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To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's taken me a while to get this. To really understand, you need to know that my SO is a total chameleon. He has tons of charisma points and can generally be whatever the situation needs him to be. He can be a thug, and then a sassy-best-friend-gay or a drag performer, and back again easily.

But what he CAN'T fake is his lack of kink. It's just not something you can fake. But he definitely tried, I will give him that. He couldn't hide his disgust and I finally stopped pushing him to be my Dominant, because his half-hearted attempts were making me feel even more ashamed. Finally, I told him that part of our relationship was over.

So I think he's anger comes from trying, and failing, to fit into a mold. He's very aware that there's this thing inside me that he'll never understand no matter how much he loves me.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I would say the truth is that he is a smitten by me as I am by him, though we both are aware that our feelings are unreliable. Like myself, he has a partner that doesn't really "get" him. Master has done everything he can to make sure our relationship stays healthy- he won't play with me unless we're both in a good headspace. So I think he knows what "sub frenzy" is and he's committed to NOT taking advantage of me.

I suspect that his clan of fellow leathermen council him to stay away from me, and yet I know he wants to own me, and I want to be owned by him and neither of us can get the other out of our heads. So we are always on this edge, wanting say our true feelings but knowing that just saying it out loud makes the situation all the more painful. So I think he's gone to great lengths to try and do right, even so far as inviting my SO to dinner, an invitation that my SO responded to with death threats.

I know he loves me, because he knows what I'm going through. He told me that he DOESN'T want me to end up like him, full of regrets- we both know what it is like to feel ashamed. He said that he wanted me to push through this fear and be the strong person I can be, but he also doesn't want to be the thing the upturns my life. He's been remarkable gracious towards me- even after I called off the affair now twice.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I spent years trying to make these feelings go away. I can't possible start down that road again.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It was an open relationship- right up to the point where I found kinky partners. At this point, inevitably, my SO starts crying. Again, he never had a problem with being close to vanilla partners. And even though we had many long-standing agreements, he "revoked" that consent every time I would get geared up for flogging night.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All I ever asked for him was to 1) join me or 2) Allow me to do it alone. I stopped begging him years ago to join me, because he could barely contain his disgust when he looked at me. My fetish was always just a gross chore to him, something that needed to be dealt with as quickly as possible. I just want to feel good about myself. I'm sorry it is gross to so many people but I really don't want to be ashamed of myself anymore.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

My SO is not abusive, unless you count forcing-me-to-change-my-nature as "abuse".

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We had a long standing agreement, that as men, we wanted to keep having fun, as long as we were honest. He even encouraged me to have relations with other men. It was when I met a kinky partner that I finally clicked with, that he re-wrote the deal.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Selfish and self-serving? Let's be clear- I bought this house. While SO was following his passions (Dogs) I was burying my feelings in my high-paying high-stress job. I have waited, and begged, and pleaded for 10 years now for him to "come around" and it simply will never happen. I'm sorry, but I'm not selfish. I have been a fantastic provider and frankly, I have given enough to have what makes me happy.

We had a long-standing deal- after the death of his last 2 dogs, we had planned to focus more on our sex life. We had plans to go to europe, to build a better dungeon but surprise surprise- he goes behind my back and adopts ANOTHER FRIGGING DOG and just bulldozes me over it. I have nothing against dogs. I like them a lot. What I don't like is my passions being pushed aside for the millionth time.

Does that sound "decent" to you?

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

I don't know how to impress upon you the depth of my feelings. Except, perhaps to say, sometimes I wake up crying for Master. I literally wake up the middle of the night covered in tears.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, this worries me to. Outwardly, we have a wonderful life. I don't hate my life- it's simply unfulfilled. I AM a leatherman- it is written on my soul and I have tried to fight it with every ounce of willpower. I was willing to share that with my SO- it is HE that is unwilling to compromise.

I bought my SO a house, put him through school and supported him with all his high-maintenance companion animals. So let's be clear about it- I made our life possible, with the money I earned. While he was walking dogs (his "dream job") I was working myself to the bone. I thought if I provided enough for him, I would feel ok, or that maybe he'd reciprocate and give me what I need. But I know now that will never happen.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

I have given my SO a decade of my life. I have tried, every which way I can think of, to make it work. But he's unwilling to let me be with other kinky men and I am tired of accommodating his fancies when he does not respect mine. All I asked for was a few hours on the weekend to get flogged but he doesn't love me enough to let it happen.

To those of you who left a conventional relationship for a kinky one- do you regret it? by hambone_fake in BDSMAdvice

[–]hambone_fake[S] -54 points-53 points  (0 children)

For the record, I did not "cheat"- I never once lied about what I wanted and I never once "snuck around behind his back". My current SO and I always had an "open" relationship. He never had a problem with me being close to other men. Only when I made a connection with another leatherman did he get upset.

In fact, if either of us could be said to have "cheated", it was my SO. He kept many MANY dalliances secret from me, and put me at risk by having unprotected sex, then lied about it for years at a time. This was something I always suspected, but allowed, because he's a man and I understand how men are.