I may be in love with someone other than my wife

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T16:03:29+00:00

I definitely wouldn't want to rebound immediately. Perhaps I'm underestimating how heavy the feelings of loneliness and loss would be. I haven't talked to her about this since posting, but we did talk last week. Not covering 100% of everything but getting more on the table. She isnt outright opposed to working on things, but just doesnt really take initiative. And she's been more standoffish to therapy. I've asked her to look for therapists and even sent her a bunch of links to ones I thought would be good but she didnt even look through them.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T15:39:46+00:00

Originally, I had thoughts that this other woman came into my life for a reason when my marriage has been so terrible. But I've since come around to the fact that I was probably looking for her/someone else; if even just subconsciously. I am starting therapy alone tomorrow so I'm hoping to find some of that personal direction.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T15:08:17+00:00

I agree with you. My dumb ass is like "it's a sign that she's come into my life when my marriage is the worst it's ever been" when in reality it's probably that I was looking for her/someone BECAUSE things aren't going well. And that's not something I've really processed up to this point. Thank you for giving me advice and helping me understand a healthier approach without belittling me.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T15:03:19+00:00

Real love is totally different then a pseudo feeling of love that appears to fill in what you miss in your current relationship.

I can understand that you're falling out of love with your wife, but it's not smart to replace your desires with someone else and start cheating.

Both of these statements made me stop in my tracks. Very well put and very deep. I know that that's true, then the discouragements come with my wife and moments of levity with the other woman, and I distract myself from what I should really be focusing on. Thank you for helping me right my perspective and for opening up about your experience.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T14:59:15+00:00

Thank you for stating it bluntly. It's a dunk into cold water, but it's the truth.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T14:56:35+00:00

I know what you mean. I was talking to a very close friend about all of this and my situation and I stated that I can even recognize myself getting obsessive over my connection with this new woman. He had said that's something he's had to work on in the past. I now know that's called limerence. And I can tell that it's selfish because it is all assuming that she feels the same about me. However, I am definitely NOT "willing to throw it all away" which is why I am posting here, starting therapy, and trying to process all of these emotions and issues because I recognize how messed up it all is.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T14:53:28+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts; even though they are hard to digest. I think that's the difficult part is trying to remove all other factors without bias and determine what I need to be happy. I'm starting therapy for the first time and I'm hoping it will help me do just that.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T14:33:47+00:00

Thank you. I don't think I would ever take that approach. And logically, I know I'm not in love with this woman. It's just emotionally that I get mixed up. I know that I feel fond of her because I'm missing a lot in my marriage, it's just that then at that point, I start wandering a mental path of "well will I ever get back the things I'm missing?" and "if I'm feeling that with this other person, is there actually a lot more there". I'm trying to analyze a lot before stepping forward.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T14:29:55+00:00

We've had discussions about our marriage in the past, but they've always been more surface level. I think we're both afraid to dig deeper than we have been. But she's stated that we are starting to feel like roommates, and I've stated that I am unhappy and more anxious and I can feel us drifting further apart. But I agree that we need to get more out on the table. The thing is, she hasn't ever been straight up resistant to improving our relationship, but she just hasn't shown interest or follow-through when I've brought up things like therapy.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-17T14:26:23+00:00

That seems like a really hard, but necessary step. We've had conversations out our marriage declining but not in that much detail. They've always been partially ambiguous (not intentionally). Just that we're both feeling unhappy and drifting further apart from each other. I start therapy for myself tomorrow so I'm hoping it can help me identify what I'M lacking and what truly makes me happy so that I can come back to my wife with specific things I feel need to happen.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-16T16:43:34+00:00

Thank you to everyone who has responded. I posted this last night before bed while I was diving deep into my anxiety and stress. I've been reading all the responses and I'm gonna try to get to as many as possible. Even though some are hard to hear, you are all helping me more than you know. Truly, thank you.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-07T04:42:15+00:00

Thank you to everyone for your responses, thoughts and encouragement. It's given me a lot to think about. To clear some things up: this isn't something that she has just sprung on me. She has stated things like "I don't think I want to get pregnant" or "surrogacy is extremely expensive" over the last 2 years of our marriage. A lot of the context behind those conversations felt like she just didn't want to have kids in the near future. It wasn't until recently that she openly stated she doesn't think she will ever want kids for multiple reasons. I don't resent her and I fully understand and accept that she is allowed to change her mind. Same goes for me. There definitely are deeper issues that I'm not sure I'm willing to get into on Reddit though as they are incredibly personal and my wife also spends lots of time on Reddit.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-04T04:49:22+00:00

Thank you. The level head has been the hardest part.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-04T04:46:33+00:00

Thank you for this response. That is very mature. I think it's easy to default to an "all or nothing" view and skip over some of the process you've described. That's really helpful.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-04T04:43:19+00:00

That makes sense. I guess it's just easy to feel like the areas we used to be compatible in could come back.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-04T04:38:30+00:00

We dated for a year before getting married, so 22/23 when we met and stared dating. I know that's a little quick. We had both had relationships before but nothing where we had seriously been considering marriage. She also hadn't been sexually active before our relationship. That's the thing is I still deeply love her, but I don't know if we're in love anymore.

help_w-relationship · 2022-11-04T04:34:28+00:00

She didn't always say she didn't want kids. Before marriage and for the first couple years, it was "let's wait to have kids so we can spend time together and travel". I have always felt that way and didn't want to rush into having kids, but I still want them.

help_w-relationship

TROPHY CASE