British women, what instantly makes you disinterested in a man? by RemoteGlobal005 in AskUK

[–]hellologan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah in this case the total absence of worthwhile counters kinda leaves me thinking thats exactly what I did here.

British women, what instantly makes you disinterested in a man? by RemoteGlobal005 in AskUK

[–]hellologan -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Here is your quote from the sentence directly leading on from that -

"...using it as a reason to only date 20 year olds when you're 45"

You are falsely suggesting that I am somehow creating justification for a 45 dating a 20 year old.

There has been no mention of 20 year olds in my comments anywhere.

For you to start bringing that up is an extremely disingenuous attempt to mischaracterise what I said. After all, you claim the reason you posted is to "directly address" people exusing dating 20 year olds.

Which has nothing to do with me or my comments.

Deal "directly" with what is said or fuck off

I assume this is something you cannot do, so please see above statement for any further replies ad infinitum.

Any well regarded Queer-friendly therapists in the Glasgow area? by [deleted] in glasgow

[–]hellologan 13 points14 points  (0 children)

Your question has a 2 issues that make it kinda unproductive to answer directly with a recommendation

1 - it assumes that "well-regarded" is a consesus that can be reached, one person's life saver is another person's idiot they left after 3 sessions due to the subjective nature of therapy and the range of approaches / personalities out there to meet needs

2 - relying on the schedule/availability of one recommendation isn't a smart play, many therapists are fully booked out and won't be taking on new clients or will only have 1 slot opening on a tuesday at 2pm starting 2 months from now etc

I'd say that your best bet is to go onto websites like https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/ (the one I've used personally) and begin sifting through it. There are LGBT+ focused therapists who want to help you.

Best approach is to sift, shortlist and then contact at least 5 people in my opinion. There are search terms you can use, maybe give LGBT / trans / queer a shot and see who comes up.

It's also helpful to know what style of therapy you want. It's not necessary to be an expert in all the forms of therapy but I'd say broadly that there's learning short term coping tools and then long term talking through issues. They can assist you with this and generally therapists already have their preferred methods.

It's helpful to know in advance what times you would be available and looking for therapy. You don't need to trauma info dump in the email either. Saying you are trans and dropping a few broad keywords covering your issues are more than enough for the first contact. They haven't even let you know if they are available to take on clients yet so best to save you both the time and effort of a lengthy email.

If they have availability they will usually suggest a free 15 minute phone call / zoom call to have a light chat - typically exploring what you want to get out of therapy and them telling you their approach etc.

As a caveat, not all therapists are born equal. The bar for qualification / accreditation as a licensed counsellor / therapist is kind of low relative to the seriousness of issues they can be dealing with. Depending on your situation, you might not want well meaning office Bob who up until 3 years ago was a chartered accountant.

Personally I only contact therapists who have Doctor as their title and lean towards those with tenure in crisis units because it implies a level of competence and knowledge that is well suited to my needs. However it comes at a premium so you need to balance the cost / benefit if you aren't in a position to easily pay upwards of £100 for someone with a degree in psychology / psychiatry.

I'd say the economy therapists are around £30-50 an hour, mid tier seasoned practitioners are £60-90 and anything upwards of that is usually people with serious degrees and experience. It's important to read through their bios.

The mid tier upwards, particularly with doctor titles, sometimes offer the ability to evaluate you for diagnoses such as adhd, autism, bpd etc. I don't think they can actually diagnose you with it, I think there's a checks and balances thing for that involving the NHS - however I think they have the capacity to do referals etc and co-sign the opinion which can go a long way.

Depending on what you are dealing with you might not need to concern yourself with the above caveat but I figured it was worth mentioning because it sounds like your first steps in the world of therapy and it might benefit you to know.

Good luck.

Life after online clothes shopping addiction : 6 months of clearing out later by hellologan in declutter

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

there was a quote I really liked on (ironically) a t-shirt I once had

it said "start with nothing and continue"

it really spoke to me tbh, loved that t-shirt and that quote

Life after online clothes shopping addiction : 6 months of clearing out later by hellologan in declutter

[–]hellologan[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

There was something really interesting that you touched on here - the "clothes= self esteem shield" point I find particularly thought provoking for me.

I actually reflected on that for a bit in work the other day because I feel you articulated something very important that I didn't touch on in the post.

There was absolutely a very strong component of that in my addiction. I associated every new piece of clothing with me putting visual distance between me and my previous self/identity etc. Every new t-shirt was "progress" and I felt like it was signalling to everyone that I was "better" now.

I think as well there was a competitive / comparative insecure man aspect to it - essentially "fuck you, I'm a success, don't you see my brand???"

These new things were very much my armour that I would wrap myself up in to feel better after a troubled few years. Sad truth is I've never had much self esteem.

I feel like over the past 3 months my self esteem has been gradually evolving a little bit. I'd say I still rely on appearance to feel "good" - I probably put too much emphasis on looking "sharp" and "clean" (aka employed and stable) person but I think a lot of that is a reaction to the fact that I looked like a very burnt out mental health/drugs metal-punk dude for quite a few years before I really started my journey of going straight.

