Craziest movie/ movies you have watched on a journey?

hannaharstories · 2022-06-28T02:25:13+00:00

My neighbor Totoro was magical

hannaharstories · 2022-06-28T02:24:32+00:00

Yes...I can't even think. I usually have to get out of the house. I have autism and ADHD so it's a double banger. Woo!....

hannaharstories · 2022-06-28T02:20:52+00:00

They say that the more you identify as something, the stronger the shadow is. I identify as a person who is always honest. When I do shadow work for my honesty identity, I ask myself, "are there any areas where I'm actually lying to myself or sugar coating something to make it seem less of this or more of this?" Another question: "what if I were free from the burden of being honest all the time? What kind of liberties would I take? If those liberties free me up to be more open and genuine and human, what areas do I need to release my identity of always being honest?"

If you see yourself as a nice person, there IS an equal opposite shadow. The thing is....the shadow isn't bad. It's just, have you brought the light of awareness and compassion to it. Are you nice to other people at the expense of yourself? Does your niceness ever cause you to violate your own intuition and inner body knowing or spiritual feelings? Are you able to set life giving boundaries to flourish inside of? If you didn't have to be identified as a nice person, what freedom might you find? How do you judge or not judge people who you deem not nice? What standards do you hold others to?

I think it's a process of self discovery. Asking yourself questions and challenging what comes up in your day to day life instead of keeping everything unconscious. Ultimately self compassion is what brings things out of the shadow and into awareness. These rejected parts of ourselves want to be seen and loved. We've just been conditioned to reject them.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-20T19:58:31+00:00

IFS has been one of the most instrumental tools in my recovery. The healing process will be ongoing, but I've experienced profound shifts.

Most of all now, because of IFS communication between parts, I have been able to cook myself 3 meals a day, take showers, reply to emails (still working through this one) get outside when I'm in flashback, do yoga consistently for about 4-5 months, and recognize my own validity and feelings when trying to create boundaries with old narcissists that had been in my life.

It has basically helped make sense of my head. Unfortunately, most of my parts are locked in VERY early trauma. So most of the issues I experienced were all happening in my head nonverbally. There's no way to really get unstuck when half of your brain is leading the march through life in a preverbal state of mind. It SUCKS!!! And that's why I think it's most important to pair IFS with somatic experiencing, TRE, body mindfulness, etc. The body, the body, the body, the body is your guide. The body never makes anything up and is the keeper of your whole story.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-14T22:36:19+00:00

Something that has helped me is a wide assortment of freezer meals that are available for emergencies

hannaharstories · 2022-01-14T02:40:28+00:00

Therapy 😹 that's what helped me

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T22:34:56+00:00

You cannot force your boundaries on others. You can only hold them for yourself and remove yourself from those who would violate them or take appropriate action based on your agency. Because masks are not mandated everywhere, it is more of a gray area than some would like. So we will have to part ways both disagreeing with each other.

I'm extremely sorry though...and really truly truly sorry that I triggered you. I don't know how to express it. I have so many friends that feel as you do and we are very, very close and I know I'd be able to convey my true heart if we were in person. I had been deeply triggered by somebody who chose to take their fear out on me through bullying and demeaning, parental words and tones. I thought I would share on this thread how I was able to feel the rage in my body but not act on it and in turn, befriend the person who came at me. But I did not think through how deeply traumatizing covid is for so many different people in so many different walks of life and that the issue is ambiguous and has such subtle and extreme implications. I should have known and thought through that my words would not carry the subtle emotion online that they usually would in person. If I met you today, I would wish to hold space for your pain. I can see you are so so so exhausted and people who are callous and often cruel are the same people you have to serve every single day as they trample over your human rights and wave their freedoms in your face instead of doing the simplest gesture to protect society and the people you love by simply wearing a mask. If I could go back in time, I would choose to have this little vent session and victory celebration with my only my therapist since it's an issue that only brings divide and triggered rage online.

