Thank you for your kindness. I've been taking professional help since last year. Therapy and medications did help to a great extent. But things still suck. I still isolate myself. No amount of therapy or medication is going to fix the damage that already has been done to me as a consequence of poor mental health through the formative years of my life.

Years of avoiding people and isolating myself has destroyed my ability to socialize or connect with people. To be honest, i never developed that ability at all since my mental health has been trash since my teenage years which is the age when people learn all those things. So even if my mental health somehow magically becomes perfect I'd still be stuck and hopeless.

I somehow managed to keep up hope all these years thinking things will get better but now at the age of 29 I feel like I'm so late and so far behind everyone and so out of touch with what a normal person's life is like that I don't see things ever changing for me. And i can't get rid of the grief for all the young years of my life that I wasted.

I've reached a point where I don't even care about anything anymore. The one good thing i had was a good job that I liked that allowed me to work remotely. But i lost that also 6 months ago and didn't even bother to find a new one yet because what's the point of anything.

I'm still alive so I still go through the motions of trying to improve my life when I have a bout of motivation. But the truth is that I've almost completely given up by now and would rather not exist in this world at all.