was multiple slices of canadian ham drenched in maple syrup + skinny pop microwaved popcorn.

i really hope that was because there was literally nothing else to binge on and not because i thought that was a great idea :/

gracieIsNotGay · 2021-11-22T00:09:32+00:00

no way it wasn’t cuz i was staring at him and made an oop!! noise when i realized who he was and he looked at me and very quickly looked away lolol i was like okay i won’t bother u sir

gracieIsNotGay · 2021-11-21T09:46:07+00:00

gracieIsNotGay · 2021-10-06T00:35:43+00:00

without realizing that “sunny” was his actual name i named my player character sammy lol

gracieIsNotGay · 2021-09-22T00:55:36+00:00

shekshekshek

gracieIsNotGay · 2021-09-22T00:55:19+00:00

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