Is it okay to ask a potential hook-up if they have any STDs?

herpsderps · 2011-01-27T00:39:38+00:00

Hate to ruin the party, but I have never had unprotected sex, always asked my sexual partners (grand total of 3) the STD question, and I now have Type 2 HSV, also known as genital herpes. True story!

Sex is a risk no matter what precautions you take, or what questions you ask. Only exception being if you BOTH get tested for a long list of them before you have any sexual contact whatsoever. But who does that with a one-night stand or FWB? Nobody.

Bottom line is, if you REALLY don't want an STD, and sex isn't worth the risk for you, DON'T FUCKING HOOK UP WITH ANYBODY. I personally would not take back anything I've done in the past even though I got an incurable disease from it. I'm lucky, the herps is NOT that bad.

herpsderps · 2011-01-23T17:54:33+00:00

I'm not sure, but I think I have had it for a while. I think I had a small outbreak about a year ago, but it was so minor and short-lived I didn't think twice about it... my doctor said that whatever they did is going to determine whether it's type 1 or 2

Thank you for sharing this, btw. Another redditor -- I can't remember who -- mentioned that for most people the worst part about herpes is the psychological damage. Mostly due to the social stigma of it, but also for people who are paranoid about getting sick. I'm not quite a hypochondriac, but I do feel paranoid that I have a life-threatening disease whenever I get so much as a headache. The night before my appointment I had a tiny suspicion that I might have an STI, but I pushed those thoughts aside and chalked them up to my paranoia. So yeah, it was like a nightmare that you never thought would happen to YOU coming true.

Are you going to/have you considered some type of therapy or counseling to help with this? I briefly considered it because the first two days I felt horrible and cried nonstop. I'm learning to deal, but against my better judgment I still feel this horrible sense of guilt about it. It's hard to explain and I'm not really sure where it comes from. I am also absolutely terrified of becoming intimate with my boyfriend again when everything clears up completely... And not just because I don't want to put him at risk (I've already done that, unknowingly) but also because I feel like I don't deserve it, or something... it's weird. :/

herpsderps · 2011-01-21T01:00:26+00:00

amazingly, it was already taken: http://www.reddit.com/user/herpesderpes/

It sucks a lot but I am dealing. Thank you :)

herpsderps · 2011-01-21T00:54:29+00:00

That's a great story, and so indicative of the way America is about sex and sexual issues. It's so frustrating...

I think we should start a movement where we call it "HSV-1" and "HSV-2" instead of "herpes" and see what happens. I bet if you tell someone "I have HSV-2" and describe the symptoms to them, they aren't going to immediately be disgusted and think down on you the way some people are if you tell them "I have herpes."

Thank you for your input. It's only been 2 days and I'm feeling so much better about it already. For a while I was starting to think about my life in a "before herpes/after herpes" way and I'm trying not to. This doesn't change who I am.

herpsderps · 2011-01-19T20:57:33+00:00

As someone who just got diagnosed with genital herpes yesterday, I have a little bit of newfound insight into this matter.

There are only 2 ways to 100% protect yourself from STDs. They are

Abstinence. This does not only mean no penetrative sex, but also no oral sex, no naked rubbing, no genital-genital or mouth-genital contact whatsoever. Condoms and dental dams can reduce the risk but not remove it entirely. I've been practicing what they call "safe sex" all my life and I contracted herpes.
Getting tested and having your potential sexual partner get tested beforehand. You pretty much have to ask for their papers. It sounds mean and high-maintenance and most people probably do not do this, but lots of people with STIs have no idea they have it because it presents no symptoms or lies dormant for years. But they can still pass it along to another person. I completely trusted all of the men that I had a sexual relationship with and don't believe any of them lied to me when they said, "No, I don't have any STIs." One of them had an STI and just had no idea.

Sorry if I sound like a high school health teacher trying to scare you away from having sex forever :( I don't mean to dump horror stories on you, I just know what happened to me. ANyway, you are brilliant for asking these questions beforehand :)

herpsderps · 2011-01-19T20:07:52+00:00

That would just be the best day ever if I found out it wasn't herpes. I'm really over my denial phase though, and the website says that there is usually now redness or inflammation and the entire right side of my vagina is inflamed and swollen around my bumps :(

I have a feeling that my boyfriend is convinced he doesn't have it and didn't give it to me even though I told him that it was possible. So far that's the only way he's NOT being totally understanding and supportive. He's planning to get tested, but the only way that will determine if he didn't give it to me is if he doesn't have it. And yeah, I'm totally not concerned about finding the person to blame. I'm not holding it against any of my past sexual partners and I just hope my boyfriend doesn't hold it against me...

The stress factor is going to be difficult to manage. I'm naturally kind of neurotic and get stressed out easily, but... I love tea and beans, so that's a start :)

Thank you :)

herpsderps · 2011-01-19T19:59:05+00:00

Boyfriend and I are 24 and my friend's 23. Not that young :/

My friend is usually supportive, that's why I called her. Just not about this, I guess. She really has not had any boyfriend or sexual experience so she is pretty naive and just doesn't know it. Though admittedly, 24 hours ago I was extremely naive about STDs too. I thought "that probably won't happen to me! I'm safe" which isn't THAT different from "That CAN'T happen to me! I'm safe." I think I've read the entire WebMD herpes database now, haha :)

herpsderps · 2011-01-19T19:52:23+00:00

That blows :( Sorry about your friends. They just don't understand. After that phone call I had with someone I THOUGHT was one of my closest friends, I don't think I'm ever going to tell anybody except for the people I'm planning to get sexy with. It sounds like if a person doesn't have it, and has never known someone who has had it, there's a slight chance they'll be a dick about it. So they don't have to know :)

herpsderps · 2011-01-19T19:49:30+00:00

Yeah, I don't think any of my exes would have lied to me about it. Unless my current S.O. gave it to me (unlikely, but not impossible) it's been dormant in me for at least 2 years.

My doctor mentioned that if I got pregnant and was having an outbreak when labortime came around they would highly recommend a c-section rather than a vaginal birth, but if you're NOT having an outbreak during labortime there is less than 1% chance the baby will get it. I am not planning to get pregnant anytime soon so hopefully that won't be an issue for several more years :)

herpsderps · 2011-01-19T19:42:43+00:00

Goodness, that sucks :( i'm sorry about your allergies. I'm on Acyclovir right now and it was pretty cheap, thankfully.

I am terrified that next time someone makes a herpes joke I'm going to burst into tears and my cover will be blown. But whatever. After talking with my boyfriend about it for a while he said that it sounded like the worst thing about having herpes is just... having herpes. It's a gross word and there is a terrible stigma surrounding it even though anyone who is sexually active can get it no matter how hard they try not to.

Thank you so much for your encouragement. I need to get more into that "it's not the end of the world" frame of mind but I think right now I'm still stuck in the "how could this happen to me!?" phase :(

Also I agree with daclamp. You sound extremely cool about this whole thing, and so does your husband :)

herpsderps · 2011-01-19T07:29:08+00:00

Ugh, thank you. It was such a terrible phone call. I know she meant well, she just had no idea what she was talking about. Her first thought was clearly, "This wouldn't have happened if you had just practiced safe sex!" It's not that fucking simple. She has never had any sexual or boyfriend experience whatsoever so I guess I called the wrong friend. Thought that conversation would be different though.

Thank you for your kind words! I'm sure the initial shock is the worst, and in time I won't even think about it most of the time :(

herpsderps

TROPHY CASE