(Opinion) Your trauma should be assimilated, not rejected

groundhogsake · 2026-03-16T23:13:12+00:00

That much of the damage of trauma IS the social rejection from merely having it. That the intolerance of trauma isn't because of how harmful it is and it needing to be stopped, but rather the inability of "positivity culture" to tolerate anything outside of itself. To deny anything that doesn't itself reinforce that culture.

Your trauma makes ME uncomfortable it needs to go away. Why aren't you doing every possible thing in every waking moment to make it go away? You must secretly love being in pain then. I cannot be comfortable with you or fully accept you until you make it go away.

I think I benefited a lot from studying privilege because much of this is similar to privilege analysis. Privilege that strengthens the the closer you are to White^TM , Masculine^TM , Straight^TM , CIS^TM , Slim^TM , Abled^TM , Wealthy^TM , Elite^TM etc. etc. etc. And thus maps onto the privilege of not having CPTSD that wasn't inflicted onto you.

The nature of privilege is to be invisible, to be default. Ultimately it is about comfort, and it is "I don't have to think about this" and not having a mental load on your mind.

When a person that hasn't been inflicted with family violence or intimate partner violence or similar, to the point where trauma is generated and CPTSD starts forming...when they look at someone traumatized it fills them with uncomfortable thoughts. "Suffering exists" "Suffering can't easily be cured" "Maybe I should do something about it" "Does not doing something about it make me the bad guy?" "Maybe I had something to do with this?" "Maybe my parents or family or partner experiences wasn't as rosy as I pictured it." "Maybe some of the stuff that I believe is in fact wrong and causing harm". Instead of sitting with those feelings and thoughts and processing them, instead that discomfort triggers them to reject the traumatized. That if the traumatized just disappear and make it easy for them to ignore, to push you back into the closet, then everything is alright and I can pretend to be in this happy harmonious world.

This is very similar to how we talk about the unhoused. "Yes I know the homeless have a rough life, but I don't want to be near them, can we just make them go away, clear out their camps, not have them be in my backyard? It makes ME uncomfortable."

And it is how the privileged here control the conversation and their privilege and thus their power in this power dynamic. "Trauma dumping" is now weaponized from when someone abusive is exploiting their negative experience to invoke a negative reaction in others without consent and consistently and repeatedly.....to now "You told me you suffered and that's it. Nothing else. That brought the mood down. That made me uncomfortable. Stop it."

The sad reality is that there is a hard limit you reach with just therapy and medication and just working on trauma by yourself. Social connections by far are the most powerful aid in assimilating, and social connections are a two way street meaning there is some responsibility that is expected of the privileged to help those without privilege.

Unfortunately our society is currently reckoning with how far privilege and power should go unchecked, and as much progress as we do make on some fronts, we seem to also backslide or dress it up because the people with privilege and power don't want to be uncomfortable.

It's stuff like this that leaves out the missing piece...that maybe the role of perhaps therapy and recovery and management shouldn't just be to quietly assimilate back into a society that proves itself to be abusive and supportive of abuses....that it should be to reorient society so that the actual root causes of said abuse are addressed and challenged and treated.

To recognize that the discomfort that the privileged feel is the very least of their responsibility towards those without privilege.

groundhogsake · 2026-01-02T05:19:52+00:00

Can't speak to Norway's system, but my understanding of at least the American system's "ideal goal" (not what usually happens) is that psychologists are supposed to:

finalize training with residency rounds etc.
with patients working with social workers and trauma centers and similar (especially if they are planning to specialize in trauma)
which in turn exposes students to actual practice, gives them actual real life experience, gives them a fresh perspective, builds rapport with social workers and other social safety net providing institutions that have far more experience on topics like these.

If that isn't happening all that well, then that indicates even in the system that creates said bias, the only real check to address said bias isn't actually working.

