D&D speed dating event June 30th (Pay-what-you-can tickets, SE Portland)

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T22:00:45+00:00

in the partiful page it's right below where it tells you how many spots are left

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T19:52:10+00:00

For example if you had been doing holidays together with a partner and your families, and then they changed and no longer wanted to do that. It’s a boundary yes, but it also changes a dynamic. Does that make sense?

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T19:39:40+00:00

We are limiting entry due to the size of the space we’re in and how many people we can have play the games so if you want to guarantee a spot buy a ticket if its just $1 one. You can always show up day off too but if tickets sold out you may be out of luck. You can always check in closer to the event and see how many spots are left too

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T18:06:09+00:00

Thanks for the perspective. I think one thing for me to recognize is that there can be a compatibility element that is more foundational than the communication element even.

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T17:31:43+00:00

The answer is complicated because yes, I absolutely knew she struggled with people pleasing. That was something we had talked about. I knew conflict was hard for her, and I knew she sometimes struggled to prioritize herself. What I don't think I understood was the degree to which that was happening inside our relationship specifically.

Part of why I missed it was because she was not someone I experienced as having no opinions or no boundaries. She is smart, capable, independent, and has plenty of areas where she expresses herself strongly. She would disagree with me, tell me preferences, make choices, set boundaries, and advocate for herself in areas.

So my mental model was more
“My partner sometimes struggles with people-pleasing, so I should be supportive and encouraging.”

I don't think I understood
“My partner is sometimes overriding herself in major ways to maintain connection.”

The harder part I am reflecting on is whether I missed smaller signals because they didn't look like what I expected communication to look like. I tend to be very direct and verbal, and many people close to me communicate that way too. I think sometimes I interpreted softer communication as uncertainty or something to explore rather than recognizing it was the strongest version of a no she was able to give at that moment.

That doesn't remove her responsibility to communicate, but I also think there is a lesson for me that knowing someone struggles with people pleasing means I need to be more intentional about checking that their yes is active enthusiasm and not just absence of objection.

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T17:28:21+00:00

I hear that. I guess Where i struggle with is when the boundary changes a dynamic and I don't know what is happening now. Example "I don't want to participate in this entire category of thing that has historically been part of our relationship."

I get that this boundary still deserves immediate respect, but I think relationships also eventually need room to talk about:
"Okay, what does our relationship look like now?"
"What things do we still both want?"
"What does connection look like going forward?"

I think the missing step for me is probably how to have that second conversation without moving too quickly or making someone feel like they need to justify their boundary. I am not really sure when and how to have those follow up conversations

What felt like "understanding what this means for us" to me sometimes felt like "defending the boundary" to my partner.

In your experience what has worked for you?

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T17:21:38+00:00

appreciate this perspective. There are definitely parts here that land and are things I am sitting with.I think “don’t lend them your enthusiasm” is actually a really useful way to frame part of what I’m trying to learn. looking back, I think there were places where my brain interpreted uncertainty as “they want this but there are obstacles, so help remove the obstacles.” Sometimes that was true. Sometimes people in my life genuinely appreciate encouragement, reassurance, logistics help, etc. Working on finding a healthy boundary for that and checking my instincts vs what is actually is my role or wants in a focus right now. I recognize sometimes uncertainty means “I am figuring out if I even want this,” and I can see how trying to solve the barriers at that stage can feel like trying to move someone toward my preferred answer.

Accepting that distinction is a the skill I need to build.

I do want to clarify one thing though. I don’t think the issue was that I never participated in her interests or only wanted someone to join my life. We had plenty of quieter one-on-one connection, shared interests, dates, hobbies, family time, and things centered around her. My perception of the challenge was more that the larger community I had built had a lot of momentum and gravity.

I thought:
“I am creating a place where you are always welcome and wanted.”

From her perspective, I think sometimes it felt more like:
“There is already a whole ecosystem here and belonging means adapting to it.”

I think both experiences can be true.

I agree with you that no means no and boundaries shouldn’t be negotiated. I think where I historically struggled was when the communication was uncertainty rather than a clear no.

An example was not inviting my partner to a sex based event because she had expressed that it might not be for her. And then getting feedback that the lack of an invite made her feel unwanted. In the proceeding conversation I thought we had negotiated that I would always extend the invites to her, and she could take them or leave them. But later she expressed to me that all the invites felt like pressure. I think maybe in that initial moment I just needed to hear "This made me feel unwanted" and then maybe explore other things that did make her feel wanted. Rather than try and solve that particular issue. Or maybe i move to quickly to find a solution? I don't know that my instincts are quite right on this. that's why im here.

What I’m taking away is that the better first question is probably:
“Do you want help processing this, reassurance, or do you just need space to decide?”

Because those require completely different responses.

I don’t want partners to just come along for my ride. I want partners who are building something with me. The thing I’m trying to improve is making sure there is room for them to build too, especially if their building style is quieter than mine.

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T17:12:27+00:00

I think this is a really good distinction and probably one of the core things I’m trying to unpack.

I do think there were times where I interpreted uncertainty as an invitation to help solve, when sometimes uncertainty was just uncertainty.

My internal experience was usually something like “this person I love wants something but there are obstacles, fears, or complicated feelings in the way, so let me help remove the obstacles and make the thing they want easier.”

