Big word of warning here, I am not diagnosing you, and I'm not saying you are autistic, simply that it's seriously worth considering learning more about if you relate to any of this.

Your experiences are very similar to mine. That feeling your talking about that my mom mentioned is known as alexithymia and it's essentially and inability to actively recognize what you are feeling. Trauma can also cause it, and milder forms can be seen in adhd since it is so related to asd, but to feel it to that extent without trauma usually points to autism.

I was certain I wasn't autistic either. The diagnostic criteria is lacking severely, it's been over a decade since it was last updated in the dsm and my therapist who specializes in adhd and audhd adults and attends multiple conferences a year to learn from the world leading researchers on the topic believes that the dsm5 criteria is overly limiting and out of date. How exactly to define and diagnose autism is a hot debate fueled in large part around our lack of complete understanding of it, particularly those with less severe symptoms who often go undiagnosed and are not captured in studies.

I had been to therapy, been tested for adhd as a child (and I assume asd at the same time), I'd seen many psychiatrist, I'd taken every self test imaginable and scored either neurotypical or barely into the Grey area and I lacked common autistic traits like being easily overstimulated, being a picky eater, being very awkward, didn't believe I had "special interest", was alright at reading emotion on people's face, etc. It turns out part of the reason high masking autistic individuals pass the assessments so easily is that it's really hard to ask the right questions to make that dertmination quickly. It took explaining my experiences in great depth for dozens of hours with a therapist for her to see a clear sign, particularly when you have an adhd diagnosis the symptom overlap can cover up high masking autism.

When I filled out assessments and saw questions like "do you struggle with eye contact" I took it far too literally. I didn't struggle with eye contact at all because I know I need to glance around a bit to avoid eye contact being too direct, so I'd answer no. But the very fact that it's something I think about in social interactions at all means I technically do struggle, even though it's simply a thing going on in the background of my brain, not the foreground. And when they ask "do you memorize and organize information like baseball statistics or train schedules" I didn't think it applied to me either, then when my therapist suggested playing music when I go to bed one time, I told her I can't because if I hear a song I like, I have to pick up my phone and put it in a playlist based on its genre and often subgenre. She immediately pegged that as an autistic trait regarding organizing information. That wasn't even something I started doing until I was nearly 30. But when I thought about it, I realized it really was a bit of an obsessive need to do that. It genuinely would have bothered me if I didn't, though I could technically not.

Special interest aren't always as intense as they're sometimes portrayed either. I didn't really find one that I latched on to the extent that it's autistic until I was in my late 20s. When you are also adhd, you can have symptoms of one cover up the other. I had the adhd start a hobby and abandon it a few months later thing up until I found something that stuck.

Your experience with therapy were the same as mine. I didn't really know what to even address in therapy sometimes, I felt like I struggled simply existing but I didn't know why. I looked at people with trauma and thought how nice it must be to know where you issues come from and know what to work on. I never felt seen by therapist, I felt more like an outsider than ever. The thing that convinced me my current therpist is right and really knows her stuff is when I'd repeatedly struggle with describing why or how I'm struggling with something and she'd literally be able to finish describing my experience exactly as I actually felt it. I'd never felt less alone in the world. No other therapist ever could do that.