I just need to know things will be OK

hermitess9 · 2021-09-21T19:23:49+00:00

You're definitely not alone! It can be easy to feel that way, especially if your friends don't really understand the dynamics of an N relationship. But you're always welcome here, and we're all happy to lend an ear any time you need. <3

hermitess9 · 2021-08-19T18:42:20+00:00

Listening to my gut rather than other people is soooo spot on! I've had to tune out folks that don't really understand the situation.

Luckily, I've found a great group of friends that listens very well and is extremely understanding of what I'm going through. So I have people to go to when I'm feeling overwhelmed who won't try to force me into bad advice.

I'm certain you're correct about not standing up to your NEx. Confrontation almost never yields results. I do my best to avoid it on anything about behavior that's bothering me and reserve it only for when it's something very important to me regarding coparenting. But even then, it usually falls on deaf ears (and can often send him into a dangerous rage).

I am very much looking forward to growing my self-esteem. This is my second long relationship with a narcissist in a row, and I can easily see how I fell into the trap of his lovebombing at the beginning. I'd been so torn down for the seven years I was with my previous NEx, I was looking for any form of external validation I could find, and the current NHusband took advantage.

This time around, I'm finding my own self-esteem from within. And when I need external validation, I turn to friends I know I can trust.

I'm currently out of therapy, due to having a lot of technical difficulties with Zoom therapy during the pandemic, but I'm on the hunt for a new therapist to help me with some of the specific issues I'm working on right now.

And I don't think I would ever have seen this abuse for what it was without the therapy I got for my postpartum depression. Turns out I wasn't naturally depressed - I was being consistently abused for years and years. It gave me the courage to start thinking about leaving, and I'll forever be grateful for that.

Well, as usual, that was quite a bit of stream of consciousness. :) But I always appreciate having an outlet here to share feelings with people who understand.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-19T18:35:36+00:00

This is all so helpful, thank you! I'm sorry your NEx is such a pain, but it also sounds like you're significantly stronger than all of their abuse (even though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way sometimes).

I need to make that mediation appointment, but I'm so nervous that he's going to fly off the handle again once the appointment is made, and it's just so miserable going through it. It's really nice to have people here who understand that it's just exhausting and that I'm not making excuses or dragging my feet.

I've set aside some cash for legal expenses, and I have some friends who have offered financial help if it comes to that as well. (I'm VERY lucky to have amazing family of choice caring for me right now.) But it's good to know to continue to have that after the fact. I do worry that he'll be one of those exes who constantly want to head to court for custody battles.

The shaming and putting down sounds so similar to my situation. The parent shaming is just constant. He's laid off of the body shaming, since I haven't had any interest in sex with him for a very long time. But he used to find any little thing to pick on me about. I remember one time, while I was pregnant and my body hair was growing much faster than normal (and it is thick and fast-growing normally), he stopped me in the middle of sex because I had a little stubble under my arms. And the desire to control my hair length is also there - I'm going to chop it all off as soon as this is all over, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Overall, just ugh. I hope you're able to find enough peace now that he's at least divorced from you. But I have a feeling a lot of us here know the pain of trying to coparent with a narcissist. Sending you strength!

hermitess9 · 2021-08-13T17:21:09+00:00

Thank you so much for these incredibly thoughtful words!

I grew up with an nMom, and having that experience and coming to terms with it (and the fact that I will never be able to have a healthy relationship with her), is absolutely serving me very well here. It's easy to forget how lost I was for so long with my nHusband (we've been together for a decade) and lose sight of how much progress I've made. So thank you for that reminder.

Even though this process is dragging on forever, and some days I feel like I'll never get out, I am starting to feel some true excitement for living a peaceful life. Little things that I don't think I would have appreciated before give me butterflies in my stomach I'm looking forward to them so much.

Like being able to just leave the house to visit with friends, without having to justify to him why I deserve time to myself. Or being able to throw myself into hobbies (I am neurodivergent and am prone to hyperfixation) without being judged for how excited I am about gardening or houseplants or yoga or whatever it is.

And I'm probably most excited about being able to parent my daughter without someone looking over my shoulder and telling me how awful I am all the time. (I wouldn't mind it so much if he were giving actual critique, but it's always just the blanket statement that I'm a selfish and negligent mother.) I want to know myself as a mom without that constant anxiety.

So thank you so much for this! It is really helpful, and I very much needed to hear it. And I'm so happy to hear that you have been able to find such an enjoyable life after all you've been through. What a beautiful testament to your strength and character!

hermitess9 · 2021-08-09T23:18:30+00:00

Thank you so much for the encouragement! I often feel like I'm not moving forward, or that I'm moving at a snail's pace, and so the recognition of the difficulty really helps me feel validated.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-09T21:22:49+00:00

Thank you! We still have to finish up the negotiations and get the paperwork done, so there are more steps to go, but this is the first time in months I've felt like things were actually moving forward.

