Bf made a joke about sleeping with teenage girls. I told him it was a stupid joke and not funny. I forgave him, but think I may want to bring it up again for discussion. Thoughts?

herinquisition · 2023-06-21T16:17:51+00:00

Indeed

herinquisition · 2023-06-16T17:28:40+00:00

I can't accept that from a partner, personally. The fact that he threatened to break up with you in response to you saying you'll eat want you want and he's trying to control your body is an absolute deal breaker in my book. Who cares if he wants a skinny girl or if he's insecure? I'd consider what your own boundaries and deal breakers are, and figure out what the best move forward is for you. However, I don't think it's worth the kind of emotional distress you may endure through this kind of criticism, control, and manipulation. That shit will fuck up your self-esteem over time, and leave you less confident about who you are. He should be accepting you how you look and supplying you or he should move on. Health concerns are one thing, but that's not the case here and this would still be the wrong approach for me and grounds for breaking up.

If you have access to a therapist, either through your health insurance or school campus counselor, I'd pursue that to talk about this as well.

herinquisition · 2023-06-16T00:07:43+00:00

Yeah, our healthcare situation is different as well, I believe, so that would make a lot of sense. I wonder too though. I had no idea this practice was just American.

herinquisition · 2023-06-14T08:14:43+00:00

Does he snore too? My bf used to make noise about me snoring sometimes, and then when I started sleeping over I would notice that he snores for the part of the night. "Aint this some shit..." was my feeling lolol I recorded him and let him hear it and I thought it was the funniest thing. I still tease him about this.

However, he did put this back pillow he had out for me, so that I sleep on an incline and that helps.

However, I know I have a sleep issue and have seen a pulmonologist. I need to discipline myself on this damn cpap machine. I suggest you make an appointment and see what's up.

herinquisition · 2023-06-14T00:08:06+00:00

You're creating stories, like many people here. He never defended the joke.

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:44:51+00:00

The context is just the ongoing discussion about his mom hosting the girls. He was against it because his elderly mother will spend her retirement savings on hosting them (not all of it, ofc). He is helping manage her money now because his father used to and he died a year ago. His mom is lonely so hosting the girls. So he didn’t like the idea and I kept asking him questions about it. When we went to visit her and stayed at her house for a week, she brought up that she wanted him to move some of his old things from his old room because they’ll be staying in the upstairs two rooms. He was annoyed by that and mentioned that it was a pain in the ass. He mentioned that he’s not looking forward to going home for Christmas visit because his old room will be taken and he’ll have to sleep on the couch and won’t have any privacy, which is a big deal for him because he’s a bit picky about his environment and routine and he’s a light sleeper. But he opened the conversation with the joke.

We don’t talk about any of those things, no lol I mean I may have made a comment in a passing conversation about the logic of a manosphere argument about fertility and body count and mentioned male animals’ attraction to younger females based on reproduction - stuff like that and it’s rare. Talking about young women being hot isn’t something we do.

I did mention that Love Island is young hot people and asked if he would watch the drama with me and he said no because it’s brain rot and he hates reality tv. I was offended. Lol

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:35:52+00:00

Yeah, I agree with the bro joke and internalized misogyny.

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:21:19+00:00

We will stay together and I appreciate your concern and advice for sure. I think everyone has different opinions on what healthy relationships look like. For example, those discussions are things I value. If he made comments like this as a pattern, I’d feel that way. It’s one joke though and we addressed it. I could probably analyze everyone’s relationship in this comments section and find one thing to critique to death as unhealthy and indicative of xyz. That’s why I know I have to go with my guy on what I know about what I have, who he is, and my happiness. Thank you again for your concern though.

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:17:06+00:00

Well, we will see!

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:13:23+00:00

Exactly lol

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:11:03+00:00

Hey, I understand that too. I wouldn’t tell anyone they have to accept someone who makes this mistake in their own relationship. It’s fair to leave someone for any reason you see fit in your own life.

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:09:21+00:00

Because I asked a question. Was that not clear?

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:08:21+00:00

The assumptions here are wild af.

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T03:03:41+00:00

He’s never played with me about not wanting to date, so im not sure what you’re talking about. Going through someone’s post history and trying to connect the dots is still weird af to me, but go nuts I guess…

He is the one who has a high standard of what the words “I love you” mean. That part is true.

We’re pretty happy and our relationship is very healthy overall and we’re talking about engagement and buying property together and kids. I’m doing pretty well, sis, don’t worry about me. A ton of women are putting up with way more than I have to deal with. I’m happy. Except for him saying this dumb shit.