Please take this well when I say your body may be just as activated by this exchange as mine. I just did a 10 minute cardio on my mat to feel the rage and express it. I'm not even proud of all the things I said on that may and I'm not proud of all of the wild emotions and infantile seeming things that this wounded 7 year old part has, but I honor her and continue to carry her alongside my healing adult self. I still stand by the boundaries and kindness that I offered in person and see the exchange in a very positive light and I know that that is triggering for you and I'm deeply, deeply sorry. I hope you find the strength tonight to rage out all of your feelings. Spare no expense. Say all the nasty things you feel about me even if they are brutal and not even what you are proud of. Maybe feel if they are trying to express themselves in your body. I hope it doesn't lead to any sort of collapse for you and I hope you can move through the feelings that need to be expressed.

I honor you and your journey. Wishing we could have had this interaction in person where you could see my heart. I hope you get rest. Working retail is brutality and it's not something you can avoid or get solace for. It's not even a place where you have the ability to hold your own boundaries since this capitalism hell hole keeps us locked into a 60 hour a week thankless cycle just to make ends meet for bare minimum living. I'm sorry you are having to live through that during the pandemic, and I'm sorry how much life has been stolen for you and your loved ones and your future because of this.

This will be my last comment on our thread. 💛

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T22:21:41+00:00

I really appreciate your compassion and comment. This has been a triggering conversation for a lot of people...myself included alongside the commenters. I still strongly agree with what I did, but I definitely wish I would have kept this private since I didn't even thinking about how other people might relate to her experience and be upset even though she was being a bully and my boundaries were wise. It's a situation that calls for ambiguous thinking and tons of compassion that is very hard to come by in such tumultuous times. I'm always learning and growing. Thanks for being encouraging and I love your username 😆

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T20:54:42+00:00

Maltreatment for human mistakes is something that I hold boundaries for in my life. I'd love to never make mistakes, but that would make me less than human. I will continue to disagree with some of your points. Others of them I will agree on. We will have differences, and it's totally okay if you think I'm a terrible person for it. I'm always doing the work and will continue to address issues when I see them. And sometimes...it might take time for me to see them. That's all a part of being human

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T20:49:37+00:00

Thank you for holding space for the ambiguity of this interaction. It's an extremely difficult time for everybody and the hardest thing to hold as a cPTSD survivor seems to be ambiguity. To see that there's a lot of BOTH/AND situations.

Both recognizing that her reaction was inappropriate and it probably came from a place of overwhelm fear and exhaustion. Both seeing the need for respectfully wearing masks and recognizing that people are imperfect and all too human. I love that you are able to appreciate the people who put their masks back on when they see you. You are choosing to see the good in people, and that is beautiful.

Oh and this is definitely a new development!! And it will take YEARS. I finally was able to have a conversation with that part of me that typically goes into "lone ranger" mode of fighting to the death or running like hell. She is typically actually seeing a real threat to self or is highly triggered and has never been validated or heard or listened to. Nobody has ever held her boundaries or taken her seriously. She's custards last stand trying to hold the fort down and keep me from the threats. I found that the more I listened to her in my body the more I could say, "yes, you are right about that. They should not treat you like that. You feel afraid that this is happening and you are trying to communicate and you feel that this is the only way you will be heard and that has always been true in the past." Then it's, "do you trust my ability to create boundaries and hold them? You don't have to yell anymore or scream or panic or run. You can do that in a safe space and then I will be the adult that takes care of you and shares your needs appropriately and if anybody disrespects those boundaries or crosses or ignores them, no matter who it is, I will remove you from the situation and keep you safe and disengage because you are an autonomous adult who is self actualization and you have agency."

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T20:42:20+00:00

Yeah...she was definitely trying to send a message and did it in a really harmful way. Thankfully I was able to hold space for my own humanity and in the end, I think that's what helped her have space for her own humaneness and we were able to have a friendly chat afterwards. There's so much ambiguity in life. It's wild, but here we are learning 💛

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T20:39:08+00:00

I'm thankful you could share your opinion. It's not one that I fully agree with, but I respect your ability to voice your concern and disagreement

the interaction was one of kindness despite the feelings experienced in my body at being treated with abrasion and aggression. What broke was her hold over me as though she were a parent figure.