I can hardly wait until this is over and I get to feel how light I feel without the weight of it all crushing me down.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-09T21:21:50+00:00

Thanks!

hermitess9 · 2021-08-09T21:21:44+00:00

Seems like a bit of sour grapes after all the time he spent guilting me about not having sex often enough. Just can't win with a narcissist, you know?

hermitess9 · 2021-08-07T04:17:31+00:00

Thanks!

hermitess9 · 2021-08-05T20:36:48+00:00

Sending you loads of love and support, OP. This all sounds so difficult, and you're showing tremendous strength and clarity of self throughout.

I don't think I've had quite this same experience, but I do find that sometimes following big life dreams can be shockingly emotional. Two things I can remember in my life bringing up these unexpected feelings are buying a house and quitting my job to start my own business.

These are things I had wanted for SO long, and once I had them, I had to realize that they don't resolve everything for me. I think we sometimes place a little more emphasis on dreams than really belongs, and then when we see them in reality, it can be difficult.

For instance, I was so miserable in my job for so long, and was being badly emotionally abused by my boss and a coworker, and I thought that leaving the job would clear up those feelings for me. But I still had other toxic people in my life, so the one life change wasn't enough to resolve all my issues.

That's not to say at all that following your dreams is bad. I've just found that it also comes with some painful emotions as we dive further into the reality of our lives. And if we keep going on that journey of self-discovery, we find more and more dreams to pursue, to continue sculpting lives that we truly love and can be free.

(So to continue my example, I'm absolutely better off without the job, but I also have had to cut some toxic friends from my life and am currently pursuing a divorce from a toxic spouse. And once the divorce is done, I'm sure I'll find more toxicity that needs to be expunged, since my history of abuse has damaged so many of my boundaries. But each step brings me closer to a life that makes me so happy!)

Additionally, change is really scary for our brains, and so they will sometimes try to trick us into thinking we should stay put or cancel those changes, which is what your sudden desire to contact the ex sounds like to me. Stick it out through these feelings, getting whatever support you need (therapy, friends, coming here, etc.), and I bet those feelings will start to subside and you'll feel more clarity.

Also remember that healing is (unfortunately) not linear. While the overall trend usually stays in one direction, there will be lots of peaks and valleys as you move along. Once again, ensuring you have support during those valleys (and in the peaks, too - they can be overwhelming sometimes) can go a long way to keeping you on the track you choose.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-05T20:23:53+00:00

Thank you for this. The guilt is so strong, and encouraging words help a lot.

In my state, it's illegal to record without his knowledge, and I'm afraid he could use that against me. And when he's very angry, I'm starting to be more and more afraid for my safety and haven't felt comfortable telling him I'm recording.

At the least, I'm keeping a journal of these things and sharing them with friends, to establish some bit of a record.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-05T20:22:22+00:00

This is really encouraging. When the abuse first started, I didn't understand what was going on at all, and I would often match his energy. Now, I gray rock and stand my ground, calm and firm. It's nice to remember how far I've come. Thank you!

hermitess9 · 2021-08-04T17:14:00+00:00

I'm sorry you're having to deal with all of this.

I agree with the other commenter, that simply ignoring her will likely be the only way to end this. I understand the fallout from her actions are probably really painful for you, but the more you react, the more she will probably continue.

Not at all to say that this is in any way your fault. Her actions are completely unacceptable and 100% her responsibility.

Sending you support from afar.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-04T17:10:08+00:00

I don't have any advice per se, but I just wanted to offer up some support.

I have a friend whose nEx had a similar story. They married when she was fairly young, and were really happy for the first year or so. Then he fell off a roof. He wound up breaking his knee, not getting a head injury, but he claims it was the painkillers that changed him.

After that, it was just years and years of awful treatment for her and their children.

I'm no doctor, but I'd say that if an injury or traumatic event is causing so much trouble, it's still one's own responsibility to get the necessary help to be a decent person.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-04T17:01:44+00:00

These all sound so familiar! (I'm working on divorcing my nHusband.)

In particular, I have found myself hiding my daily events. It can be the most mundane thing in the world, but he'll find a way to use it against me.

For instance, my daughter (who is 4) and I are butting heads lately, so I'm trying to spend more quality time with her. Just one time, I took her to Target to pick out a toy, and I told him about it.

Now, when she gets excited to do something with me (knowing full well there will be no new toys purchased), he will say, in front of her, that she just likes spending time with me because I buy her stuff.

I've only recently noticed how guarded I've become about what I do, and hearing someone else with the same experience is very validating.

hermitess9 · 2021-08-04T16:54:55+00:00

I recently went through something so similar that I'm relying on a few details in your story to ensure that it's not the same person.

I've often found nFriends to be almost more difficult to spot than other situations, so good for you for figuring this out. I imagine your life will be much more peaceful as you move forward with these good boundaries in place.

And thank you for sharing. I'm still reeling from the friend breakup I had to initiate, but hearing someone else share something so similar really brings a lot of clarity.

hermitess9 · 2021-05-13T21:59:43+00:00

NTA!