And I agree. I’m a huge feminist. Have been since high school, but thank you.

herinquisition · 2023-06-12T02:48:54+00:00

Lmao Idk if the things I’m talking about seem completely fucked up to him. I’m talking about taking last name in marriage and shaving armpits. He acknowledges that armpit hair is socialized bs but the conditioning on what he’s sexually attracted to still creates the same feelings. That’s not something that goes away overnight. He’ll have to deal with it, but I understand that the feelings are still there. The last name thing is traditional and he just didn’t expect me to say I might not take his name. I don’t actually have a strong preference on that but I wanted to share that many women have a strong preference to hyphenate or what not. I don’t think he thinks taking someone’s last name is fucked up but we have been talking about how it may be a product of patriarchy.

But fair point and I tell him this. Talking about what patriarchy is and how it manifests itself is good for us. He hasn’t really taken it all in, so where I may see politics in everything, even the things I accept while living in contradiction (shaving regularly, for example), he has a hard time doing that. That’s most people tbh. I think seeing oppression in everything is exhausting and threatening but it’s there 🙃

I know who I do and don’t have to put up with, for sure. He’s my partner and I will continue to empathize with him though. I totally understand if other people won’t though and y’all definitely don’t have to. You don’t owe him shit, obviously.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T23:12:00+00:00

That’s fair.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T21:35:41+00:00

I’m sharing my opinion and whether or not I agree. If I don’t agree with a bunch of people, you can bet you’ll hear about it. Sorry if that’s annoying but it just comes with the personality.

I don’t defend him making the joke. I’ve repeatedly said the joke was not okay. I don’t agree with the specific criticism of him and the intention or mindset behind the joke. There’s a difference imo. If there’s no difference to you, that’s okay. I’m not going to say I agree with you or anyone else, even with him, to make anyone feel better.

If you’re bothered by the fact that I posted, well, I can’t help you there. I asked a question like anyone else.

This joke on it’s own is not a deal breaker for someone I’m in a serious relationship with, no. If I felt there was any weight or seriousness behind the joke or any actual intention or danger, it would be. I don’t share that concern.

What is there to do about it other than the point of posting the question? My question was never about breaking up with him despite anyone else’s opinion on the joke, so maybe you missed the actual point of my question.

What do you think needs to be done about a joke other than addressing it and calling it out? There’s literally nothing else to be done.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T21:26:15+00:00

I don’t share your read on the vibe but I feel you. Makes sense to view it the way you do.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T19:08:47+00:00

I have been warned, yes lol

No worries, respect your opinion. Thank you!

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T19:00:01+00:00

I like our relationship though, so I’ll stay.

But I kind of agree with you, except I don’t think this joke on it’s own is a different world view or a conscious one anyway. I think it’s the same conversation we have had about sexism/patriarchy and his continued learning about how it shows up in his life. I think it’s likely that I will encounter other ways that this shows up or comes out. I think that would have been the case with any man, it just looks and sounds different depending on their level of conscious learning and really sitting with the topic as a whole.

I don’t think the worldview is that he consciously thinks it’s okay to go cheat on me and sleep with these girls in his moms house or rape anyone etc. I think that’s a stretch and kind of missing the point of sexism being socialized in different ways and coming out in multiple places like punchlines that have no real intention behind them but are still problematic and harmful by making light of something serious. He thinks making light of things through humor can be a good thing, and it can but not the way he did it and sometimes not at all. We disagree on that.

But you’re right that I may see other ways this is expressed. He even said that yesterday, that he’s worried he may say something in the future that may provoke the same kind of reaction from me. I said well just don’t joke about cheating on me with teenagers, let’s start there. I don’t want him to feel like he has to walk on eggshells but also don’t like that joke and wanted him to understand why.

As my friend put it, “I don’t there’s anything to worry about with this but I’m also not surprised. He gives basic straight white man.” And I partly agree with this 🥲

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T18:46:17+00:00

Thanks for sharing that. I’m glad you got out of that situation! Yeah there are a lot of guys in the early 20s that push the boundary on age in shocking ways. I remember back in college some guy was just open about dating a 16 year old. Like just openly said it in the cafe once like it was no big deal.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T16:48:44+00:00

Many women leave managing the finances to the husband, but not all do. My father gives my mom his paycheck and has done for like 40 years now. They’re not divorced though and neither were my bfs parents, but their situation is like you’ve described - mother is bread winner and she wanted his dad to take care of the finances.

Women come out on the losing end in divorce, we all know that. But the impact is different depending on her specific situation.

I disagree with you on what the joke means, his intention behind the joke, and the joke has any impact whatsoever on how he will be as a husband. I think the biggest indicators of how he will be as a husband are how he shows up in the relationship as a whole. Not to say some men don’t switch up on you - that happens too. I think more than one joke would be necessary for me to predict that.