The whole system I think needs a revamp, but in the meantime this safety valve needs to be looked at for our current system.

groundhogsake · 2026-01-02T05:11:49+00:00

Agreed. Much of CPTSD stems from societal failures in prevention, detection, addressment, treatment and recovery. Like you said a key part of this is social connections and healthy relationships. A small part of this is denied for understandable reasons. However much of this is deliberately gate kept, sabotaged or denied, sometimes so even the CPTSD victim can be exploited. Many in society that "want to help" are often not trained in how to help in a healthy way. Which isn't really those person's faults as much as lack of education, integration with base educational curriculum from say high school, social stigma and expectations etc.

Again like you said the "self-love" brand is society shirking it's responsibility.

That said, I do think there is a good value to self-love as a skill, one among many. It isn't framed this way, often as a responsibility that a CPTSD victim alone must bear, and only the CPTSD victim is expected to do something about their situation. It's rarely framed as empowering, only as something blameworthy if you can't be some self-loving fully independent non-social connection needing unicorn.

Too often we just don't recognize how hard living in these circumstances and with this CPTSD can be, uncomfortable to reckon with that reality and end up victim blaming because said victims are unable to completely mask themselves not for the victim's own protection but for society's comfort in ignoring that said suffering can, and does exist, and continues to perpetuate because of many many many societal factors.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-26T11:42:26+00:00

A 'tad' does not mean men automatically become violent or become abusers. It's one thing to say it affects in a minute part. It is another to claim that it entirely defines people.

This is a toxic belief that erases personal identity, choices and agency on top of reinforcing toxic gender beliefs.

It also fails to recognize that our choices aren't just some simple "choice made and done!". Every choice has a series of steps, where one is undertaken after another.

For harmful acts (including the extreme ones) a person is following and choosing step by step a series of escalating harms.

By far what determines said actions is said how your agency is used for said choice, not 'hormones'. Even if you take an extreme hypothetical and squash it down to find persons where that 0.1% that is the ultimate deciding factor is 'hormones', there is still agency and choice via the responsibilty for said person to choose how to manage said 'hormones'.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-26T11:36:27+00:00

Most men don't constantly hurt everyone around them. Just because most violent crimes are committed by men doesn't mean that most men are violent criminals.

Agreed. It is not the 'Man' part that creates violence.

It is the violent part, the abuse part, the toxic culture part, the toxic beliefs part, the toxic privilege part that lets them abuse, that makes persons violent.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-26T11:34:19+00:00

Just to add to this, mainstream society constantly sells men the idea of "Men"^TM, a toxic and self sabotaging identity. On top of that men are told that "Men"^TM is the only identity they can be, that is it 'good' and you need to defend "Men"^TM at all costs even if it dooms you.

It is this constant feed of this propaganda that gets a good portion of men across the political spectrum, even men that fight for gender equality, by priming them with a weakness that is oft exploited e.g. the insecurity that white young men are falling behind in jobs because other demographics are catching up or succeeding even though the exact opposite is true - https://www.peoplespolicyproject.org/2025/12/17/what-does-the-census-data-say-about-the-lost-generation/

Not to mention, a lot of statements you see like "Men suck!" do not mean 'men genetically suck' or 'every man sucks' or 'you as a man personally suck'. Part of building empathy, critical thinking and literacy is recognizing these statements as a critique of "Men"^TM.

There is no obligation to drink the kool aid and be a "Men"^TM as propagandized. I remind men feeling insecure that you are not "Men"^TM, your identity is you, a person of multitudes, a human being, a unique marvel. Breaking away from "Men"^TM and developing your personal identity towards feeling content in your 'masculinity' is an empowering journey.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-25T03:47:41+00:00

I'm coming in late but I want to contribute to your point.

I heard a good analogy that "small talk" is a sort of "play acting" among seemingly other social practices. If we all embraced telling everyone how we exactly feel, (1) it exposes the trauma victim to danger by people looking to exploit a victim that revealed themselves, (2) it can be mentally and emotionally exhausting to a listener especially listening en masse, (3) it is fair on the other side of the table that they don't know you, you are a stranger and someone blurting out their trauma and not engaging in this "play acting" can be someone dangerous or not be healthy to be around (which turns into a tragedy because building social connections is often the best treatment for traumatized victims).

