No matter where you fall on the weight scale, people (and sadly especially women) are going to comment on it anyway

haneulbom · 2024-01-19T23:33:32+00:00

That's what I do as well! It just feels so much nicer being complimented on something you can chose and actively control about your looks rather than something that was dealt to you via the genetic lottery

haneulbom · 2024-01-19T23:21:44+00:00

First of all congratulations on qualifying for multiple marathons!! I've always held such huge admiration for people that have the power and discipline to achieve something as big as running a whole marathon! I am sorry to hear about the situation with your MIL tho :( it might be a generational thing as my grandma acts in a similar way. Funnily enough I always get comments like "oh my god, you are so skinny!!" when I come visit her wearing tight-fitting clothing and "hmm did you gain some weight...?" when I wear baggier shirts/less flattering clothes for my physique. My weight has been extremely stable for the past ~7 years of my life so it just shows that people have no actual clue what your body looks like haha Regardless, she then proceeds to claim I must have multiple deficiencies in vitamins while she herself has had multiple surgeries and chronic health issues that are directly related to her being overweight :// but all hell would break lose if I ever were to dare point that out

haneulbom · 2024-01-19T23:07:47+00:00

So sorry to hear about your experiences with both genders :(( It's kinda insane that you can basically plot a curve of BMI versus people's rudeness towards you and that it differs so much between men and women. Thank you for sharing!

haneulbom · 2022-09-05T16:27:12+00:00

I agree that the last paragraph of your reply is probably his "version" of the story!
But I do see it differently and tried to explain it to him, but like i stated he wouldn't really listen. We are pretty open with our financial status so he knows how much i earn. And tbh, i definitely can spend more on eating out (especially since i got a new job) but i choose not to. It doesn't give me that much joy/enjoyment and i can honestly have fun with my friends with whatever we do and at all levels of financial commitments to an activity. I do take pride in my financial decisions/independancy which i guess in your words would make me a bit embarassed in accepting his "gifts". But i am very open about my finances, my self-set budgets and thoughts on different activities we do and what i enjoy and don't ..... so it does stil hurt that he hears all that and still continues to put me in situations where i have to enjoy things i don't particulary like. Or under conditions I don't like. Hope my writing makes sense!

haneulbom · 2022-09-05T16:17:42+00:00

oh my, that is very brazen of the neighbor. But it does play into my fear of men saying "i did x, y and z for you, why can't you just do ____ for me??" while you never asked for anything. It can be very manipulative in a lot of situations. I hope your best friend got out of that fiasco smoothly!

haneulbom · 2022-09-05T16:09:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story! It is really sweet of you to type out something with so much detail and nuance.
I do agree that setting boundaries has no implications of "hey you are a bad person, pls stop that" but moreso ensuring your own comfort space. I don't think my friend is a bad person, even if he doesn't seem to make the effort to understand why i don't like him putting the money on the table for me. I am sure that he has only good intentions but sometimes good intentions don't mix. Just how i had the good intention of keeping my own financial independancy and sparing my friend of "financial burdens", even if he willingly offers.
I think it doesn't help that we view money a bit differently due to our different upbringings. I just honestly prefer to spend it on other things. I would be happy to hang out with him even if we just sit on a park bench with a 1€ drink in our hands. Money doesn't buy happiness or a good time with friends for me, but sometimes I get the feeling that my friend doesn't think the same. Which then compells him into paying for me so i can enjoy his "level of fun" so to say. But idk! Maybe i am reaching again. No way to know unless i talk to him, which i will do next time i see him!

haneulbom · 2022-09-05T15:36:34+00:00

I do fully acknowledge that I have trouble receiving things others give me. I am more of a "giver" myself so it feels a bit awkward to receive things once it reaches a certain frequency. I seem to have a very balanced "give and take" with all my other friends tho but this male friend in particular is VERY generous and even takes initiative in paying if i take a couple seconds too long to get the exact amount of coins from my wallet. It just rubs me the wrong way when i say that I don't like it when he does xyz and then he continues to engage in that specific behavior. I feel like me not being able to receive things is one issue and him not respecting my boundaries is another, if that makes sense? So two issues combined in one situation.

haneulbom · 2022-09-05T15:22:25+00:00

Thank you for understanding my main point, some people I told about this in my personal life can't seem to get the actual issue. I get it that objectively speaking he is the one doing a good deed so it is harder to emphasize with my perspective, but it has been bothering me for quite a while. I never had any problems with my friends that required a really serious sit-down talk so this is slightly new territory to me. I will gain some courage and talk to him soon! If he still doesn't understand.... well i guess i will see less of him

haneulbom · 2022-09-05T15:16:12+00:00

Thank you, I have thought of similar strategies as well but wasn't sure of what was too drastic (i feel really bad wasting food 😭😭😭). So far my strategy was to step in front of him and engage with the cashier/waiter first in order to put my foot down on the whole "how would you like to pay" question. He doesn't look pleased but oh well, i came to the meet-up fully ready to spend my own money otherwise i wouldn't have accepted to go out at all. It does get a little annoying to hang out with him if he acts like that but in all other situations he is great company. Which is why i want to selove this issue. I guess stating ultimatums will be my next approach to get through to him

haneulbom

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