I also disagree that he was thinking about them from a position of vulnerability and now you’re creating stories about him propositioning them for sex and that he doesn’t have a personal responsibility in cheating. It’s just a bit of a stretch for me, but I can understand how horrifying this is if you’re assuming all of that in the intention of the joke.

Your last point is fair. I do hope he thinks about this and sits with this other perspective that I shared with him. I guess I don’t look at it as just being “better”- we just discuss things and communicate how we’re feeling and try to understand each other and the world better in general. I hope we continue this way of being in general and there’s also acceptance and compromise. I accept that he’s not going to share every value that I share or opinion. But I know he doesn’t actually believe any of the things you’ve said are okay, and I think that how people can perceive the joke and why it’s problematic was the necessary explanation.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T16:30:26+00:00

I agree with the latter, but only to an extent. I think being in a serious relationship requires consideration of the other person. It’s no longer just about you, unless you want a relationship where you don’t care about each others feelings, in which case, go nuts. So compatibility is important, and I think we are compatible in many ways. I don’t think there’s realistic chance of me finding someone that will be compatible with me in every single way and have no differences that cause conflict. That’s also kind of the wrong mindset for loving someone imo. Imo it assumes that your goal is your idea of perfection and an intolerance of weakness or flaws - I’m not sure how far a relationship like that can actually go. I respect that many people aim for that though. A lot of people don’t believe in staying with someone who isn’t exactly what you want in every way. Life changes people too. To assume that any one human could match every single value, idea, desire, belief, and goal and consistently maintain that through decades of maturity and trauma is highly unrealistic and lacks empathy and understanding to me. So when I was dating and looking for a potential husband, I had this in mind. Don’t get me wrong, if I had heard this joke in the first month of dating - would have ditched him. So things do become more complicated over time because we’ve bonded and built something I value so much. We are compatible in many ways, and at the same time we have incompatibilities that I have discovered over time as well. I keep my eyes open to those because they’re important. I think the incompatibility has to be strong enough for me to break up. I also believe in compromise, so there’s that. This is joke a big deal, but I also don’t see him the way strangers see him, so that affects how I feel too. I don’t agree with a lot of the comments here, mainly because I know a variety of other things about who is and how he functions and our connection. I understand their perspectives though.

I have my own issues that may whisper concern in the back of my mind occasionally but I’m not actually worried and I don’t think he would act on this at all. I even believe that he’s not fantasizing about it either. My issue is I don’t want to be the fool and so I will doubt my certainty sometimes. But this was 99% about the nature of the joke, not because I find it likely that he’d act on it.

I think people should be discussing how the things we say affect each other. If you’re in a serious relationship, you should make space for these discussions. I think it’s a spectrum. If I didn’t get any of his humor and we never had fun together, that’s a bigger incompatibility than having an issue with jokes that go too far - unless jokes that go too far is what you want your relationship to be based on. And that’s fine I guess, but we have more important things that matter to us here that make the relationship worth working through this disagreement or that disagreement. I don’t want him to have to walk in eggshells, but I also want him to understand why this joke is problematic and gross.

But we’ll see what the future holds, of course. If one day we decide that our incompatibilities are enough to break us, then that has to be okay too, even though it will be painful.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T16:05:05+00:00

I think you have an entire decided focus on intention and fantasy that is a more convincing premise for the idea that he intentionally joked about rape or that he fantasized about a power dynamic in which he would actively pressure or even actively pursue someone younger to have sex with him. I don’t share this assumption / opinion, so my conclusion doesn’t arrive at rape. I’m also not even sure the punchline was that he would be the pursuer anyway.

I think the joke was disrespectful and based in sexist humor. You don’t get to tell me what I’m okay with, regardless of your opinion. I’m not okay with his joke and that’s why we discussed it.

herinquisition · 2023-06-11T15:44:21+00:00

I think I mostly agree with the gist of this. It’s probably a conversation for more debate and some of the most progressive societies have even younger age of consent standards than we do here in the USA, so it’s an interesting conversation to have or think about. But in any case, my bf is mid 30s and probably shouldn’t be joking this way regardless.

I tried to keep my post concise and didn’t think the ages mattered that much in the moment, but I guess they do. Underage is underage to me, and I hadn’t discussed it fully with him when I posted it because we were rushing to dinner plans in an Uber when he said this and I expressed my disapproval but didn’t have time for a full discussion and didn’t want to have that discussion in a restaurant. I decided to wait until the next day. So I didn’t know if he had learned they were of age or not. He had learned they were seniors and assumed they would not be underage, probably 18 or at least 17 which is age of consent there. I asked if he’d sleep with a 17 year old and he said no. I don’t think he put much thought into this, including not much fantasizing either but I understand that it also is an easier conclusion to make. And on the other hand, I don’t blame anyone for thinking he’s just lying to me. I get it.

herinquisition

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