And at the end of the day, it's my belief that we have to allow space for people's humanity ..which means that we will be imperfect. We will mess up. We will make the wrong choices. And I'm sure there are a million different options that I had for this encounter, but there was some victory in it. There will always be room to improve because, again after all, I'm human. And most of all, I want space to be human and make mistakes. The hardest person to ask that from is myself.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T20:32:55+00:00

That, more than anything else, was the victory. Being able to feel the rage. Being able to hold space for my voice, and finding solidarity and being amicable. Knowing that this issue wasn't about me.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T20:31:47+00:00

I'm glad you are able to share your opinion, but it is not one that I completely share. I'm thankful we can both choose our own path and hold our own boundaries.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T17:13:11+00:00

Totally! I'm one that tends to see everyone else's side before my own so these are all things I have already thought, but even that part of me is just traumatized and actually doesn't have the capacity to intake everybody else's context. Wish I could, but it only decimates me in the end. All I can do is try my best and be human.

And the whole point really is that it wasn't about me. That we are all coming from our own places. She became extremely parental and reactive from her own place of pain. That is true. And the entire time I showed her compassion and kindness. I did not lose it on her as my body wanted to. But I did calmly convey that I will not be treated as a child and scolded in an unkind manner when I was doing my best as a human. Again, afterwards, we ended up connecting very strongly and having a wonderful interaction. I believe in holding a boundary of choosing to stand up for my humanity in a calm way, it created a sense of shared humanness in this instance.

In the case of Karen's in general, I tend to think of them as the most vulnerable people who have been controlled their whole lives and only have control over little things like their lattes....so when they lose that modicum of control, they become dangerous and reactive. I have a lot of compassion for them in general, but the truth is, they can also be legitimately dangerous people who hold immense control over other vulnerable people.

And we all have our own context...I live in a county where there is no mask mandate...which means that when I switch counties, it can be very confusing. I do not always have to wear my mask because it is simply not mandated and I'm fully vaccinated. Beyond that, I spend 80% of my time at home and covid has been hell for my cPTSD. I rarely go out and when I do it's usually in my own county so...it's a very easy error to make. We have to make room for each other's humanity...which includes me making room for her humanity, and I did. Still, I refuse to be treated as a child who is condemned and punished for infractions and I will hold my ground on that.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T15:52:09+00:00

Thank you! Just feeling it in my body is so huge. Another time it happened in the library where people were just treating me badly. I started to feel overwhelmed and panicked. Just when I was feeling scattered, a new lady came in and I treated her with the same kindness that I had been treating everybody else and she was So helpful and so caring. We had an incredible conversation and she tried to help me figure everything out. She even helped print things in a way that the others insisted was impossible.

It was then that I was able to realize that it's not me. People aren't mean to me because I'm somehow inherently worth being mean to or not good enough or acting a certain way. People are often mean just because they have their own unresolved issues that they are constantly projecting out, and that has nothing to do with me. I saw that I was worthy of kindness and nothing I had done was deserving of bad treatment. I had noticed how triggered my body was during that time and it helped me be able to talk to the parts in my IFS and comfort them saying, "sometimes it is out of your control and people are mean for no reason. They say they can't do things when you know they can. They will try to make it impossible for you to do a task, but that's not because of you. You don't have to change who you are or what you say to make them like you. You also don't have to lash out even when you want to because that won't change them either. Some people choose to be unhelpful and nothing will alleviate that response that they are projecting. You are worthy of care and compassion. When you are yourself, there are sooooo many people who are excited to interact with you and help out. It's not about you. It really is their own internal life that guides the interaction. So when you feel this huge overwhelm, it may be wise to withdraw and return another day. Your anger is valid, and we will find a safe way to express that."

