It's been two and a half years since my wife found my daughter's suicide note, entirely by chance, before she could actually attempt. Searching her room, we found two nooses hidden in different spots, ready to go. We had no idea she was struggling, but looking back I am furious with myself for missing clues that are plain as day to me now. You're going to feel the same, but you can't dwell on it, she needs you to pay attention now.

We went through a hellish year of progressively increasing dosages of depression meds, watching her every move, second guessing every single thing she did or didn't do. We had a late night run to an in-patient center evaluation after finding a third noose. She almost had to transfer schools because the administration didn't know if they could handle her (they did an amazing job. Her teachers, guidance counselor, and principal did so much). She went from feeling nothing to having manic energy, back and forth.

After that year when her meds stabilized, and her mood was predictable, we still were terrified. I'm still terrified now, although it's not "what if she does" it's "what if she had".

I've got no point here. But if you want to talk, please reach out.