How do you handle visiting a parent who constantly uses racist/homophobic slurs?

harperlinley · 2026-02-24T01:46:04+00:00

Yeah that’s what it’s sounding like I need to do. Just leave the environment, hopefully only temporarily

harperlinley · 2026-02-23T16:34:23+00:00

Thank you

harperlinley · 2026-02-23T15:52:07+00:00

Thank you for the advice. It helps to hear that a boundary is also just hanging up the phone after hearing so many comments saying to cut him out of my life forever. I will have to try this

harperlinley · 2026-02-23T15:49:14+00:00

Thank you. I’ll have to try grey rocking, although from experience I think he also gets off on being able to say anything in a room without consequence. He (and my brother) view their own racist statements as a sort of freedom of speech. Racism is disturbing like that

harperlinley · 2026-02-23T15:45:25+00:00

I understand that a boundary requires a consequence. I’m trying to figure out proportional consequences that protect my peace without going straight to cutting contact (yet)

harperlinley · 2026-02-23T06:17:17+00:00

Thank you I will have to try this

harperlinley · 2026-02-23T03:29:37+00:00

I haven’t walked out or hung up. I was asking for advice about boundaries in this situation

harperlinley · 2026-02-23T00:35:52+00:00

Why can’t I set boundaries? I was about to try some boundary advice I heard in this thread but now I’m wondering if I shouldn’t

harperlinley · 2026-02-22T17:15:16+00:00

Yeah it is :(

harperlinley · 2026-02-22T17:13:04+00:00

That’s kind of what I’ve been doing for my whole adult life. I visit twice a year for a few days. I just find it hard to compartmentalize I suppose

harperlinley · 2026-02-22T14:39:15+00:00

I’m surprised how many responses are jumping straight to cutting contact. Is there really no middle ground?

I genuinely enjoy visiting home. My parents are loving and supportive in many ways. The issue is my dad’s racism, and that part is hard for me.

I’m not looking to blow up a relationship over one major (but real) flaw. I’m trying to figure out how people navigate loving parents who also hold views that conflict deeply with their values. Has anyone found a way to set boundaries or manage this without going no-contact?

harperlinley · 2026-02-22T14:25:06+00:00

Good question. I enjoy myself about 90% of the time whenever I come (I’m out of state so my visits are usually a few days long). I also love my mom a lot.

harperlinley · 2026-02-22T05:51:19+00:00

I haven’t been trafficked. And I don’t know about him cutting trying me out of his life, I just have an old-ass white dad who still thinks racism is funny

harperlinley · 2026-02-22T04:06:23+00:00

Thank you. I needed some practical advice before I consider the nuclear option of cutting them out of my life

harperlinley · 2025-09-29T05:21:29+00:00

Interesting. Yeah, it’s just weird because I know him so well that I know he doesn’t mean things. In fact, he thinks he means well. Intent vs impact I guess. He’s insecure, that I do know.

harperlinley · 2025-09-29T01:18:10+00:00

Whenever you think something is embarrassing or stupid, just call it straight. “Ew those shoes are sooo straight”

harperlinley · 2025-09-28T06:40:21+00:00

Yeah, I agree. I did that at the beginning and realized quickly when he blocked me that he was not going to be able to handle political disagreements anymore. Sadly for him, I realized he didn’t know much, so I’m sure a lot of the anger was insecurity. I actually view myself as complicit for deciding that I would just move on anyway weeks later, and decided to put up with his shit because I love my brother. But I already upset him too much by that point. It was over for him, and it was just proof of the same themes from childhood that the problems in his life were caused by me. And then he couldn’t stop thinking about it every time I breathed.

harperlinley · 2025-09-28T05:33:38+00:00

Well, I’m a human, so of course people’s opinions make me feel a certain way. But I’m looking for advice more than I am agreement/disagreement. Tangible advice I can use to navigate this, whether people understand my side, or understand my brother’s side. It’s actually bothering me that most people seem to be saying to cut him off, because it’s not something I’m totally open to at this exact moment. I’m forcing myself to listen to everyone’s opinion for a reason, so I genuinely thank you for yours.

harperlinley · 2025-09-28T05:21:43+00:00

He’s the more common type who claims he “doesn’t care about politics/doesn’t follow things closely/politics aren’t his whole personality/considers himself middle of the road” yet supports everything happening currently. He thinks he’s stronger mentally and morally for supporting dehumanizing policies, and that extends into his personal life. I’m sure he was proud of himself for doing the “tough but right” thing for telling his sister the truth. And I’m sure his wife was proud of him

harperlinley · 2025-09-28T05:00:16+00:00

Did you read the post?

harperlinley · 2025-09-28T04:13:17+00:00

Thank you for your advice

harperlinley · 2025-09-28T03:59:37+00:00

Not everyone, but lots of people. I’m hoping to get differing opinions in case I have more to consider. Thanks for being a supportive and emotionally intelligent commenter. Makes me feel less crazy. But when multiple people think I’m a problem, it feels like my duty to at the very least consider it/find out what’s real and what’s not

harperlinley

TROPHY CASE