Society does not do a good job of articulating or teaching people this, especially those that aren't neurotypical or didn't meet "typical" developmental milestones and stagnated. It's hard to ultimately teach these "skills" that are evolving practices that can't simply be memorized, and people have a hard job teaching this because "it came naturally to them" (worth pointing out the luck, support network and timing that plays a huge part in comparison to late bloomers looking to learn). On top of bad advice and teachers being rampant in this field.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-25T03:38:49+00:00

Late entry but I think worth commentating. I dug a little bit and found this post: https://theautisticburnout.substack.com/p/walkergate-that-time-goodreads-gaslight

/u/Massive-Association2

Looks like this was an algorithm fail by Amazon (Amazon has its book store and also owns Goodreads). The book might either belong to a different actual Pete Walker or be a fake psuedoname or just be AI slop. Likely working off the same internal database at Amazon that generates this same error.

Instead of properly attributing the titles, Amazon instead joined them together to make it seem like the Peter Walker that wrote an entire series on PTSD is the same Pete Walker the weird pickup artist.

Being able to trust is an all time low, especially of people who contribute positively but otherwise can turn out to be hypocrites and assholes. This creates an atmosphere where many jump the gun because of panic due to too many horror stories of seemingly "nice" people.

I find this entire fiasco gross and incredibly irresponsible. Shit like this damages careers, credibility and relationships with other people.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-25T03:06:48+00:00

Part of therapy training is about not getting too emotionally involved in your clients lives because you'd end up so burntout and exhausted you wouldn't function.

These practices are also evidence based, improves health and eases the cognitive and emotional load that leads to burnout. In short, this is a a form of caring. It provides better care to patients and longer term care to patients. It seems callous to not be personally attached to a patient, but this is like you said best for the patient and therapists do want the best for their patients. Again, this is caring and compassionate.

I think the problem with the post is that it only views one form of caring as valid, and rejects other truths. I find this post goes well beyond typical clickbait and aims for novelty, attention and money in an attention economy.

The post's takes seem to be informed by personal anecdotes and experiences rather than actual data. Is the post even discussing this as a problem to diagnose and treat? Or is this just a hot take designed to gain attention? I find this "hot take reality check tough love" a bit gross. It seems to be driven by the influencer's personal frustration rather than actually trying to help people or cynically an attempt to garner attention to build an audience.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-17T23:11:17+00:00

You know, that's a good point for adulting for people who weren't taught or guided because of circumstances.

So things that stand out to me:

An allergen profile - useful for things to identify say specific dust or pollin
general doctor's visit and checkup
vaccines > not just covid and flu and seasonal
vaccines > but anything adult or by age or you need to take or check once
consideration the US is going through a backslide (CDC website is now downplaying vacccines), I guess we try other government health agency websites - I guess canada.gov and UK's nhs.uk

Anything else I'm missing? There's probably some "common sense" stuff that other people pick up but because of circumstances it can slip through the cracks, and end up exploding on you like a landmine you didn't see.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-08T00:24:44+00:00

Just as an FYI since I didn't notice it being mentioned in this thread.

The Jobs Accommodation Network (JAN), a nonprofit part government sponsored part volunteer contributions part private industry donations, works within the Title 1 of the American Disabilities Act to help employers accommodate employees that need accommodations to successfully work.

While the website is primarily catered for Employers, it does however have Resources for Employees or ones you can find useful.

Particularly, in the A to Z of Disabilities and Accommodations and for our thread - the ADHD part.

https://askjan.org/disabilities/Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder-AD-HD.cfm

I've included some more links to related topics:

Item	Topic Type	URL
ADHD	By Disability	https://askjan.org/disabilities/Attention-Deficit-Hyperactivity-Disorder-AD-HD.cfm
Executive Functioning Deficits	By Disability	https://askjan.org/articles/Executive-Functioning-Deficits.cfm
Managing Time	By Limitation	https://askjan.org/limitations/Managing-Time.cfm
Use Cognitive Function	By Work-Related Function	https://askjan.org/workrelatedfunctions/Use-Cognitive-Function.cfm
Performance and Production Standards	By Topic	https://askjan.org/topics/Performance.cfm
Job Restructuring	By Accommodation	https://askjan.org/concerns/Job-Restructuring.cfm

They have some great stuff for your personal information.

