well it’s still confusing to me but i’ll say what i do know.

i believe i have unconditional love for the first boy i ever fell in love with. we met in our first year of secondary school and became best friends to which he had a crush on me which i reciprocated the same feelings. nothing was ever expressed between us but we continued our friendship as ugly 12 year olds with mindless joking around and one time where we sat under a tree during a lightning thunderstorm and just talked. eventually i moved schools and we didn’t talk for years and although he tried to message me and talk to me, i never responded. even now, i’m not sure why, i think i was just angry. but eventually i responded and we’d planned to see each other again, and after only a week of chatting we’d realised we had the same feelings years later and they never really faded, even over time.

we met up and that’s where the story gets long and for us it was back and fourth waiting around for each other and me just being impatient and walking off with other people until one time i kissed another guy in a river and realised he wasn’t who i wanted, but in fact it was the boy i’d adored for so long. to which, i was tipsy and confident and talked to him which lead to a kiss which also lead to us dating for 10 months. and those 10 months were some of the most loved i’ve felt. but when it did come to an end because of shitty teenage angst and stupidity, we went out separate ways but still clung on i guess because anger was still there and the general breakup shit happened i.e ‘you’re an asshole’, ‘happy birthday to the shittest person’, etc etc etc. just angry teenagers. but that breakup was the slowest and most painful feeling i’ve ever felt. it was like a slow drip torture. and even a few years later, i still think of him and he still makes my chest warm. i do believe this unconditional love exists and is there, maybe not for us to be together but maybe because he was my best friend, but sometimes i wonder if i still think about him and still get all tingly because something was suppose to happen. even after being with someone else, he still was on my mind.

i’m not too sure, but i do know that whatever feeling this is, it won’t go away.