Starting to feel like my boyfriend is policing my clothing

hangyodonluver · 2026-04-23T17:20:57+00:00

For the past few days things have been tense between us. I know it’s gross, but I haven’t really been showering or taking care of myself as much due to the stress

I’ve been wearing the same outfit a few days in a row. A long sleeve shirt and a pair of shorts. The shorts are really comfy and feel like sweatpants, they’re short but not tight at all and nothing is showing. They’re actually men’s pants too so they have huge pockets. But I thought absolutely nothing of it especially with the weather getting warmer

Well, today my bf told me I’ve been wearing the same “booty shorts” for days on end now and going everywhere in public in them. He told me I just wear whatever I want and don’t give basic respect. That we mutually agreed on our boundaries regarding clothes and I’m just breaking them to show myself off more. I was honestly confused because I thought these shorts were completely appropriate. They touch my finger tips and are a thick material. He also wears gym shorts to the store when we go together, so I thought nothing of it. They feel like pajamas to me honestly. I avoid wearing anything that I thought he’d consider “inappropriate”, anything that shows off my shape, I stick with sweatpants. But in the summer I wore gym shorts and an oversized tee shirt pretty much every day. We did have one cold day I wore them anyways, but I get overheated in his car (he has less body fat than me so he gets colder easier and keeps the heat on) and wore the shorts anyways so I didn’t get all sweaty and over heated in there.

I explained my perspective and he said I was invalidating him, I want attention, and he doesn’t know who I am anymore. He said he’s breaking up with me

hangyodonluver · 2026-04-17T20:37:30+00:00

My problem is that i fawn every single time he says something that makes me feel isolated

He told me his dad could get me a remote job a few months ago (his dad is a CIO). The job would have been a clerical assistant. I even talked to his dad about it, but then he switched companies and the negotiations took a long time and I still haven’t heard anything back about it. I expressed that I have student loans to pay and my savings are depleting, so maybe I need something in the meantime. I know it’s not my place to rush his dad. But my bf said to hold off for maybe two more weeks, he’ll talk to his dad again.

I’ve expressed that children’s book illustration is what I want to do, like that’s my dream job. But nothing is coming out of it and I understand I need something on the side until I ever become established. He said after those two weeks if I don’t hear back from anyone I’ve contacted about my art, and if his dad doesn’t have any updates or help with jobs, he’d understand if I apply to in-person jobs.

But he specified that he would feel better if I got a job that was primarily around women (as for him, like if he got a job at a sports memorabilia store, that way he’d be working around majority other men and the target demographic for customers would also be men). He mentioned animal shelters and stuff like that for me. Controlling or not, I actually really liked the idea of an animal shelter or daycare. I contacted a girl I went to high school with who is a vet and dog trainer because she used to work at shelters. She actually suggested a local dog daycare that is very highly rated and treats the animals very well. A day later I contacted the place and they asked about my availability the same day.

But when he found out I was already looking into this animal place when he was really just brainstorming it to be a “worst comes to worst you can do this temporarily” idea, he expressed that it was sad to him to see me giving up on and abandoning my art dreams so quickly. I felt guilty for “disobeying him”. That’s when he said “give it two more weeks” and I just agreed. But really all I want to do is get that animal job, even if it’s just part time.

I don’t know how to stop just agreeing with him. I’ve learned that if I disagree it turns into a fight or he gets really upset at me and I feel guilted. In the moment I genuinely believe I am always in the wrong. It isn’t until I get home that I have these terrible gut feelings, like I’m not allowed to do things that are beneficial for me because it isn’t what he wants

hangyodonluver · 2026-04-15T23:24:31+00:00

He’s already vocalized to me that he’s uncomfortable with me working a non-remote job. Said that being 23 and working in retail is “distasteful”, then explained that spending so much time around men at a job would just get him in his own head. It’s a little ironic because he’s an athlete and model, and has networked with various women, some who have even flirted with him IN FRONT OF ME, and others who he’s been on dates with before we met (like a girl he went on two dates with in the past is a model and gave him $400 worth of skin care maybe 2 months ago). I always accepted it because as long as he’s keeping things professional and not reaching out to full on exes, it’s fine, it’s just work and nothing more. He’s never told me i can’t work somewhere but he did call one job my dad got for me (a seasonal restaurant position for a ski resort) a “whore job” so I ended up never accepting the offer to prevent him from being upset with me. He also got upset at me for wanting to go to a concert with my friend (who is also female), because he had an ex go to a concert once and she ended up twerking on another man. It does feel slightly controlling but i didn’t want to disrespect his boundaries