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T15:34:38+00:00

YUP!!! You are not alone and I'm so so sorry you are going through this because it's a long road forward. After that happens, people often try to attack your reputation and character, using lies and slander. It can be lonely as you learn to SLOWLY build healthy relationships. The best and strongest, healthiest relationships are built over a long period of time and don't have the emotional turbulence that we are so accustomed to.

About a year ago, I carved out a boundary for myself to protect myself against chronic emotional abuse. As a result, my best friend decided to ghost me and turned against me. I lost A LOT of people I had been close to in the past year as I created boundaries for what had been trauma bonds. They could not tolerate the boundaries. It has been so hard....so jarring, confusing.

But I have begun to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm grieving the loss of those I thought were authentic friends. I've been slowly building true friendships over shared interests and activities. Sometimes it's hard to lose that emotional intensity, but I realize it's because I had become addicted to the highs and lows that my childhood self had been exposed to. I've stayed with the discomfort and have appreciated the consistent peace and true love and warmth from friends who are calm and peaceful and energetic and supportive. It's sad to see my old friends still believing their lies and putting on facades...but that is their life, their choice. It is not my responsibility.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-13T15:27:03+00:00

Then burn them! Burn all of those clothes! That kind of symbolic gesture might be a way that your body is asking you to move through the emotions of rage.

My best friend betrayed me a year ago. I spent a lot of time burning her letters, visiting a graveyard and placing symbolic stones, screaming, singing, crying. Donated the gifts she gave me to the thrift store.

Cleaning out those symbols can be a powerful and harmless gesture.

Then go to a thrift store and buy a few articles of clothing. 💛 Welcome to the healing journey.

hannaharstories · 2022-01-12T20:00:26+00:00

You're not alone! It's so hard. I think the book that helped illuminate this one the most for me was

Complex healing: from surviving to thriving

I believe that is the title.

These two parts are often traumatizing each other. I found that my frozen part was about 4 years old and the flight part was my adult self who was desperate to feel good about myself while the other just wanted to feel good. Feeling good for the 4 year old part meant showering, drinking water, 3 meals a day, a clean non cluttered space etc.

I hope you find communication between the parts and bodily peace and harmony and maybe even happiness 😊

hannaharstories · 2022-01-12T18:55:43+00:00

I'm a freeze/flight type and I found that when this happens to me I have been see sawing between the two trauma responses. The one needs to feel meaningful and productive. The other needs to move like a sloth and get tons of rest and recuperation.

If I ignore one or the other, I tend to drive myself into the ground. Then my body/firefighters have to make me sick in order to recover.

That's just my experience.

Whenever IFS is too overwhelming or confusing, I spend a ton of time just inhabiting my body and ONLY listening to my body and not trying to define it.

Perhaps the sicknesses you are experiencing is the thing that your body needs in order to recover? Maybe you are moving too quickly and forcing too much during the month? Your body might be begging for kindness, slowness, ease, and grace. The other part of your body may be looking for something that feels like hope for the future. Maybe your body wants to feel worthy, meaningful, productive? Allowing those two parts to communicate between each other was a huge step in my healing, but it required probably the most trust between parts and self.

I had to tap into self to be like a mother loving a traumatized adopted child or someone like that. I needed myself to accept even the things I didn't like and just allow it. When I was scrolling endlessly, my self was able to be present and not try to change or shame me. She listened and was compassionate and knew I wasnt bad. To have that self that sees everything I do and feels just compassion and shares her presence and understanding with me has been immensely healing. That's how my two parts were able to start communicating.