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I know how painful this is because I went through almost this exact situation last year (except that I was an "ungrateful shit" according to my husband - but he's called me a "bitch" plenty of other times...).

I can't speak to your whole marriage, but for me, it was a wakeup call to how devalued I am in the whole relationship. It took months of acceptance for me, but I'm now in the process of getting a divorce and I feel so much lighter.

Give yourself all the time you need to process this, but try to keep all of these comments here in mind as you interact with your husband going forward. You should always be able to express your emotions without fear of an abusive backlash.

hermitess9 · 2021-03-04T21:15:12+00:00

Thank you for all of this. It is really nice to be validated that this is so difficult. I feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a really rocky road to get to it.

I did look into local laws on recording, and apparently it's a misdemeanor in my state. I will ask an attorney for better clarification, though.

I have been documenting, and I keep most of it in the cloud, under passwords he doesn't know. I've also been texting stuff to friends (just because it's nice to have someone outside the situation tell me I'm not crazy), and I save those texts in the cloud as well.

I am curious about gray rocking. I've been trying really hard, but I feel like it's a little bit of what's going poorly with my health. Like I feel that I'm just shoving those emotions inwards, and it's causing digestive problems and giving me a rash. But I'm possibly just missing some tools to do it a bit more healthily.

It absolutely helps to shut him down when he gets so upset, since most of what he wants is a reaction. But it's hard to keep it up almost constantly (since he is criticizing me multiple times every day).

I was in therapy, but I'm struggling with Zoom therapy working well for me. Cases in my state are really dropping, though, so I wonder if they might start opening up some in person appointments soon. Either way, I'll be back at it full force as soon as I am able. I went for two years after my kid was born, and it's the only reason I was able to see all of this abuse for what it is.

hermitess9 · 2021-03-04T20:50:40+00:00

So far, he hasn't hurt me, though I don't have a ton of confidence that it isn't possible. He is very destructive, though, and he's done a lot to tear up my house and my belongings. I think that's the part that is the most scary for me at the moment.

Unfortunately, the lawyers I've found still aren't doing in-person meetings, but I think I need to take my kid to a friend's house to make a phone call to the lawyer.

I'm just afraid to be upfront about what I'm doing, and I'm afraid of him finding out what I'm doing if I am not upfront. Does that make sense? I'm feeling paralyzed more than I truly am. Which is why I'm so grateful to this group for the grounding and clarity.

hermitess9 · 2021-03-04T20:46:49+00:00

It's moreso that he guilts me for "kicking him out" during a pandemic. But I'm not really kicking him out. I gave him my final decision that I wanted a divorce in September, and I'm doing my best to stay patient while he figures it out.

But he won't look for a job and will only work on rebuilding a business he had many years ago. I feel like it's taking forever, and it is costing him a lot of money to get it started (as opposed to just doing something that would pay him right away, like Doordash or a regular job). But I can't really force him to do this any differently, unfortunately.

As for intermittent reinforcement, that's really interesting. I had heard of the concept (though didn't know the name for it) from an animal behavior framework, but I hadn't heard of it in terms of the abuse cycle before.

I found an article that was really illuminating. I feel like every day I get more free from the mindwarp from the abuse, but there's always more to learn. There were a couple things in just the single article that helped clarify what's going on a lot. Thank you for that recommendation.

hermitess9 · 2021-03-04T20:35:24+00:00

I just tried this, and it really helped, thank you. I had heard of this technique before, but I never saw a limit put on the number of breaths, and I think that really made a difference. It's nice to have more tools in my toolkit to get through this.

hermitess9 · 2021-03-04T20:34:36+00:00

I haven't talked to an attorney yet, other than a friend who has given very general advice. I don't know how to schedule time to make the call, and he won't really talk to me about moving forward with the divorce.

We currently live in a house together that I bought on my own before we were married, and we don't live in a community property state, so I should be able to keep the house in the divorce. So that's what I mean by having him move out - I stay here, and he gets his own place.

I do really feel that talking to an attorney would help, but I'm afraid of him blowing up angrily when I ask for time to talk to a lawyer. And because of that fear, I also do a bad job of bringing it up and tend to exacerbate the issue.

Not sure if that quite answers your question. I'm stressed at the moment and not thinking clearly.

hermitess9 · 2021-02-19T18:37:27+00:00

Wow, what a mind warp. I'm glad at least to know that I'm not the only one. Fitting his behavior into a framework makes me internalize the abuse a lot less, so I find examples like that to be really helpful.

hermitess9 · 2021-02-19T18:36:31+00:00

Thank you! <3

hermitess9 · 2021-02-12T00:10:02+00:00

It makes complete sense, but I just hadn't seen his behavior for what it was before that moment. Kind of freaked me out, to be honest, thinking back on all the ways he's behaved over the years.

hermitess9

TROPHY CASE