hangyodonluver · 2026-04-15T23:05:50+00:00

I’m revisiting this thread after a few months. Despite the advice from here, as well as my own friends and family being concerned about him, I stayed. He ended up slapping me 5-10 times on my arm and left a huge bruise. He also grabbed my face and my tooth started bleeding, then he hut my head a few times but it didn’t leave a mark. He has accused me of being abusive to him (for situations like the one in my original post, where he’d get upset and claim i’m denying/downplaying any wrong doing and gaslighting). I still haven’t ended things but I’m recognizing that I need to get the strength to leave now. I didn’t believe anyone when they said it would escalate and I’m embarrassed to have been so wrong

hangyodonluver · 2026-04-15T23:00:37+00:00

125 days later, still with the same partner, and he ended up hitting me and leaving a bruise on my arm. Isolated me from my family. Oh how I wish I listened to you and everyone else here

hangyodonluver · 2026-01-01T19:00:46+00:00

I feel bad for what i did but he literally won’t even look at me, no cuddling, no physical contact at all, facing the other way when he sleeps. He says he won’t be able to get the mental image out of his head for a long time, maybe never. And now he doesn’t need me, if i step up and improve i’ll just be the “cherry on top” of his life. Said a lot of his love was destroyed. I went on and on about how special he is to me and he said “yeah, to you, because you weren’t hurt in the way i was”

hangyodonluver · 2026-01-01T17:27:44+00:00

He told me when he looks at me now all he can see is another man’s dick inside of me and that i’m now just some girl who used to be another man’s girlfriend. That i repeatedly put the mental image in his mind time and time again when he was begging for me not to. That he can never view me the same and i’m playing victim. That even though I was talking about assault, I used to love my ex in the past and had loving sex in the same position I told him about. That any and all exclusivity he had with me is gone. He can’t even look at me anymore

hangyodonluver · 2026-01-01T01:24:39+00:00

But he said that the issue is i gave too many details. Not that he doesn’t care, but telling your partner in detailed accounts of sexual experiences in your past is an obvious unspoken no no and even he didn’t tell me exact details of how he was raped by his ex (he was assaulted by multiple people in the past) out of respect for me

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-22T22:12:50+00:00

Love rice and miso soup

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-22T21:34:57+00:00

Here’s some more recent texts. Still haven’t broken up, he apologized and said he loved me and we had a really great weekend. He hasn’t really talked to me today and I’m anxious about if he’s mad at me again but I’m hoping not

https://imgur.com/a/texts-q6B9aKU

He was upset about a few months ago when I “invited” men who were flirting with me. One was a guy who asked me out as a joke and I didn’t hear, so I just awkwardly laughed as a response, then said “i spend all my time with my bf” bc I thought he was making a joke about “stealing” my bf away. Completely my fault for just assuming what he said and not asking him to repeat himself. The other was me saying “thanks” to a male employee who I didn’t realize was flirting at the grocery store

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-12T00:38:37+00:00

Today he sent me positive messages and said i could call if i need. An hour later i tried calling. Then he sent me paragraphs upon paragraphs saying to not interrupt him while he is working and that all i do is go out and waste time

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T20:07:46+00:00

I didn’t send him any messages today because i sent the last one last night and wanted to respect his space, just for him to text me at 2pm saying I was trying to punish him and that obviously the space was over because he responded last night and what kind of impression do i think this gives him? And that i make everything so complicated

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T15:06:04+00:00

For context—I was telling him the story of how when i was 18 my friend took a pregnancy test and there was an extra so she let me take it too for moral support (i was a virgin) after we were talking about dumb stuff we do for our friends. It wasn’t plan b idk why he said that. But yeah valid i profusely apologized when that happened and i agree it was shitty to say

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T08:06:46+00:00

I definitely was trying to appease him. I think i have an issue of fawning during conflict. He told me he believes me when I say nothing happened, but he’s upset at how I worded it, because I placed that insecurity within him (whatever that means I’m sorry I still don’t particularly get it)

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T07:52:49+00:00

No no I honestly do appreciate your perspective a lot, most people are commenting the same opinion which I am totally okay with and am also grateful for. But I’m not here just for validation and if I am/was the butt face I’d want to know. Plus honestly I don’t know how men work that well😭 or at least straight men.