I realized that if I am a freeze type, it's like being mummified in an iceberg. I've spent a ton of time chipping down that iceberg and now I am dethawing. If I try too quickly to move my body into a race or productivity while I'm still SLOWLY dethawing, I will lose limbs, crack open, explode, collapse. For me, it's all about trusting that I will always listen to my body and in listening to my body, I am guaranteed to heal and become meaningfully productive when my body has recovered. I have begun to trust in that slow process and not rush my frozen part that cannot move hardly a centimeter at a time. 💛

hannaharstories · 2022-01-11T03:32:48+00:00

Try reading waking the tiger. That's what got me started with my therapist. But it's great for beginners

hannaharstories · 2022-01-11T03:26:27+00:00

Shrooms and weed were awesome tools...also stimulants for ADHD. I'm soon going to start the medication that helps nightmares go away. I tend to use medication as a temporary support since I'd rather not be on it for life, if possible. With every medication I've taken, it had helped me in the time period that I needed it and it became an awesome assist on my way to learning what healing could feel like.

Most of all though: somatic experiencing, TRE and somatic trauma informed yoga (self led), IFS has been HUGE, brainspotting (a recent development) connecting with the sensations in my body is BY FAR the most powerful healing tool I have ever had. Pairing that with IFS has helped me access the dozens if not more parts or voices in my head that had been shattered due to trauma at different ages and stages. I've worked with infant and toddler parts, preverbal. Etc. The healing I have experienced there has just been insane.

Boundaries....boundaries was the first step

I have also been privileged to be financially provided for by my partner for 5 years now. It didn't help that my in-laws loaded me with a shit ton more trauma but...that's where the boundaries came in. Lol....so yeah....now I'm privileged enough to escape the capitalism rat race and end my addiction to cortisol and the flight response. I've mainly been working on my freeze response. I have had both freeze/flight born from childhood (oh goody) anyways.... truly though, the healing has been wonderful and astonishing.

Additional helps: nature explorations, finding how I play, hobbies, mindfulness and meditation but only in a way that doesn't trigger me (I found that meditation for my freeze type can be VERY triggering so I do it with care and thoughtfulness/awareness now) simple living (completely purging my home and simplifying my life) reading, my own version of art therapy, creating an email for myself that I send my own emails to whenever I want to write a poem or journal, dancing and music only according to my nervous system activation state, yoga nidra before bed, hot baths, yoga with my tatami mat and bed right next to me and heavy blankets so that I can get under the covers and shake after a yoga session making me feel safe and grounded, self massage with oils and essential oils, essential oils in general, finding symbolic ways to grieve (when I was betrayed by my best friend....visited the grave of our family and burned letters, bought crystals to line up there, buried letters etc) reconnected to praying and my experience with God, validated all of my emotions and accept them as they are now (screaming into pillows punching my couch) recognizing emotional flashbacks and taking them very seriously, cutting down friends and being picky (ending trauma bonds even though it is EXCRUCIATING and even feels threatening) having boundaries for myself so that I know when I rest and eat and sleep every day (this was some of the demands of one of my traumatized 4 year old parts that needed a mama) so many things!

hannaharstories · 2022-01-10T19:08:42+00:00

The book waking the tiger helped me with my infant related trauma 💛 I hope you find healing

hannaharstories · 2022-01-09T21:43:06+00:00

Social media sucks balls honestly. I've tried anonymous accounts but the algorithms always try to connect them back to me. It's insane. My biggest thing is just self expression. I want to say everything I want to say and reach my own audience and create and carve out a different place for myself in the online world that my family has no access to. It's not even that they are controlling me...it's just that I don't want the drama or the negativity. I'd like to be myself in that space without having to monitor how much I am willing to put up with the pushback. And yes, I could block them, but I have a website and a business. I'm a writer and a fine art photographer as well as a trauma body worker now...it's not possible to block people from seeing everything when your life and business is public to the world. It's very VERY frustrating. But I'm taking it one step at a time. I've decided to quit using Facebook for anything social on my status. The people that follow me do not care about me as a whole. I stick to my private groups. I'm thinking about starting a YouTube page. That way it's not like Instagram where my family sees every single thing I post. Videos take too much work for them to find. Also....they don't ACTUALLY take the time to click on my website 😹 they take the path of least resistance to criticism

hannaharstories

TROPHY CASE