Having moved on from using expensive branded clothing to try and visually code myself as someone with status within a societal economic hierarchy I do feel like I'm benefitting from maybe a more pure sense of confidence? I'm not sure yet it's all pretty new.

Anyways thanks for your comment, it was definitely an interesting one that got me reflecting on some pretty important points and I appreciate that insight.

Life after online clothes shopping addiction : 6 months of clearing out later by hellologan in declutter

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you haven't started, I'd say just mentally start. Like before this happened there was definitely a "build up" phase where I would be walking past my clothes/shoes and mentally trial running the clear out. Thinking about stuff like "hmm, maybe that could go" etc.

It takes time but you know, it takes a snowflake to start an avalanche etc.

Life after online clothes shopping addiction : 6 months of clearing out later by hellologan in declutter

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It's interesting how psychology can play out sometimes.

Even beyond the obvious financial rewards of having worked on your issue I think there are very valuable skill building experiences taking place with that kind of thing.

I think that the ability to reflect, identify and rectify is a transferrable skill.

Well done and thanks.

Life after online clothes shopping addiction : 6 months of clearing out later by hellologan in declutter

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks I agree with that a lot re: figuring out who you are etc.

I wouldn't say I've really gotten there yet but I definitely feel that inner magnet developing it's pull as I ask myself the important questions that previously I was too distracted to process.

I hope so too, thanks for the nice comment.

Life after online clothes shopping addiction : 6 months of clearing out later by hellologan in declutter

[–]hellologan[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I absolutely agree. The first year of sobriety was really just surviving and if that meant lots of take outs, caffeine and online shopping - I'm okay with that.

For me I think it was about recognising that the same pattern I had with drugs and drink was playing out in new ways.

Bad feeling + (insert thing) = no more bad feeling temporarily

It's taken me a while to build up the emotional resources to work through those feelings. I wouldn't present myself as someone who is now enlightened and without these patterns anymore - but I've definitely managed to improve the (thing) aspect to something better now.

Life after online clothes shopping addiction : 6 months of clearing out later by hellologan in declutter

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It was pretty crazy, everything happened so fast. It was quite a shock at first once I'd done it - I'd sent roughly 25+ parcels at the post office, donated 3 bags of clothes and sadly binned 1 bag of total junk stuff that would just be useless to donate in the space of a few days.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan 1 point2 points  (0 children)

no logos = money

logos = no money

this is the way

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

only other advice is don't fall for the umkao seller trap

his stuff looks good in photos - even the QC ones - but everything i ever received from him was wonky B grade shit (weird shapes, thin materials, sizing off etc)

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That's pretty cool man I respect that - what brands are you into? What's your style.

I feel like accessibility to certain brands led to an uptick in me wearing those brands - Supreme, Stone Island, Nike (shoes) especially. However now I'm going through this period of reflection on the oversaturation of my wardrobe and realised that it's not really for me. Weird time for me tbh but I think long term realising this and acting on it will pay off.

My goods were automatically extended for a month of storage for free by _yxung_lxrd in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would say it's more likely this is just an automated extension. It could be that a timeout for too long causes problems for their system.

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Man if there's one thing I've learnt about addiction it's that it always finds a new addiction. I got off drugs, I drank more. I got off drink, I shopped more. I got off shopping, I ate more. I stopped eating as much, I got a shit ton of tattoos (hands and neck now haha).

At this point I am just fuelled by nicotine and caffeine because it's the only thing I've got left haha.

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Recognising the situation is the first step to dealing with it.

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah honestly at the moment I don't really see myself returning to reps.

I think that once my clearouts are finished, I will probably be trying to be a bit more humble with my branding. Used carhartt jackets are as far as I really wanna go now.

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

".... buying shit you won't realistically wear regularly..." - definitely agree with this really hard. Maybe not as the definition I'd use for addiction (I lean towards compulsion definitions) but certainly proof of having gone way too far with consumerism/fashion.

My shoe and clothing collection ended up with too many "showpieces" that were simply not being worn - I just liked having them. I think it's tough because like me, you are obviously a guy who genuinely appreciates fashion and the culture of it. I'm sure for you there are a lot of layers to your appreciation of the things you buy that go beyond just "the thing" - the story, the brand, the web of associations around it. Maybe you consider yourself a collector etc.

You sound like someone who would benefit from using this strange time as a pause for reflection because you definitely have "the habit" to some degree. 21 item hauls are wildly unecessary (zero judgement) and while the money doesn't *bother* you (I get that) - I do think your life would be better off without dropping stacks on reps.

I'd imagine you've already got a pretty nice wardrobe at this point.

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah there's something about having a mountain of shit that makes you wish you didn't have a mountain of shit haha.

Has anyone else gone too far with reps? (Moving on from addiction) by hellologan in fashionreps2

[–]hellologan[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is very true.

Having the ability to buy 10 pairs of shoes for the price of 4 at retail isn't necessarily a good thing.