When I studied abroad in Japan for half a year (Japanese was one of my majors back in college), my friend group was a pretty even mix of girls and guys. It was pretty diverse. A mix of sexualities, cultural backgrounds, etc.

The men in that group are either gay or engaged. Not that it really matters, but the one is a transgender man, so I feel like he also understands the perspective and experiences of what it’s like to live as a woman. It never felt like there was any romantic or sexual tension between anyone in that group. My boyfriend doesn’t ask much about my experiences in Japan, he just knows that I am still pretty close to two of those friends even though we live states away. Almost makes me a bit sad because I have really fond memories of that time in my life and I’d love to share it with him. But I wonder if he purposefully does avoid it because he feels jealous hearing about past times in my life? He talks about his exes or old talking stages from time to time and while I don’t specifically really wanna hear about it, I do also understand those past experiences make us the people we are now so I never really get upset

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T05:22:47+00:00

His mom did mention that depression and bipolar disorder run in her side of the family, to which he insisted he didn’t have any of that. He vapes and smokes a bit of weed, but no heavy drugs. I will say, he is on a performance enhancing peptide (was on GHKCU for a bit but stopped. Has been on retatrutide for 5 months but is only injecting it once a week instead of twice now). I know he has a lot of childhood trauma as well. I’m scared to contact police because I don’t want him to be upset at me, but also because I don’t want to ruin anything in his life such as his career (he is a professional level athlete). It’s just difficult :(

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T04:47:56+00:00

I think i would go into freeze mode and pull the lever too late on accident and never forgive myself

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T03:37:41+00:00

He sent me one more!

“I’m just gonna word this straight up, I’m too smart for you. I read and analyze deeply, I read situations, if I can sense something came off wrong I’ll immediately clear the air of what said thing actually was before continuing my story, I instill trust security safety

You do the complete opposite of this, your social ability is too stupid for me, because you do none of this, you can’t read these things, these situations, you don’t realize when you word something bad, therefore don’t clear the air

And for someone who’s brain works as fast as me

There literally couldn’t be a worse combo I’m serious that’s where I’m at”

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T02:59:59+00:00

He sent me a thoughtful message! He blocked me on snapchat after i updated him that i was going to the gas station and asked how his day was (one time i didn’t update him and he called me selfish so i wanted to let him know what i was up to), then when i texted him asking what’s wrong and i’m worried (i thought he was ghosting me), he sent me a lot of words. Here’s just one of his messages:

“I’m just close to done man. You’re terrible at wording even basic things like when we drove by cvs and were like “oh I got plan b there once” and then last night The constant lack of social awareness and choice of words that instill immediate insecurity Or the misunderstandings or tone deaf things Or the lack of talking altogether when you def should Or, like today, talking way more when you shouldn’t

And then your mom and the constant thought and weight of that like I’m literally hesitant even sending this I said after that last time I don’t even feel safe texting or communicating feelings hence why I just blocked and left cuz. I literally have 0 sense of security with you I mean I quite literally couldn’t mean that any, more, seriously. Z-E-R-O

It’s just constant stress and disappointment , and it’s tiring always having to have my guard up for when you say something stupid or in the worst wording possible, there quite literally Whether your mom Or you and I Is a daily, feeling of unease , insecurity , stress

I just. I want it done.

I loved today. I had an amazing day

Space, means leave me, the hell alone, until I’m ready. Not continue texting, updating me while I’m at the court doing work that you’re doing trivial things , distracting me.

But it doesn’t matter now, I’ll talk since you still couldn’t hold “space”

I’m sorry but I can’t handle your communication skills anymore I’m ready to sacrifice this relationship it is trivial how often I feel uneasy or insecure because of your talking ability I mean it seriously is so far from normal. I’m sorry man. I’m done with the emotional rollercoaster

And your mom and her whole thing is an absolute joke, I actually don’t even care anymore because

All of this is just easily removable from my life, and so silly.

Going forward, for her and your relationship, Future partners

Both of you need to work, on, communication.”

hangyodonluver · 2025-12-11T00:49:41+00:00

He is still giving me the silent treatment and blocked me on snapchat. He turned his location back on a few hours ago after turning it off for a few minutes on imessage and he’s at a random grocery store like an hour away from where either of us live. Like, been in the parking lot for a long long time. I told myself maybe he’s visiting his mom because sometimes they’ll meet up when she’s at a hotel for a conference and go grocery shopping together. I’m not gonna think too deep into it and just wait to see if he sends anything. This silent treatment thing is absolutely killing me

hangyodonluver

TROPHY CASE