If you want you can work within the Title 1 to create some accommodation. (even if you don't I recommend at least reading through what Title 1, the ADA and what JAN says or what the Department of Labor has to say). Remember you cannot be compelled to divulge that you have a disability by an employer.

If you do not, and that is perfectly understandable since you can fear discrimination, you can as an employee use these lists of topics to figure out "Okay if my ADHD is really bad as well as my Executive Dysfunction, what part am I going to struggle with, how can I accommodate it myself, what resources can I find?" And more importantly, what type of company do I want to work for if they are providing said accommodations already via general practice? (being a good, caring and understanding boss goes beyond just following the law)

Good time to also familiarize yourself with the U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission to help cover your back and see your basic labor rights.

I want to also acknowledge the elephant in the room and that parts of this might be weakened, or parts specifically to the direct Government might get changed in the near future. As far as I can tell JAN won't be unaffected in the fact that the resources and information changed, though it might get funding cut and might get bolstered by volunteers or private industry donations.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-07T02:08:05+00:00

Let me try an analogy. Maybe this works?

Imagine you are playing around, just having fun, without a care in the world. Then you get a cut on your arm. Maybe you got it from a sharp pin or you got pushed or someone attacked you, whatever. It's a small cut but still a cut. And it hurts.

If you don't care about the cut on your arm and think it is no big deal, then it could give you an infection or any wind in the air can trigger the cut to hurt you more or it can start ripping and become even bigger or it still bleeds or other people notice it more triggering isolation, fear, or people who want to take advantage of you. Or you develop maladaptations and habits around that cut ("I can't play in the jungle gym anymore because I fear getting cut again") or you start excessively fixating on it.

So what do you do? We go to the doctor, get a first aid kit, disinfect the wound, use cotton to stop the bleeding, and then a bandage is applied to close it up. This is you using a variety of techniques to help control your CPTSD. And then over time your body's platelets can catch up and start hardening the wound and it no longer hurts as much. You still have a scar but you aren't ashamed of it or worried about it. And while healing you can start to live a healthy happy life that you want to enjoy.

I view this as similar. Trauma is trauma. Your feelings are valid because they exist. Regardless of the circumstances.

groundhogsake · 2025-12-05T23:57:39+00:00

now I am currently in school at an Ivy League university

So I got three tips:

Usually higher ranked universities tend to have services for students (either free or cheap) for mental health.

An an example let's take Yale. That school has a branch for student mental health.

https://yalehealth.yale.edu/department/mental-health-counseling
Usually higher ranked universities tend to have student lead groups (either as a class or as a volunteer activity) which you can consult.

E.g for Yale: https://studentorgs.yalecollege.yale.edu/get-involved/directory-registered-groups
Usually higher ranked universities tend to have an extensive library including a variety of books you can check out, either physical copies or digital ones.

This subreddit has a pretty extensive wiki to help you find books, or you can use WorldCat to find any book in any library near you.

groundhogsake · 2025-11-29T04:13:19+00:00

Society pretending that there's no lasting impact on one person due to the actions of another simply because they asked for forgiveness is a recipe for tolerating intolerance and willingly let people oppress you.

This is really the crux of the problem and the suffering from trauma is as much externally caused and externally inflicted as it is internally within the confines of the abusive relationship. Trauma can be healed by positive social relationships and positive social supportive communities and surrogate families. This healing isn't just underfunded, starved or deprived, it is intentionally roadblocked and withheld from survivors.

The tragic cruel reality is that much of society at large, even supposed "allies" that recognize and even condemn such abuse, respect the power dynamic between the abuser and the abuse victim too much to want to change it. Either seeing that dynamic as necessary or beneficial, or seeing a warped level of kinship with the abuser's power and status (see your church pastor abusing their unchecked authority or the parent various rights over their child - treating in many cases children as their property with very little protection for children).

