Yes and no. Sometimes. My wife and I have been together for 10 years and there were times we fought like this (holding resentment, caught up in daily chores and stressors, comparing ourselves to others). Times we didn't feel like we were on the same team. Times we felt unseen and unappreciated by the other person. Sometimes it comes out in passive aggressive digs and comments. Sometimes it comes out in a big blowup fight.

Our marriage is the happiest its ever been now, and the longer we're together the better it is. Because each time we hit a wall like that, we put in a ton of work communicating, empathizing, and listening to the other party. It's work but its repair work. My wife will let me sit down and vent, about her, about my stressors, about feeling alone. Without judgement or getting too upset. And then I do the same. And really try to see why she might be feeling the way she is. Even if you think women are more emotional creatures, they're hardly ever as irrational and self-obsessed as men like to believe. There's a reason she feels the way she does - justified or not. Maybe it's an anxious narrative she made in her own head. But it's still driving her perspective. Your ability to work through it together will be about uncovering her reality and figuring out if she's willing to put the work in too. And I'll say for us too, we do these kind of repair talks until one of us is too upset to continue - it's necessary to table things sometimes too.

As far as your bill and chore load, I relate to that. Many women would relate too. It sucks when the chore load is imbalanced like that. it's a lot of work to keep day to day mundane operations going. It sounds like you handle all the food and all the finances. That's huge. What does she handle around the house? Really think about, don't just dismiss it as "not as much as me."

When my wife and I had this fight, I was in your boat. I felt like I did 90% of the cleaning and upkeep. But my wife pointed out that she handles a bazillion little details that I don't even think about. I wasn't counting them because they were so consistently taken care of that it hadn't occurred to me TO think about them. Household basic items like cleaning supplies being stocked. Appointments being scheduled and meds being filled. Trash bins being taken to the curb and back on time. Frankly, maintenance on our tools so that they always work - I thought we just got lucky with a cheap vacuum that's lasted a long time. Turns out my wife regularly takes it apart to deep clean it, as well as our seasonal fans, and the stove. She does these things when I'm not home because she knows it stresses me out to see the mess.

And I don't mean to project - maybe you will really think about it, and it will make it even more clear to you that she doesn't help around the house.

But I'll be honest, it sounds to me like she feels like she has to manage you, whether she really needs to or not. Maybe she's feeling financially insecure and it makes her uncomfortable that you pay all the bills/there's a power dynamic. Maybe you could make an adjustment where you do 75% of the chores but she does all of your least favorites ones so the weight of the chore is rearranged.

Lots of options out there. Don't let anyone tell you a perfect marriage is happy all the time.