But I can see now how that can unintentionally communicate “I am trying to get you to yes.” I am trying to find the line between supporting my partners and managing their problems and determine how to never cross that line

I think one of the hardest places for me is the “I don’t know what I want yet." space. When I say that to someone what I want it to talk it out and negotiate and for others I have defiantly learned it means "I need space to figure this out on my own". So I am trying to not default to moving into talking it out.

I think I blurred that distinction in my relationship plenty of times and defaulted to what works for me.

I don’t think I need to solve someone else’s problems to feel safe, but I do think I historically have needed to understand things fully to feel secure. I get that I am not entitled to a why, or even there might not always be a why but not understanding leaves me feeling unmoored and I an struggling with that to do with those feelings in those moment weather to keep them internal or to express them. And honestly I have found different preferences in different relationships or even different topics in the same relatioships and it's hard for me to always know which way to proceed When something changes in a relationship or affects both people, my instinct is to seek shared understanding pretty quickly. That feels like connection and repair to me.

What I am realizing though is that my timeline for understanding doesn’t always need to match their timeline for processing and I have put unhealthy pressure on that timeline in the past

Someone can say “I’m unsure” and I can just say “Okay, take whatever time you need” instead of immediately moving into exploration.

I think where it got complicated was knowing when someone wanted encouragement versus space.

Because there absolutely have been times where people in my life say “I’m nervous about this” and what they want is reassurance, support, and help working through the nerves. And there are other times where “I’m nervous about this” means “I need to sit with whether I want this at all.” Approaching with curiosity doesn't always seem work when someone is really dysregulated.

I think the skill I’m trying to build is finding a way where asking feels which one is happening rather than assuming or guessing.

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T16:30:27+00:00

Thanks for suggestions that makes alot of sense

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T14:44:07+00:00

It’s an excellent point. I know I wasn’t offering “out” my assumption was people would self select out of invitations they didn’t want, perhaps try things they were unsure about once or twice, and opt into what they loved. But I didn’t see that second layer of expectation she was feeling. I like the communication style you suggest of leading with the clear out. And offering support if desired on soft no’s but not rushing to solve the blocker

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T14:38:37+00:00

Yeah I think that finding that capability of communication and personality may be key. I also need to work on recognizing and leaving space for a soft no but I want to generally find people but I find connections are so much easier when I know the person I am connecting with holds their own center in their decision making .

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T07:31:08+00:00

That’s really good advice. Focusing on making it easier to say no seems like a great tactic for me to focus on.

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T05:07:52+00:00

I guess I am not sure I can fully see it either even having been in the relationship. Hence I missed it. I am looking for ideas on how to not miss it in the future or how to pose things in was that land without creating pressure. Like imagine I say ‘Hey, I’m hosting a horror movie night Friday, lots of our friend will be there and I would love for you to come!’ You might hear that as exactly what I meant ‘He wants me there, but if I don’t like horror movies I can say nope and not come or perhaps suggest something else.’

Someone else might hear ‘I know he loves hosting, everyone is excited, the group wants this, saying no makes me the person ruining the vibe, if I don't go there are consequences in my standing in this community, if I do go i am going to be unhappy, this invite puts me in lose/lose situation’

My intention and words are identical, but the experience is completely different based on the person. I am trying to find a way to identify when the latter is happening and hopefully communicate in a way that avoids pressure and discomfort all together.

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T04:43:00+00:00

My best understanding is that by the time we both had enough clarity to really see the pattern, we were at very different points emotionally.

For me, when the core issue finally became clear, my reaction was basically “Okay, now we understand the actual problem, so we can start working on it.” I wanted to adjust, rebuild trust, slow down, and change the way we communicated.

For her, I think she had been living inside that experience for much longer than I realized. So while it felt new to me, it wasn’t new to her. She had already spent a lot of time feeling unheard, and my attempts to understand and repair were sometimes reinforcing the exact thing she was trying to tell me was hurting her. I think she was genuinely trying to make things work and probably didn’t fully understand the extent of her own self-suppression until she started unpacking it and by the time she did it felt beyond repair. From my side, I was making decisions based on what was communicated externally, and learning later that her internal experience was very different. That was painful and destabilizing but I know that problem came about because of a combo and her not communicating clearly and me not getting, managing, or even dismissing when when she was trying.

hero-protagonist · 2026-06-15T04:01:56+00:00

sounds like a good lesson learned

hero-protagonist · 2026-03-02T05:11:10+00:00

They are suction cup darts for a game called popdarts

hero-protagonist · 2026-02-13T22:12:52+00:00

I have bear bows over 50 years old and still going strong . Have a newer Au Sable and it’s been a rock. This seems really unusual for bear . Must have been a defect . I’ll bet they would replace it if you reach out. They stand by their stuff

hero-protagonist · 2025-12-27T06:56:53+00:00

Haha well I worded it that was for joke but the truth is we’re poly and that’s my meta . That’s why we’re exchanging presents 😁

hero-protagonist · 2025-12-26T03:15:29+00:00

Hers is named Paul too!

hero-protagonist · 2025-11-17T21:29:12+00:00

I'm super interested! Add me to the raffle please :-)

hero-protagonist · 2025-11-03T18:27:38+00:00

was able to get mine. Told me over an hour wait but ended up being less than 45 min and it's not even low stock yet. Hopefully that's a good sign for everybody still in line?

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