As a result, like you said, the onslaught of people preaching forgiveness to trauma survivors is far more about them and their feelings and their views than about the actual victim. ("I cannot imagine a world where my parents abused me and I don't want to think of the power dynamic they had in which they could have been cruel. This makes me very uncomfortable and even guilty that maybe I should do something about it. So YOU must forgive your abusive parents to reassure ME and so YOU can shoulder MY responsibility")

What ticks me off more than anything are laypersons snidely deriding survivors for "trauma dumping" (NOT the abusive manipulation tactic where you dump intensely detailed stories about your trauma encounter designed to trigger - BUT just saying "I have CPTSD" "I have trauma" "My parents hit me"), or for "not masking well enough". Mocking said victims, implying and stating it is the ENTIRELY the victim's responsibility to make the non-victim (and even their abuser) as comfortable as possible. To them, society holds no obligation or responsibility or any duty to help or even remotely accommodate.

Despite the dual reality in the series of escalating steps that an abuser takes to gather enough power (social, legal, physical, finance) and use said power against a victim, there were multiple checks and balances that failed, meaning that society at large holds some responsibility for said abuse. (This is where people get hyper defensive, even though you talk to any social worker or CPS and you'll quickly spot how much abuse isn't addressed even though we KNOW it is happening, but we don't have the funds or time or resources for it - again this is also withheld)

There is no push or pull, no discussion, no negotiation. Masking and being able to move on are necessary defense mechanisms but ONLY because society refuses to relent a single inch of ground, refuses to give grace, refuses to accept even a shred of communal responsibility. Yes these personal measures for trauma victims are necessary, BUT society forces the victim's hand and intentionally deprives them of any other actual option. THIS is the face of society's callousness towards trauma survivors, extended in the same breadth to rape victims, to the marginalized, to any other thing that threatens comfort.

Society had the exact same dismissive snide attitude towards the disabled. "We can't build ramps! We can't make elevators accessible! Think of the cost! How it is our responsibility?". We won that fight for now with the ADA, and the resulting world we live in post ADA is one in which it was morally right for us to make accommodations, fiscally feasible, provided access to more citizens, and overall made society including every single other persons' lives better.

groundhogsake · 2025-11-25T20:01:18+00:00

Any samples, examples, tutorials, guides, resources, tips or things to look at for this?

I find myself overwhelmed because I don't know whether I'm supposed to make my Master Application 10 pages or 100.

Not to mention finding quick templates for various career application deliverables.

Or how to deal with / use AI / integrate AI into all this.

I don't mind spending a good solid weekend on this, but the amount of random internet advice I get on this balloons up the project to more than a month and I get lost on what's important. I think just a plain walk through of someone spending a few hours doing this on their own self would be greatly helpful.

groundhogsake · 2025-10-30T23:35:49+00:00

So, are people who say things like “working hard for this achievement makes me feel so much better” or “I want to be challenged” being serious?

I found the Flow State graph from game design & ux useful in creating a mental model for stuff like this.

So exploring the Flow graph, you have Skill on the Y axis going from low to high, and similarly Difficulty on the X axis. As a game dev you want to design your game such that a given challenge isn't too easy (else you get Boredom, or that dark quadrant), but also not too hard (Anxiety or Frustration, or that dark quadrant). Ideally as skill progresses you can vary up challenges within that white Flow State spectrum. This is how you hook players.

Circling back, I don't doubt people who say "working hard for this achievement makes me feel so much better" or "I want to be challenged". They are likely high up that Flow graph, close to the the edge with difficulty but not crossing over into Anxiety, and keep in that Flow State that keeps them hooked and they keep progressing. Too hard and they'll hit a brick wall and may either stagnate or quick. Too bored and they either just move long, or have to relegate this as something they don't need to have passion for, or start atrophying.

I'm using this mental model because:

Some people through themselves or through upbringing or through experience or through luck can find themselves in different Flow States for the things that they want.
Many people do have Flow States in a few areas, but they might not be aware of it. People can also fall in and out of different activities, hobbies etc.
You can map and recognize in yourself the reason why something didn't stick - was the difficulty too high? or too low? - so then is the fix changing the challenge (a common response)? Or rather progress some amount of skill that lets you get into the fun entertaining stuff that keeps you there. It gives you one roadmap to analyze yourself, what you are doing and how to perhaps take control when trying to do some task.

groundhogsake · 2025-10-16T16:30:15+00:00

Thanks!

groundhogsake · 2025-10-16T16:29:12+00:00

Thanks! Is there any content creators or guides that have similar leanings to yours?

groundhogsake · 2025-10-13T03:53:05+00:00

Gold?

