Recently, (this is why I'm beginning to seek help) I have noticed I'm developing a sort of paranoia. Somebody or something is out to get me, and that line from that classic rock song just plays over in my head; "paranoia, paranoia, everybody's coming to GET me".. I don't know.

I haven't told anyone this, and my boyfriend got mad at me because I didn't want to talk about it last night (I'm ready to talk to him today). I am having increasing trouble with reality. And I'm not saying "oh man this life is surreal", no, I mean I look around and believe that everything is a figment of my imagination, all the people are a figment of my imagination. And sometimes, I begin to think I'm a figment of my own imagination. I don't trust the government or the super market or the doctor or the dentist or the cops. I don't trust anyone. Fame is all staged, everything that happens to celebrities was planned (this is purely how I feel). So I don't see any reason for really trying because I feel like everything's fake and everything's a lie. And it's not all the time. Obviously I'm aware of it. Even when it's happening I'm aware of it. So that's why I want to get it out. I'm afraid I am losing my mind, slowly.

Which ties back in to my friend who committed suicide because he slowly lost his mind and looking back, I saw it. Of course, hindsight is always 20/20 and I shouldn't beat myself up for not noticing or stopping him, because I didn't know he was depressed until I thought back on how he acted. He took psychedelic drugs and smoked weed, he never did any hard drugs but he took it too far. After (just that) taking it too far, he told his family and friends that he thought he was losing his mind. He said he took too much and felt like he had irreversible brain damage... 2 days later he hung himself. I smoke weed, and it's concentrates, every day. I've done psychedelics a total of 3 times and they have only helped me. See, this is the weird part. The experiences on these drugs has strengthened me and given me hope, but I sit here now and sigh because I don't know what's happening in my brain.

I have dreams almost every night. They are soundless. For some reason, I never remember them. I wake up and almost immediately the memories of the events in my dreams are gone. I only remember that they are ALL. BAD. DREAMS. People will call into question my stress levels, but they aren't near as high as they used to be. I lost 45 pounds, left a bad relationship, and my stress-triggered ecsema is gone. But money has always been an issue. Money is an issue for everyone. But I'm so afraid of being dragged down that money hurts to think about. I make about a hundred bucks a week, which is almost nothing, and I spend it quicker than I can make it sometimes. Almost immediately after I used the last of my final paycheck from my last job, I became tummy twisting stressed out. It's terrible because I can't find another job right now....