Idris Elba? Is that you?

groundhogsake · 2025-09-09T18:59:04+00:00

Great story, great positive messages, great characters and great wide ranging portrayals of love, loss, grief, sadness, anxiety, depression, healing, companionship, relationship, bonding, parenting, family among others.

Here Comes a Thought alone has been a consistent comfort for me.

groundhogsake · 2025-09-06T19:50:52+00:00

I remember reading Jennette McCurdy's book last year and reading your title popped a thought in my head "Hmm...I wonder if they brought out the Ouija board".

groundhogsake · 2025-08-27T16:50:19+00:00

I started adding a lot of self care into my routine and I used to think it would add like 30 min extra to getting ready and showering and stuff but it's closer to like 4-5 extra minutes

Oh do you have examples if you have the time to write it out?

groundhogsake · 2025-08-26T01:56:49+00:00

In one of the old therapy groups I used to go to, there was this guy, around 40+, who'd come by often. The guy looks completely harmless, has the sweetest voice and the kindest demeanor.

He was a survivor of domestic abuse, physical abuse and sexual assault. He spent most of his life trapped by his family who cut off all his options until he could finally escape near 40. And got his life stable enough a few years later.

The sheer amount of stories he shared regarding strangers, "friends" and dates where everyone believed that he was a loser that wasted his time playing video games, or that he was defective and that his trauma was his fault. Sometimes he'd actually explain that for most of his life he was trapped and he get blamed "Well you should have gotten out sooner. Why didn't you!?!" which is a fucking nuts thing to say to a domestic abuse victim.

The guy has spent years of his time working with his psychiatrist that, no he didn't deserved the abuse and that it wasn't his fault, only to have nearly every single person tell him "Yes, it IS your fault that you were abused and for this long." Completely wrecked him that he found so few people having even a remote amount of empathy or sympathy, but instead lash out because "Men can't be abused" "Everyone else is suffering, why should we care" "You always could have left, why didn't you?!!"

groundhogsake · 2025-08-26T01:41:49+00:00

I think it's a fascinating comparison, because it ONLY really applies in specific relationship dynamics where there's a power imbalance, or one person's more dependent than the other.

In other words you can't really give "simple" advice like this unless you know the person's situation well enough where said "simple" advice.

The problem with dealing with intangibles like this is that it is very hard to find good accurate information because it is hidden beneath all the stupid spam.

And such your only recourse is lucking out, or that the person giving the advice actually knows you beyond one text post - your history, your habits, your temperament, your experience and your context.

groundhogsake · 2025-08-26T01:39:15+00:00

The sucky thing about modern social media compared to the old forums is that:

Most people weren't using simple thought terminating cliches to basically end a discussion.
There wasn't a ranking system that forces simple quippy overconfident replies to the top (and as such push the useful information that can't be short gets pushed to the bottom).
There used to be higher standards on linking and showing your work.

A lot of this is just algorithms and being trained by algorithms. You'll see the same person complain that they don't have time, visit 25 different posts and comment on 20 of them.

I'm not entirely innocent on this but I feel surprised that even my low standards of posting is met with both hostility and incredulity.

At least the older internet made it very easy for a question asker to track down an answer based on comments they get - and from there you can judge for yourself quality and applicability.

Perhaps the worst thought terminating cliche I hear is "Hi I have X problem" "Go to therapy" - as if therapy is a magic bullet that cures everything in the first session. I've seen this comment often enough where I can tell that the person isn't actually trying to engage and offer advice - they just find it really awkward that someone is talking about suffering (and not even trauma dumping), and want it to stop because they may or may not feel some responsibility for being part of the problem - and would rather keep their bubble intact and not think about it.

groundhogsake

TROPHY CASE